I can't quite explain it ... the day trickles by, but the weeks are rolling past at a furious clip. How it is mid October already?
I am trying to find my balance but the more I seek solid ground, the murkier things seem to be.
So I stumble through my days. Admittedly, preparation for my venture in leading an ecourse is keeping me busy, much as prep for final exams (the name dead week must refer to the absence of any pulse in one's extracurricular activities) had my eyes and attention focused upon my books. Don't get me wrong - I loved the intensity of studying for end of term exams and the process of pulling together all of the material, feeling the connections clicking in the old gray matter. It is exhilarating and exhausting. A kind of intellectual purge after the rigors of the semester.
But I am feeling the dryness settling into other areas of my life. I pick up my paint brush and my hand hovers over the page until I put it down. I have nothing to feed that muse and I know it is best that I rest. The time will come for paints and words and colors. But first this phase of leaf dropping, shedding, emptying before I can fill again.
So I hold onto the pieces of my day that matter. The sliver of moon and sprinkling of stars in the dark morning sky as I walk the dog. The smell of coffee waking me up. The colors of Autumn after a dry, bleached out summer.
Cuddling with my girl (honestly, no one told me how deliciously radiant and cozy a child's body snuggled against yours can be!) and having her ask "Am I warm and toasty?"
Sharing bad jokes.
"Why did the chicken cross the road, roll in the dirt, then cross the
road again? Because he was a dirty daredevil!"
"Why did the cow cross the road? She wanted to go to the moooo-vies!"
"Ah, don't cry Cinder-ellie!" (this one makes Cowgirl really cackle.)
She woke me at 3 AM this morning with "Mom! Mom! My tooth fell out!"
Did I neglect to tell the story about Cowgirl giving herself bangs 4 days before school pictures? (Apparently if you trip and fall while holding scissors, you end up with bangs.) Sigh. See ... so much is happening ...
I am putting into practice the pieces of self care I will be sharing in a few weeks. Slowing down. Paying attention. Being present as best I can. Finding and honoring my natural rhythms and understanding how the cycles of nature move through me. I am - we are - human animals after all. We just forget or deny that truth. But it is best to go with the flow even if that flow is a slow, thin, rivulet. It is still flow, it is still life. I am following my energy and right now that feels like drifting fog.
Meanwhile, I wait on the edge of the next adventure. Thanks for leaving me the snacks by the side of the trail. I'm making my way ...
(much gratitude to all who are supporting me on my ecourse adventure. While I love the gathering of goodies to share, I am uncomfortable with the self promotion. I know what I have to offer is rich, important, and so needed in our world. And perhaps banging my drum is what has left me so weary ... so thank you all who have banged it for me and who will be joining me in two weeks for a month - heavens yes! - of self care. I promise I won't let you down! And yes, there is still time to sign up. All the info is here.)