Wow, the holidays apparently swallowed me whole and I admit, I rather liked the cozy feeling of snuggling up in the belly of that whale.
The entire family was home and I loved the rhythm of mornings together, lingering over coffee, then migrating from the kitchen to the living room to sit before the fire, pull out books and sip the final, lurk warm dregs of now-an-hour old brew.
Much fun was had ... in the kitchen ...
and in the snow ...
Many good books were received this holiday season. I've long held a small, but bright desire to write my book but in the face of so many good books piled up to be read, I admit sometimes I wonder Why? Why take time away from such rich and well-made pleasures for what will be homespun and possibly/probably amateurish at worst and awkward at best? (I write this not to be degrading to my own ambitions, but in all seriousness there are folk out there who have devoted their entire lives to the craft of writing and I bow down in acknowledgement to such dedication to developing and honing of their art. Writing in this little blog knackers me, so I am realistic about my level of fitness for such pursuits!)
Oh, I'm not tossing in the towel ... just in this period of my life I'm not sure what exactly is calling to be birthed: writing? painting? an offering for my community? For me, a constant tension exists between private/public. A very strong part of me has little interest in creating for an outside world, and prefers to putter away in my secret creative lair. But then there is another voice - smaller, but a rather bossy gal - who does prod me to engage and share and teach. Sigh. I feel a bit like Alice in my own Wonderland.
I even printed out the ever-popular year ahead/year behind workbook which patiently awaits my attention. I've done it in the past and it is a wonderful process but ... but ... but ...
Yeah. I cannot put my finger on it, but the space I am currently inhabiting takes up so much of my energy, there is little time or desire to think beyond This Day. This, for me, is a very interesting balancing act: resting squarely in The Now and not leaning forward into future What if's. Or future worries, anxieties, fears or phobias. Being at ease with what is and welcoming what is unfolding, that is all unfamiliar territory for me. A favorite metaphor which I invoke frequently, is the sensation of riding a bike with no hands on the handle bars. There is the slow, steady easing upright and the relaxing of the fingers from the handlebars ... then my hands float just an inch above as I shut off the internal chatter (what the fuck are you doing? chatter) and simply ride.
So while I totally embrace planning is priceless, plans are useless I am not feeling the pull to pen any plans, dreams, projects or Big Ideas. Not yet anyway. Perhaps this is truly a time for being a seed in the soil, resting and gathering energy in Winter's dark days and await (trust in) the energy/inspiration/spark of warmth that surely will come ... when I am ready.
Oh but I have a word (or two) inspiring me for this period (and perhaps the year ahead) and it is Embrace. I will add to it a thank you ... for everything comes in to assist me in strengthening, growing, expanding, shedding and learning.
Making me immensely happy and content in each day ...
And maybe, like this little fellow who I watched one day sitting so still and calm in his tree, I will feel the pull to scampering away from my nest and head out on a new adventure ...
Until then, I have been fattening myself up with the words and worlds of others.
Favorite books du jour:
Corrag by Susan Fletcher (depending upon where you look, this book has several titles: Witch Light or The Highland Witch)
Secrets of the Sea House by Elizabeth Gifford (again, also published under the title The Sea House)
Both Cowgirl and myself are wildly in love with the Tiffany Aching series of books by Terry Pratchett: The Wee Free Men, A Hat Full of Sky and The Wintersmith. There are two more books in the series (I believe) and so I will have to space them out to make the pleasure last (although reading them out loud could be a lovely way to spend future nights before the fire.)
Oh yes, I have to add my vote for Elizabeth Gilbert's Big Magic which I just started last night but already am feeling the bubbly effects of her enthusiasm upon my hard seed shell self.
While I linger in this space of rest and receiving, invitations to bring in light and energy land in my mailbox. I may not pen yearly intentions but am seeking to understand and move with my own natural rhythms and cycles ... so the gift of The Moon is My Calendar from a moon sister is an exciting prospect!
New Moon Calendar from april mcmurtry on Vimeo.
So just today ... that is my mantra. This day what does my Best Self ask for? Just for today, what would nourish me? What would ground and support me in embracing my life, my self?
Okay, so maybe I will scribble a bit in a notebook ...
One of the things that has me scribbling - for myself - is this lovely and rich self paced offering on developing a personal relationship with the Tarot - The Alternative Tarot Course. So much has been unlocked for me in just a few journaling sessions, I highly recommend it.