grounding (spring fever & link love)

It's like a switch was flipped and suddenly, it feels like Spring is goosing Winter to get out of the way. Temperatures shifted from single digits to mid-sixties in days and right now strong winds put me in mind of Van Gogh's mistral or "the devil" as he referred to it and its challenges to his working outside. (He resorted to  lashing his easel down: "My easel was fixed in the ground with iron pegs, a method that I recommend to you. You shove the feet of the easel in and then you push a 50-centimeter-long iron peg in beside them. You tie everything together with ropes; that way you can work in the wind.")

In addition to the winds disrupting everything and everyone (I was awoken in the middle of the night by the rattling and blowing) there is the matter of mud. Everywhere.

So besides finding it difficult to think or focus  it is also impossible to move!  

This is the time of year (any period of transition is tricky) when I lean into practice to help carry me forward. I've been neglecting this space because I am consumed by another. Year after year I seem to forget that running an online offering is hard work. I have to show up daily, pay attention to what is happening, think and write. But it is the very best way for me to get unstuck. 

Taking action, applying effort and exercising discipline ... it is what the Yogis call Tapas which translates as"heat" or "fiery disciplines that burn away impurities."  Tapas is balanced by introspection and surrender ... applying that discipline towards self understanding, development and growth.

My discipline these days centers upon study. Or rather, curiosity. (If you haven't watch it yet, this talk by Elizabeth Gilbert on living a life driven by curiosity speaks to the multi-passionate soul.)  My focus this year is upon learning new techniques and  ways of working with favorite mediums (watercolors, drawing, pen and ink, mixed media) which afford me a broader creative vocabulary. I am loving these online courses:

 Scribble Art which is way harder than it sounds! I have a long way to go in terms of really working with shading and creating a wider range of values using the scribble to express volume and the sense of an object in space. Being loose and making meaningful marks takes loads of practice.

Then there is this course on watercolor and mixed media called Creative Girl: Land of Light and Shadows.  

I am eyeballing a few more (but not until I finish what I have started!) including Reflections: An Art Journaling Workshop  (this bit caught my eye:
"unraveling your own story and creating authentic art that only you can tell") and All Creatures Small and Lovely (hello? Watercolor AND animals?!)

Not that I am lacking in things to keep my head and heart busy. There is a pile of books by my bedside. Currently immersed in Dreaming the Eagle by Manda Scott, the first book in her trilogy on the Celtic Warrior Queen Boudica.  The Tao of Equus: A Woman's Journey of Healing and Transformation through the Way of the Horse was recommended to me by several wise friends. And then I won this new title The Other Side of the River by Eila Carrico which I've started and realize is a book to be slowly savored and enjoyed. 

Oh, and then there is this fun and insightful course on developing a personal approach towards working with and interpreting the Tarot ... which had me adding to my Tarot collection with these lovely cards (The Anna K Tarot)

It seems staying stuck may not be in the cards for me ... as long as I find my footing with all this creative study and keep moving forward in practice. Action grounded by consistency and regularity is what supports and anchors me when both the winds and the mud threaten to upend me.

  
Meanwhile, fundraising for the therapy horses of Hetra.org continues. To date, my creative communities both online and at home have rallied in support and close to $800 has been raised for Team Star.  It is pimping I do willingly as the horses deserve every dollar, every oat for the incredible work they do week in and week out.

 

daily devotional

Ah, it's ten a.m. on a frigid Friday morning, but I am happily tucking into my second breakfast of the day. (Which makes me sound rather like a Hobbit ... but my seconds is a raisin muffin with blueberry/honey jam & a fresh cup of spiced chai; first breakfast was the leftovers of Cowgirl's oatmeal fortified with bits of apple that didn't fit into her lunch box and some yogurt, consumed hours ago) I have no agenda for this day; instead there are many activities that fall under the happy category Things I Want to Do. 

This is how Winter is for me: slowly exercising my creative muscles (a little writing, a little knitting, a schmidge of sewing, and a splurge of drawing), feeding my spiritual practice while keeping curiosity alive and growing through new pursuits. Ever the apprentice, I am slowly understanding how this is my way ... step, step, stop, spiral down and in, spiral up and out, stop, step, step ...

A long time ago I had a flash of understanding that rather than coercing my creativity into supporting me, I was to meant to support it. So reading Elizabeth Gilbert's Big Magic ("a good bathroom book" one friend called it; yes, well some of my happiest moments happen in that solitary space of the home communal) I was pumping my fist in the air when I read the following: 

I never wanted to burden my writing with the responsibility of paying for my life ... I've seen artists drive themselves broke and crazy because of this instance that they are not legitimate creators unless they can exclusively live off their creativity. And when their creativity fails them (meaning: it doesn't pay the rent), they descend into resentment, anxiety, or even bankruptcy. Worst of all, they often quit creating at all.

 (Elizabeth Gilbert, Big Magic: Creative Living Beyond Fear )

To this I would add: not asking my creativity to support me doesn't mean I am choosing the path of meekness; that I am giving up on my dreams or failing to live life fearlessly. There is this notion, pervasive as the smog haze of Los Angeles, that Bigness - or fully exploring and embracing one's potential = career. I believe everything I do I can infuse with Love but I don't have to necessarily love -wildly, passionately, open and intimately - all that I do. 

Or more precisely ... if I am not fully in love with my work, that doesn't mean I failed - myself, my potential, my Bigness -  or that I've given up on living a life infused by passion. I call bullshit on all of that. My life - and by extension, my value -  is not defined solely by what I am paid. It just means I've prioritized things according to what matters to me. 

I value curiosity, I value play, I value ... devotion. All of which I know, for me, cannot be associated with a paycheck. Now, some will argue that I am cutting myself off here, that I am placing energetic roadblocks in the way of making money off of my art. Perhaps. But I know myself, I know I have sticky places with money that maybe I will fully resolve one day but for now, well, this girl just wants to have fun. And fun (and play and devotion) take me into a place of deep engagement that is soul-nourishing for me in ways that a bundle of money cannot come close to equaling. For me, my creative freedom does not have a price tag.

Each day what I seek is to live my life from a place of devotion. How can I show my devotion, my affection for creative play? My actions are the prayers that open up a channel of communication with That-Something-Or-Someone-Greater. There is where I taste, touch, and know my Bigness. Which isn't really mine as much as I am a part of It. 

You might spend your whole life following your curiosity and have absolutely nothing to show for it at the end - except one thing. You will have the satisfaction of knowing that you passed your entire existence in devotion to the noble human virtue of inquisitiveness. And that should be more than enough for anyone to say that they lived a rich and splendid life.

(from Big Magic)

My tea is cold ... my day spreads out before me ... time for some devotional play. 

my first two cards in my Air Alchemy deck; my third deck created through Mindy Tsonas's offering Inner Alchemy Cards

Splendid, indeed!

This week marks the beginning of a blog-hop through the teachers of 2016 Spectrum: Holistic Creativity Workshops. Each day there will be two blogs offering a seat for the new Spectrum offering - that's 30 chances to win! Visit here for the all the details and links. I will be sharing more in a week's time.  

Just today

Wow, the holidays apparently swallowed me whole and I admit, I rather liked the cozy feeling of snuggling up in the belly of that whale.

The entire family was home and I loved the rhythm of mornings together, lingering over coffee, then migrating from the kitchen to the living room to sit before the fire, pull out books and sip the final, lurk warm dregs of now-an-hour old brew. 

Much fun was had ... in the kitchen ... 

and in the snow ...

 Many good books were received this holiday season. I've long held a small, but bright desire to write my book but in the face of so many good books piled up to be read, I admit sometimes I wonder Why? Why take time away from such rich and well-made pleasures for what will be homespun and possibly/probably amateurish at worst and awkward at best? (I write this not to be degrading to my own ambitions, but in all seriousness there are folk out there who have devoted their entire lives to the craft of writing and I bow down in acknowledgement to such dedication to developing and honing of their art. Writing in this little blog knackers me, so I am realistic about my level of fitness for such pursuits!)

Oh, I'm not tossing in the towel ... just in this period of my life I'm not sure what exactly is calling to be birthed: writing? painting? an offering for my community? For me, a constant tension exists between private/public. A very strong part of me has little interest in creating for an outside world, and prefers to putter away in my secret creative lair. But then there is another voice - smaller, but a rather bossy gal - who does prod me to engage and share and teach. Sigh. I feel a bit like Alice in my own Wonderland.

I even printed out the ever-popular year ahead/year behind workbook which patiently awaits my attention. I've done it in the past and it is a wonderful process but ... but ... but ...

Yeah.  I cannot put my finger on it, but the space I am currently inhabiting takes up so much of my energy, there is little time or desire to think beyond This Day. This, for me, is a very interesting balancing act: resting squarely in The Now and not leaning forward into future What if's. Or future worries, anxieties, fears or phobias. Being at ease with what is and welcoming what is unfolding, that is all unfamiliar territory for me. A favorite metaphor which I invoke frequently, is the sensation of riding a bike with no hands on the handle bars. There is the slow, steady easing upright and the relaxing of the fingers from the handlebars ... then my hands float just an inch above as I shut off the internal chatter (what the fuck are you doing? chatter) and simply ride.

So while I totally embrace planning is priceless, plans are useless I am not feeling the pull to pen any plans, dreams, projects or Big Ideas. Not yet anyway. Perhaps this is truly a time for being a seed in the soil, resting and gathering energy in Winter's dark days and await (trust in) the energy/inspiration/spark of warmth that surely will come ... when I am ready.

Oh but I have a word (or two) inspiring me for this period (and perhaps the year ahead) and it is Embrace. I will add to it a thank you ... for everything comes in to assist me in strengthening, growing, expanding, shedding and learning. 

Making me immensely happy and content in each day ... 

And maybe, like this little fellow who I watched one day sitting so still and calm in his tree, I will feel the pull to scampering away from my nest and head out on a new adventure ...

Until then, I have been fattening myself up with the words and worlds of others. Favorite books du jour:  

Corrag by Susan Fletcher (depending upon where you look, this book has several titles: Witch Light or The Highland Witch) 
Secrets of the Sea House by Elizabeth Gifford (again, also published under the title The Sea House)

Both Cowgirl and myself are wildly in love with the Tiffany Aching series of books by Terry Pratchett: The Wee Free Men, A Hat Full of Sky and The Wintersmith. There are two more books in the series (I believe) and so I will have to space them out to make the pleasure last (although reading them out loud could be a lovely way to spend future nights before the fire.)

Oh yes, I have to add my vote for Elizabeth Gilbert's Big Magic which I just started last night but already am feeling the bubbly effects of her enthusiasm upon my hard seed shell self.

While I linger in this space of rest and receiving, invitations to bring in light and energy land in my mailbox. I may not pen yearly intentions but am seeking to understand and move with my own natural rhythms and cycles ... so the gift of The Moon is My Calendar from a moon sister is an exciting prospect!


New Moon Calendar from april mcmurtry on Vimeo.


So just today ... that is my mantra. This day what does my Best Self ask for? Just for today, what would nourish me? What would ground and support me in embracing my life, my self?

Okay, so maybe I will scribble a bit in a notebook ...

xo 

 

One of the things that has me scribbling - for myself - is this lovely and rich self paced offering on developing a personal relationship with the Tarot - The Alternative Tarot Course.  So much has been unlocked for me in just a few journaling sessions, I highly recommend it.

wrestling ... with myself?

I've been building upon the theme thriving in the holiday season with daily reflections posted in Facebook and Instagram. It was a wild hair of an idea uttered out loud to a friend right before the Thanksgiving Holiday. "I'll start it on Black Friday!" I declared and having settled that, went on with my regular meandering/wandering/navel lint-picking ways.

Then Black Friday arrived. We had had freezing rain the night before and I was stuck at home. I couldn't even walk Moose, the sidewalks were that treacherous. Okay, maybe I exaggerate a smidgen but it was also cold and windy and I was not venturing forth.  I sat huddled before the fireplace, reading my really good book (Corrag by Susan Fletcher; part of the reading list for Reclaiming the Wise Woman) which had me far away from my present reality. I got up to get some tea when I remembered my intended practive-cum-project.

 Fuck it. That was my immediate reaction. I was right on the edge of releasing it when I realized a committed daily practice was exactly what I needed lest I slip into a mighty crevasse of seasonal ennui, fatigue, and/or overwhelm.  So I began that day at the end of the day, but I began none-the-less. (To see these posts, you can visit my InnerGlow page HERE and scroll backwards to view previous posts.)

I know I shouldn't be surprised, but I always am ... it is not so much the what of practice but the commitment to show up and participate at some level with the practice that reaps rewards beyond anything I could have predicted or envisioned.  

A couple of days ago, I was listening to a very inspiring talk where the speaker was sharing how she starts every day in a "meeting" with her spiritual CEO. In other words, starting out with mindfulness, reflection, and connection with what one holds vital or essential. She talked about writing down her the three things she wants to create that day, which is really just clarifying one's intentions or motivation for energy and actions.

There was this moment of "YES!" and then a crashing down as I looked around me to see the clutter of a day yet to really happen (in my mind) ... me still in my robe and slippers ... the clock ticking ... and an all-too-familiar feeling of "I've missed it again!" I know myself and I know If I reach noon and I have not immersed myself in my work (by which I mean that which excites, engages, challenges and expands me) then the window of opportunity has passed. For that day. I don't give up, but I know anything I embark upon in the afternoon will require a great deal more effort on my part both energetically and mentally. It just is. 

Still, I caught myself about to descend into some nasty self-talk ... you know, The Story about what I ought to have done and how miserable or useless a creature I really am ... 

"It seems I've lived as though there were two of me. Right where I stand is me as I am. Opposite me is another me, one I've never met. She is quite wonderful, charming, and accomplished. She sits longer, for instance, every day, and eats much less. She says and does nothing she regrets. She went to the exercise class I skipped; she didn't even glance at the dessert menu. She has all the potential I have misspent: youth, for instance, time, patience, and kindness. All the while that we have traveled side by side, she has taken a different road, one I've never seen. I am taunted by her perfection."

- Karen Maezen Miller, Paradise In Plain Sight: Lessons from a Zen Garden

Thankfully, I remembered the above passage and I recognized I could simply Begin Right Now with my day, choosing what was possible for me in this moment. I looked outside and realized run would help me shift into clarity and alignment. I came home from my run (after seeing a Kestrel - Kestrel teaches speed and action of thoughts must be done with a balance mind and heart along with patience to act at the opportune time) and made myself a green smoothie even though that Perfect Me was screaming about the lack of fresh fruit in the house and the almond milk that was not-quite fresh (but still fine). And it tasted great and I felt great.

So each day I try my best and I honor that what I can do is what I can do. The only one looking over my shoulder, second guessing me is that mythic creature, the Perfect Me. And honestly, she is a tad boring, predictable and not very inspiring to be around. So I pat her on her tidy head and offer her a few oohs and ahs for her impossible schemes before returning to my real world clutter and chaos which always holds out so many interesting surprises, insights and opportunities. 

Just thriving where I grow ...
 

 

it's really bad when ...

... I dissolve into tears before the Walgreen's pharmacy clerk.

Actually, I knew things were headed down a dark road when I found myself eating cold cereal for supper a few nights back. And really REALLY OFF when The Husband declared his intention to have cold cereal the same night (unaware of my Dickensian dinner) and I told him he couldn't because there wasn't enough milk for breakfast.

I lived on cold cereal as a kid. I probably ate more cereal than any other food item as I was a picky eater and my mother didn't have the fortitude to challenge me. Water goes around the rock and milk flowed liberally into a bowl of Frosted Flakes or Cocoa Puffs.

Given my overindulgence in the flake food group, I rarely eat cereal as an adult. To decide upon cereal as a viable option for my evening meal is a sign of total decline in spirit, imagination, energy and self worth. My father often ate cold cereal for supper. He would state his intentions with the subtext being "no one really cares enough to cook me a dinner so I must settle for this." Sitting at the kitchen island eating Wheaties in the fading light, I was aware things were spiraling downwards.

I don't know if I have a sinus infection or a dental problem, but I have had a low, dull headache and irritation in the upper part of my mouth for the better part of a week. My tendency is to ignore discomfort and hope it wanders away. But today I accepted defeat and went to see the doctor. Of course, she couldn't see if there is anything wrong with my sinuses so I am to take an antibiotic and if afterwards I still feel bad, then I need to see the dentist.

By now, all I can think about is my head - or more exactly the left side of my head which is feeling progressively number and achier with each passing minute. (Did I mention that while I avoid going to the doctor, I do not avoid worrying about the multitude things that could be wrong with me ... much like I worry about my car whenever a new noise becomes apparent.) I wanted relief and eagerly arrived at Walgreen's for the possibility of relief that is my prescription.

Of course, the clerk informed me there was nothing in the system for me. He proceeded to tell me I hadn't received anything from that location in over a year and a half - basically implying I was woefully misguided, as if I were Miss Havisham arriving to collect her wedding invitations. I told him indeed that was the last time I needed a prescription filled. He then searched the general database and no, nothing for me anywhere.

At this point hot and bothered - bundled in woolens, down jacket and purse bearing down upon shoulders weakened by holiday fatigue and woe - I started to crumble. "Can you call my doctor's office?" Of course I didn't have the phone number in my cell phone. I could barely remember the name of the location and for a moment I couldn't even remember the doctor's name.

I mean, it had been over a year and a half, right?

That is when the tears started to roll ...

He gave me the number and I tried calling only to be told the doctor was now at lunch and I would have to wait until she got back in to straighten things out. Clutching my cellphone with snot (hopefully infected) dribbling out my nose, I waddled out of Walgreen's and now am home waiting for a call back.

And that is my holiday wish: that my sinuses that are the cause of my general malaise and discontent and not a decaying tooth which would have to wait until Monday to be seen by my dentist. Oh, and that the doctor will call back sometime today? I mean, when I finally decide I need to see a doctor then know I damn well want my drugs - NOW! (I've been waiting now for over 2 1/2 hours ... still no call.)






All of which is to say ... I am proceeding one step at a time. Head down, just inch forward - pause - repeat. Oh, and it's been snowing here which is really lovely but adding to my headache and fatigue as I gingerly make my way about on icy sidewalks to walk the dog and then crawl into my car and clutching the steering wheel creep about on slushy streets.

Thank god for online holiday shopping.

Two books I meant to mention in my review of inspiring titles are children's books but I love the message that they share about creativity and making art. They both are by Peter Reynolds and the first one is called The Dot and the second one is Ish. Cowgirl and I love both books and find they inspire us equally.








Yes, there have been pockets of inspiration ... as a reminder of better days ... some play from last weekend - my barnyard is filling up while Cowgirl is working on holiday themed pieces for school.

a very BIG pink pig

cowgirl's holiday tree with presents ... a project for her Chinese class

for some reason, in Moose's fantasy life he is French!

For a healthy dose of real inspiration, I encourage you to check out the beautiful series "The Love Gift" being offered over on Studio Margot. (I have contributed a piece that will be up sometime this month.) It is like an advent calendar of love and joy!






I may be down ... but I'm not out (just not having as much fun as my girl ... but holding out hope for the drugs ...)

double dog dare ...

This is how I am feeling these days:









Not sure what my challenge is other than to stay steady in a season that always leaves me feeling like I've been tossed out of the raft and into the white water. Crazy fun? Yes. Exhausting and hazardous to my nervous system? Undoubtedly.

I seem to be finding my center in the chicken coop these days.








I am having a blast playing around with line, color, and my tub of watercolor toys. My working technique so far is to do an initial contour drawing using pencil -









Then go back over the lines with an ink tense black pencil.








I then use a small brush to wash in those lines before going back in with color. I've been experimenting with all my supplies: watercolor pencils and crayons, ink tense pencils, and pan watercolor paints.








So perhaps my dare is to pull out your stuff and see what it wants to tell you?


As it is the time to be making lists, I thought it would be fun to share a few of the books that have been especially inspiring to me. Perhaps there is something you might want to add to your Amazon wishlist? (I seem to be the only one who ever looks at my list!)

1. Drawing Lab for Mixed Media Artists by Carla Sonheim.




The Bodhi Chicklet turned me on to this gem (thanks Kim!) It is my to-go book whenever I am feeling sluggish creatively or when I get overwhelmed by what I want to do. It takes me back to basics - drawing - but it is anything but simplistic. I could spend a year exploring any one of the 52 suggested exercises and techniques in this book. Yeah, it will keep you busy for a long, long while.



2. Creative Illustration Workshop for Mixed Media Artists by Katherine Dunn.



I just got this book so I haven't gone through it completely ... which is to say I am savoring each page, each illustration. I love hearing about an artist's working practice - where their ideas come from and how they evolve into a final piece. I also appreciate technical tips (such as applying a little gel varnish with a finger tip over written text on a piece to prevent it from bleeding) and this book seems to be full of both.

If becoming a patron of the arts is a possible holiday gift you'd like to make, then consider sponsoring Katherine's Kickstarter Project Misfits of Love )



3. Painted Pages: Fueling Creativity with Sketchbooks and Mixed Media by Sarah Ahearn Bellemare.



This was the book that inspired the pieces Cowgirl and I made for this year's Painting with a Purpose campaign. I love seeing how Sarah uses her sketchbooks to capture the details of her life, as well as being a place to explore and play with ideas, themes, and designs. The play of image and words is strong in Sarah's art and she introduces how she works with blending the two together. This book is both inspiration and a kind of manual for creating mixed media pieces.



4. The Creative Habit: Learn it and Use it for Life by Twyla Tharp.



The title says it all. Hands down, this is my favorite book on creativity and how to support and nurture it. A practice I have committed myself to ... and it is exactly that: a practice. For me, discipline is needed but always, always discipline and work transmute into joy and exhilaration. Always.



5. The Artistic Mother: A Practical Guide to Fitting Creativity Into Your Life by Shona Cole.




What I love about this book is how Shona breaks down the projections into smaller segments and suggests ways we can gather the material, the inspiration for several pieces over a period of days and weeks. I tend to go whole hog on a project and burn myself out trying to get everything done in one go, so this way of working has taught me how to integrate my work into my busy schedule. And unlike many other books, I've actually done most of the projects in this book! Ironically, the sewing project which I initially resisted resulted in my delving into other sewing projects. I created a number of larger sized totes as gifts based upon the Poetry Tote project in this book. I also loved the Altered Storybook project (which reminds me ... I had planned to do another one!) I don't believe you have to be a mother to enjoy this book.

I'm sure there are others I am forgetting ... and I would love to know your favorites for my holiday list!








And now I am anxious to get back to my pads, pencils, paints and papers. So many ideas, so little time! As if things don't feel speeded up enough, Cowgirl has lost her third tooth in less than 3 weeks! This one had to be pulled and she was very brave. While the fairies have the baby tooth, she continues to wear the plastic tooth given to her by the dentist as a kind of medal of honor. Meanwhile, her other front tooth is hanging on by a thread ... no rest for the tooth fairy.







But plenty of rest for my other muse.







Go on ... be naughty AND nice. I dare you ...