I hope that I am integrating and not procrastinating. It gives me no small comfort (and fair measure of oh-shit-ness) to read this account of current astrological events (thank you Mel!)
Complicating matters, Cowgirl's school year ended and the Husband went out of town (his turn) so my life appears much like a basket of laundry tossed up in the air and strewn across the floor. I am stepping gingerly over the bits, trying to figure out what needed tidying away, what needs mending, what needs replacing.
Sitting in the spaciousness of you can do anything is fairly nerve-wracking for me. My knee-jerk reaction is to querulously reply: yeah ... why?!
I suppose I can claim I am in an astrological funk ... a post-wonderful rebalancing of life with dream. I am aware I am standing on a threshold of sorts and am not very good at patiently waiting ... I am a needer of signs and I fear the Universe probably believes it is in my best interests to wean me of such external support. Like a toddler loving to cruise, I have to break away from the soft support of the couch and brave the hazards of hard floors, sharp edges and unexpected falls.
Yesterday I set my alarm and staggered downstairs in the dim light of dawn to write. I am familiar with the gaping void of the empty page, but wasn't expecting the painful burn of the white laptop screen. There is challenge and then there is torment. Rising above the din of my despair (How could I ever have believed I could do this?) was the voice of Anne Lamott screaming "Shitty first draft! Shitty first draft!"
My toddler self obliged and while I am fairly confident shit is what I spread across that glaring white page, I know I must expect such shaky beginnings and not dwell upon the vast expanse I want to cover, but rather stay focused upon this step ... and the next ... and the next. For if I want anything to shift in my life, it is my relationship with Time and the present moment.
In these early days of re-calibration, I am already aware of a growing ease with the present moments of my day. Not rushing through things, but allowing myself to linger in the spaces of timelessness with my girl: sunset walks, bedtime stories, morning cuddles, and afternoons at the pool - me with my magazine, her with new friends and the thrill of cool water.
So for all of us rising daily to create our dreams, I offer as support this little bit of support and encouragement:
STAY FIERCE!
FIGHT FOR AND DEFEND YOUR DREAMS!
Oh Lis... this is so beautiful! I know this feeling so well... the redefining, choosing to fully step into your Self... without really being certain what that looks like. It sounds like a lot has happened too... lots to process... to let yourself have time with. You are a beacon of self-compassion... and I see in you the ferocity that will carry you forward when the time comes!
ReplyDeleteXO
Ahhhh this post
ReplyDeletei know this place well
it reminds me of the following passages from Women Who run with the Wolves
Chapter 9 Homing-Returning to OneSelf
Surfacing
"The wonder and pain of returning to the wild home place lies in the fact that we can visit, but we cannot stay. No matter how wonderful it is in the deepest home imaginable, we cannot stay under water forever, but must rise back to the surface. Like Ooruk, who is gently placed back on the shore, we come back to our mundane lives infused with new animation. Even so it is a sad moment to be placed back on shore and on our own once again.....pg 313
This phase of return is called re-entry and it is natal. The feeling of being from an alien world passes after a few hours or a few days. There after, we will spend a good space of time at our mundane life, fueled by the energy we gathered on our journey to home and practicing interim union with soul through the practice of solitude....pg 315
We find ourselves then filled with drum beats, filled with singing, filled with listening and saying our own words; new poems, new ways of seeing, new ways of acting and thinking. Instead of trying to"make the magic last," we just live. Instead of resisting or dreading our chosen work, we move into it fluidly; alive filled with new notions, and curious to see what happens next. After all, the person who has returned to home has survived being carried out to seas by the great seal spirits."pg 316
Lis, embrace the wonder that is to come...you will find your way back to this life fully, only to return again to the sea : )
I will see you there...I will be the one dancing in the kelp : )
love and light
aaahhh, love....
ReplyDeletei so hear you in this...i'm still in a rather wretched state of limbo and feeling a bit like my hands are tied to the tails of two horses facing opposite directions....and all i need to do is tell someone which one to cut loose. which is a bit of a desperate metaphor but there you have it.
my life would be infinitely less complicated if not for that need for the moving statues...;) so i definitely FEEL you on that one. i keep scanning the horizon and undergrowth for some wise creature.....
time, dear heart, time...this is a grand shift and so full-to-bursting with possibility...resist the urge to fill the threshold space with "busy"....which is so hilarious for me to write because filling with "busy" is precisely what i'd do.
i am, however, the mistress of thresholds so i know the treasures that lurk there when i insist upon simply resting there instead of barging through...
and yes, you really do need to come and show me some of your yoga moves...;)
all of my love,
xoxoxo
focusing on each step as we take it, not dwelling on the expanse we want to cover...this is where i am.
ReplyDeletei get all of what you share.
xo