My stars, where did this week go? I confess, I come to this space to touch that part of me that feels enduring, that tastes of my essence, that holds space for my dreams. Sometimes it is easy to share stories from my days; like plucking ripe fruit and savoring. Other times, it is hard to find me.
It has been a challenging week. I could lay blame upon the weather ... the build up by the local news for storm system that threatened - and proved - to be severe.
As much as I hated living in earthquake country, the hype around storms here is akin to blow-by-blow reports of an invading army. It is hard maintaining an even keel when all about you are screaming "The sky is falling! The sky is falling!" The girl and I did what we could do: offer prayers for protection and support from the local fairies, dragons, and spirit protectors. We walked the perimeter of our yard scattering herbal offerings, smudging with sage and chanting. My neighbors are getting used to us and our "usual" ways.
But storms aside, I have to be honest and acknowledge that summer (or summer-like weather) is and always has been my challenging season. When all around me is activity, sunshine, and go-go-go my tendency is to want to seek a quiet spot, preferably in the shade and read a book, sipping iced tea. What trips me up, is questioning myself: what is wrong with me? Why no ambition?
Yet I know this is how I feel every year. My already hot disposition requires cooling off. Less is more is a lesson for me year round, but especially now. I believe I ought to be able to do more, fill the days with activity the school years doesn't allow, yet the truth is, we all need this time to empty out.
What I want to remember for myself, for this time with my girl, is to allow ease into our days. In these bright, sunshiny days there is more to receive: the songs of the birds, the bounty of our garden, the space and time to cut loose, relax and enjoy.
I sat down to write this post with a dark cloud over my head. But sitting here, allowing myself to be with my experience (not pushing it away, not denying, not questioning) something has shifted. Or rather, I just shifted. Releasing this inner battle with my dark dog allowed me the space to look up and see the first butterfly of the season visiting my hanging planter.
Message verified and received.
The days ahead fill up without me having to add any more ... martial arts, pool, our neighborhood garage sale (ah, divine decluttering ... but it has an energetic price!) it's all I can do to fling some tuna salad on a plate, gather the girl and keep going. Honoring my inner rhythms and tides, recognizing this is my outflow time, and lazy is the new self care.
Perhaps not lazy ... but blissfully simple and elemental. Grass (grounding), deep breaths (air), letting go of judgment (grace), and surrendering to play (flow). I swing wide and wild this time of year, so I need to honor the pull towards the extra space to allow myself to be ... to thrash and roll without getting hurt by rigid expectations or limitations.