Tummy Troubles = Insight

It is said the World is our teacher, so I guess illness - or in my case, a tweaky tummy - is like a private tutor. For the past week or so both Cowgirl and I have had mildly annoying discomforts in the belly region and while there are lots of "bugs" going around, I have to suspect in my case there is something more afoot. Certainly anxiety and stress at work is not helping me but for goodness sakes, I'm a yoga teacher! So I ought to know how to let it all wash over me, right?

This morning while walking the dog I had time to ponder my situation as my empty tummy was reminding me to pay attention. The sensation was of my innards like a fist tightly gripping onto something. I was reminded of the sensation when I first lie down in savasana or relaxation pose; I have to conscious tell my body to relax, let go, and surrender. Surrender what? Besides the usual baggage of feelings, wounds, worries and doubts there is also this sense of me holding tightly onto this concept of, well, Me. All the stuff that constitutes who I believe myself to be in this moment - my history, my successes, my failures, my wounds and my beliefs and attitudes - all this ME MINE MY that is pastiched together into a kind of Surrealist collage entitled "I." I realized, as my stomach gave me another loving squeeze, that as I move through my life with this tightly held concept of myself, this clinging to Me-ness is preventing me from opening to something new, something fresh, something more genuine and true.

Okay, okay, I am getting lofty here but let me give you more concrete details. I've been feeling a bit bogged down emotionally and realized I need to work on my perspective a bit. As crazy as this sounds, with my life filling up with activities, new projects and classes, I decided I needed to sign up for another ecourse. I had been contemplating the Creative Goddess Course even though the cynical, East Coaster in me was rolling my eyes and snapping my gum over all the gushing cheerfulness oozing from every image, word, and video posting on the site. It just seemed a tad too happy for me. And when I caught myself thinking that way, I realized that is exactly what I need right now: a happy, cheerful, positive, cup-not-half-but-completely-full attitude and I had better get my butt into that course pronto!

So the course started this week and I am loving every moment of it. One component of the course is a weekly meditation/guided relaxation. I did the first one yesterday and I don't want to give anything away, but during the practice I had this beautifully liberating experience of my heart filling up with joy and just blasting away all the petty thoughts and doubts that have been roosting in my head. The gripping sensation was gone and I was flooded with this energy from the outside in.

Spiraling back to my morning walk, as I thought about my holding myself so tightly and then that sensation of being open and receptive, I was reminded of an image used by one of my favorite spiritual teachers, Eknath Easwaran. He writes about how monkeys were caught in his native India by using a jar with a piece of fruit inside. The monkey would reach inside and grab the fruit but then grasping the fruit, he would be unable to remove his hand, and so he would sit there, stuck. In a very visceral way, I experienced my stuckedness in terms of my ego or self clinging to this static notion of who I am and what I am capable of doing. The experience of joy flooding in reminded me there is another way to be and clinging, grabbing, seeking so damned hard, is not it.

And as things always go in these kinds of matters, I was heading off to bed and realizing I finished my book last night, I grabbed another book that has been lying around. You know the book: the one you bought years ago because it promised to be exactly what you need to know at that time; but then you start it, and it is good, but the words just don't connect with your understanding and so it sits unfinished. Until that day you absentmindedly grab it and this time marvel "how could I not have read this before?!"

So I open up my book on the Yoga Sutras and am only at the third sutra in the first book. This is the sutra after the one that provides the definition of Yoga. Traditionally the third sutra reads: Then the seer abides in his own nature." Once you are in yoga, then you experience your true self, which no one really describes; it is up to us to experience that state. So imagine the thrill of reading "United in the heart, consciousness is steadied, then we abide in our true nature - joy."

Back to joy. And go figure I have bought as gifts 2 necklaces stamped with the word joy. So the mission that I am accepting is to let go of trying so hard to be, find,grab onto or create anything and instead open myself to what is swirling all around me and is indeed my spiritual birthright: joy. I don't have to do anything, because it is already and always has been there. But I do need to open myself up and live in this truth. Because I truly do believe we are divine beings having a human existence and this ride is a gift to savor, not simple move through. But that's another topic.

Now I am off to play in some art. To let art arise rather than making something. Like Michelangelo, I want the process to be about freeing the image from the materials. Not that I am comparing myself to Michelangelo, but I am returning to that model of the artist as divinely inspired and not a tortured soul. I'm saying, the torture is optional. I'm choosing Joy.

Despite my grumblings, i have to admit, my cup is pretty full ...

This was in my email inbox on Cowgirl's birthday:

I can assure you, Lisa, that the time will come when you, too, will ask, "In what fields did I sow seeds to deserve so very, very much?" Then I'll remind you that the whole sowing-seeds-cause-and-effect concept was just a myth, because you were born deserving. Hosanna in the Highest, The Universe

When I take time to slow down, breath, and look around I have admit, life is pretty good in my little world. Off to celebrate Autumn days with hot cocoa and a rousing game of chutes and ladders. How do you celebrate the blessings?

Happy Birthday Cowgirl!

Holy Moly! Today Cowgirl is 5 years old ... when did this happen? When did she grow so much? And what in the world is going on with all these sightings of fairies, angels and praying mantises? So the next few days will be madness as the official birthday party at the pumpkin patch is tomorrow (looks like the weather will be nice - hallelujah!) and lots to do today. So here is the pictorial recap so far (it's not even 10 am yet) ...

First off ... a lot happening in the growing up department. Two mornings ago I was making breakfast when I hear this noise ... a whistle. As Cowgirl was the only one in the room, except for Moose who has furry lips, no whistle from him, I looked at her and she looked shocked. "Did you whistle?" I asked her. "I think so!" And then she puckered up and blew and blew and then ... a whistle!




Now, you need a little background here to put this event into context. Awhile ago I told Cowgirl to stop growing! And she replied "I have to keep growing; I have to learn to whistle." So when she was whistling 2 days before turning 5, I immediately informed her "now you can stop growing!" She sighed and sadly informed me "Mommy, I can't stop growing."

This morning Cowgirl came downstairs and discovered the fairies had decorated the table with flowers (this was her request - flowers!) and paper cranes and a new origami swan (yeah, I was online at 10:30 trying my hand at various origami creations and settled for a bird) and a card in her mailbox and a special present.

A fairy house!




A fairy horse!


The rest of the morning was a blur and mommy realizes she needs that lovely $400 lens that would allow indoor pictures with less blur. Hear that fairies?!

And look what I discovered waiting for us on the back door?


Another praying mantis. I went back to take his picture and discovered this ...




Another even bigger one! That makes 3 in one month. So I had to look the totem up online. They are associated with energy flow or chi and the notion of moving according to our instincts and personal bio rhythm. Hmmm... and then there was this:

"Patient, perceptive and focused this little totem holds a powerful message. When it appears in your life it is asking you to direct your energy, your thoughts or your actions in a different way. Asking the following questions can give you the insight necessary to motivate appropriate changes. Have I lost patience with a particular situation? Have I been too patient, and if so, has this had a detrimental affect on me? Is my perception correct regarding a situation? Have I become narrow minded? Am I focused on my objective?"

Too much for me to digest right now. Right now the mini car track is being set up, scones are in the oven and I have a party to get ready for. Suffice to say, I am grateful for this all; I am inspired by angels and fairies as magic is all around us right now; and I am trusting the weather gods will not rain on our pumpkin parade. Everything else is going to be a blur of action and craziness.

Happy Birthday my sweet girl. I love you to the Milky Way and back again.

Antidote to a hard day

Get outside ... look around ... notice the changes ...






Look up and allow spaciousness to fill you ...





Make art ... better yet, make angels ...



(Thank you Goddess Leonie for this great idea!)


Be a little wild ... wear mismatched socks ...





Failing all else, try a change of perspective.




And always open for more suggestions ...

Excuse me while i whine a bit

Last night while I was making dinner, I could hear a child crying in the distance and while it sounded like Cowgirl, it didn't seem right. I wandered away from the stove to find her and her Pa Pa as she calls him, sitting in front of the computer watching old video footage from our first months home when she was just two years old. These are movies I haven't seen since they were shot because, well, while my husband does teach film making, that skill extends to his students and not the mounds of data sitting inside the magic box that is the computer. But that's another story ...

So I walk in to find the two of them engrossed in these home movies. One was Cowgirl playing with stacking cups while we were still in China; another was her doing an impromptu impression of Cookie Monster long before she every spoke a coherent word to us; another one was her signing for more food and cackling like a deranged tyrant, gloating over her power to control us, her willing pineapple providers.

Then there was one where she was obviously babbling a tirade at us, slapping her cheeks, sighing deeply, rolling her eyes, hands and arms flapping away. I watched myself in the movie walk up to her and said "Wo ai ni" which is mandarin for "I love you." She immediately softened, got this gooey look upon her face and sweetly replied "hao" which means good. I had forgotten she used to do that. And in watching all these moments of my baby being a baby I was hit by the sucker punch that every parent must experience when they tangibly know their child is growing up.

I mean, I had forgotten so much of this stuff which I swore I could never forget. And to see her chubby little cheeks, her toddling around like a umpa lumpa, I was almost paralyzed by the sense that all of this is slipping through my fingers. A dear friend and mama mentor reminds me frequently that there are no do-overs and to enjoy every bit of this gig called motherhood. So here comes my whine ... I am desperate that this is our last year before she enters kindergarten and school full time. I know for many families, there is no choice; both parents must work. And I am very fortunate to have a part time job with flexibility and to work a 4 day schedule. But I am greedy: I am still not satisfied. I want more. I want more open time that isn't crammed between nap and dinner time; I want to feel free to act spontaneously, deciding what we will do based upon our moods, whims, and the weather; I want to have more energy and emotional space available for my child and our time together and that has been hard with my current life.

I know something will have to change and it will probably have to be my attitude. The concept in Yoga is called Pratipaksha Bhavana and it means when we are troubled by disturbing or disquieting thoughts or feelings, we are to cultivate the opposite attitude. So if someone is annoying me, I am to think about the sweet face of my child to soften my heart and direct my energy in a positive way. My problem is, my monkey mind will lead me back to the fact that I am missing my child and that I am stuck at my desk while she is busying growing up without me there to witness it.

Can you tell I'm really wallowing in it? How do other mothers handle these feelings? How do you find peace in your situation? What is a healthy balance?

Oh, and the theme for Best Shot Monday is play. The little guy up front here I bought in China way before Cowgirl was old enough to play with him. She loves him now. He blinks and winks and chirps "Hiccup hiccup I yie yie." He reminds me of how little I knew about children back at the beginning of this wonderful adventure. I know a bit more and am better at improvising the rest.

Open for a Miracle

A miracle: when the impossible becomes possible; receiving my heart's desire when I'm not even sure what that would be.

Today I am trusting: that miracles are more ordinary than we are lead to believe.
Today I am grateful for: hugs. When things seem tough, I try to remember to ask for a hug. It is a miracle with arms and a sweet smell.


Today I am inspired by: my practice. I have to do my part. As zen teacher Suzuki Roshi so beautifully put it: “Gaining enlightenment is an accident. Spiritual practice simply makes us accident-prone.”


And if all else fails, then a rice crispie treat will do in a pinch.

Parenting as Final Exam

I will preface this by stating what may be obvious: I am a bit of a nerd. But one thing I loved about college courses was the final exam. Okay, maybe love is a little strong of a sentiment, and I should qualify further by stating I enjoyed a well conceived final exam in a subject that excited me. Preparing for the final was a time to review all the material, taking hold of the various tools I had been given, and making it my own. It was a bringing together of everything I had learned and then seeing how well I could apply that knowledge. Light bulbs often would go off as my comprehension of things clicked into place.

I have found parenting is very much like taking an exam, only this one is in Life. So the stakes are higher. At a basic level, my child is always challenging my understanding of things, asking what words such as Consequence, Appreciation, or Expression (as in, that's just an expression of speak) mean. There is the usual follow-up to any explanation (what makes rain ?) with But why? I am constantly fine tuning explanations, delving deeper and deeper in topics hither-to considered.

Some questions and situations require a bit more soul-searching, and require me to take a position on a difficult topic. Are there bad people? is one recent example. As a parent, the reality of evil things in the world that threaten my child is very tangible, but do I ultimately believe someone is irredeemably bad? I explained to Cowgirl that there are people who have forgotten their goodness, and by believing themselves to be bad and they act in bad ways. And I do believe this; it helps to believe in karma and reincarnation as some acts are so heinous only a string of future lifetimes seems possible for redemption. But I felt that thought a little much for a four year old mind to take on.

In her three years with us, Cowgirl has seen her share of deaths. She was too young to grasp my father's passing when she had just turned two, but she knows Grandpa Art is died. She was very aware when we had to put to sleep the cat, and then 3 months later, the dog. In both cases I had her say goodbye and offer her love to both animals. It was an incredibly hard time, but more for me than her. I had to come to terms with what I truly believed about death as I wanted to share my beliefs with Cowgirl. As a parent, I feel it is my responsibility to model Truthfulness for my child. In Yoga this is the second of the Yamas (reflections of our true nature) and is called Satya or truthfulness & integrity in thought, word and deed.

This has always been a powerful practice for me as I tended to have a problem with the little lies. Like when someone would ask me to do something I didn't want to do, instead of saying so, I would make an excuse up. I came to understand that a compulsion to fib was masking a belief that my feelings or opinions or needs were not as valid as another person's. I did not feel I had the power or the right to say No which might entail putting myself first.

I also recognized the damage done to my self esteem by living in lies. Nischala Joy Devi writes: "The heart rests when it is in Satya." And I know my heart and spirit were not restful when I believed I could not express my truth and The Truth as I understood it.

It was a deeply healing experience to share the truth, as I understand it, about our animals passing with Cowgirl. I did not want to tell her they were going to a farm or a special park. We talked about the our bodies wearing out, and our souls out growing us and needing new forms to take on, much like we get new clothes when the old ones are worn or don't fit. And we talked about how when we love someone, they are never lost to us; we always know where they are because they are forever in our hearts. These ideas sit well in my soul; they feel right to me and I feel I am being truthful with my child.

So putting my practice, the lessons of my life, and the truths experienced in my heart all together as I teach and share with Cowgirl is like gathering all the concepts from a class and using them for the first time in the world outside the classroom. I stumble along at first, am a bit awkward, but then things fall into place and the power of living and parenting in Truth is exhilarating for all. I will never forget the moment I said I was missing our dog and Cowgirl sweetly explained "But mommy, Bandit is in our hearts ... he's not missing!"

Okay, so this is the parenting exam I aced. Don't worry, I have plenty of stories about the ones I've flunked. Not sure why this all came up today, but I wanted to share. And I couldn't resist starting with a sunflower. They are everywhere right now.

I would love to hear your stories.