treasures (and treasuring)

My life these past few weeks consists of making lists, making calls, filling out forms, visiting notaries, packing boxes and packing boxes ... and packing boxes.

There is so much to do, tending to what is the ultimate move of a lifetime. I know the busyness keeps me moving forward and it keeps some of the grief at bay.  There just isn't much time to sit and feel ... 

Sorting through my mother's belongings, I vacillate between feeling I am invading her privacy and paying homage to the relics of her life. One of her close friends offered me great comfort by saying "She would have wanted you to be the one to sort through her things." 

I am deeply engaged with her memories and it is a sacred process sifting through what constitutes a life. While the work keeps my mind busy, there are moments when I am ambushed by grief (a very accurate description by The Man)  and find myself stalled and unable to conceive how I will go on without her?

All I know to do is hold onto my practice ... meditating with my girl and sketching every day in my journal.  Staying in my own rhythms -  engaged with my own life - while honoring hers by celebrating the details.

In the process of wrapping up my mother's life, I am discovering that the process of letting her go is balanced by this coming to know her in a whole, new way.  I am finally seeing her not just as my mother, but as a complete and separate person ... a child with dreams ...

a wife, a friend, a mother, a woman on a singular and unique journey.  And by taking in the fullness of her life, I am discovering pieces of my own ...

 

... clues peppered throughout her life, pointing towards me and the person that I am and the person I am becoming. 

I haven't lost my mother ... I'm just seeing our story in a whole, new way.  I don't have to go on without her because she is always a part of who I am ...  just as I am a part of who she was.