More accurately, slow the fuck down.
The girl has been away all week at camp. This was her first year and more importantly, it is my first week without her in the care of myself or a family member. The rational, wise part of my brain knows this is all good and right but let's be honest, the mother bear part of my brain has been all shades of bear-shit crazy.
Which has turned out to be a good thing. Well, an it's alright thing. Having time on my hands (all the time it feels like) has taught me that more time is not what I've needed in my life (yet how long have I obsessively believed this? If I just had more time ... ) but what I've needed is to slow the fuck down and oh-my-god! do less.
I've come to this conclusion on my own, however I was grateful to hear it repeated in a delightful talk by writer Anne Lamott. ("... the more you make yourself get less done every day, the more glorious and sweet and expansive your life is going to be ...") It's not about getting things done, filling up the resumé, checking off all the boxes, but about being present and fully inhabiting what is right here before me.
I have had this recurring dream that has frustrated and confused me for some time now. In this dream, I find we (the Husband, Girl and myself) have moved into a new house and yet I don't understand why we had to leave our old house. Usually the "new" house is a downgrade or in a different town and I am frustrated and angry that the move happened. "I don't want to move!" is usually what I scream in the dream. But last night I heard myself saying "Why did we move? Our house is perfectly fine and I am happy here."
I woke up with this sentence hanging in the air around me.
My life is perfectly fine and I am happy here. Game changing words when the game I've been playing is I've got to figure out who I am suppose to be and what I am meant to be doing with my life.
This week I've been writing letters every day, mostly to my girl at camp but also to friends with whom I crave and enjoy deeper connection. (you know who you are!) I've been reading a fat, heavy novel (Donna Tartt's The Goldfinch) and living off of the roasted veggies from Sunday's farmer's market. The highlight of my week was 5 1/2 sweaty hours at the stables mucking out stalls and moving horses. The 80% humidity meant I was drenched within an hour. We had one rider coming and the horse we needed to ready was covered in dry mud. Rather than brushing him off, he received a shower. When he still wasn't dry after a half hour, we moved him in front of the industrial fan and I stood there with him drying off in the cooling breeze. Happiness is laying my face against the cool back of a beautiful horse, closing my eyes and knowing in my soul that everything is perfectly fine. I am - as is Star, the horse - happy in this delicious moment.
I have a whole other ramble about the therapeutic benefit of physical labor (truly, I think I may have some sort of solution for the world's woes) and how exhaustion can be a road into contentment. But that is more doing and I am done for this day.
I'm excited to be supporting a slowing down movement and am part of this free offering by Jessica Amos of Stay With Yourself. Each day there will be inspiration and/or practices for staying present, staying in the moment. I have a video offering sharing my practice which may just be the secret to all things. Okay, maybe not ... but it is my very doable/enjoyable/grounding practice that helps me stay connected and present.
|for full details and to sign up click HERE|