Inspiration comes from the most unlikely of places and unexpected times. Hunkered down with my knitting and some evening entertaining, The Husband puts on his new favorite television show, The Blacklist. It is the first of a two-part episode and the main character, Raymond "Red" Reddington is trapped in a security chamber with an armed assassin outside the protective glass waiting to kill him. Inside with him is a wounded FBI agent who says "We're not going to live through this." Which launches Red, played by James Spader, into a moving monologue. His response is "I think we will." "How?" the agent asks and Red explains "Have you every sail across the ocean ... stood at the helm of your destiny? I want that, one more time." (If you want to watch this clip, the scene occurs around the 30:50 time mark.)
He goes on to list all the joys in his life - a meal in Paris with one more bottle of wine and then another; to sit in the garden and read one more good book; to walk on the wall, ride the river, stare at the frescoes; "to sleep like I slept when I was a boy ... give me that, just one more time ... that's why I won't let that punk out there get the best of me, let alone the last of me."
Which has me thinking ... what keeps me from crumbling, from giving in, giving up? What keeps me rising from a warm bed into the cold morning, stepping into the unknown day after day and opening myself up to Life, to Trust and to Possibilities? What keeps me moving into vulnerability, tempting fate, exposing myself to heartache, loss and uncertainty? What brings color into my day? What would be on my "just one more time" list?
All of this falls upon a ripe and tender heart as today I learned of the unexpected passing of a work colleague due to the complications of cancer. She was only 43. She only recently found out she was ill and now she is gone. Her art is currently hanging in a local exhibition and was due to come down when she passed.
Give me that ... one more time ... Events seem to be reminding me again and again of the the finite nature of life. There would be so much I would want to taste, touch, hear, see and experience one more time, so moments I would want to savor just a little longer if I could.
Where would I even begin? I can start with this past weekend and the pause from madness that a snow day afforded us. Waking without an alarm, blurry eyes registering the change in light around the curtains that happens only when the world is covered in freshly fallen snow.
A day of extremes ... the bitter cold with flashes of brilliant sunlight kissing skin ... the burden of heavy snow gear and the impression of renewal in a world washed white and clean ...
The delight of tracks and signs of all the life that surrounds me and yet remains too often hidden and secreted away in leaves and bushes, dark corners and open sky ...
A day with no agenda, just following our impulses. A day folding in upon itself as we nestle deeper and deeper into the vastness of inner worlds ...
Together in quiet but deep in another kind of conversation ... busy doing and being rather thinking, talking, filling ...
Play happening ... magic manifesting ...
Drawing our dreams, giving voice to our inner worlds, guides and friends ...
I want all that ... all in one day, in our p.j.s ... and then squeezing in the time to run outdoors in the darkening night and catch snowflakes on our tongues as night settles and the cold sinks into toes and fingers but we have the option to linger ...
All that ... and so many days more. I want to receive and celebrate these gifts, just one more time. And then just for fuck's sake, one more lovely time around please. Oh, I'm not asking ... I'm declaring it will be so.
You made me think ...... Thanks.
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