Weekly Reflection (week 27): Surprises

I am in my second week of painting BIG and it is like the roller coaster took off from the highest of highs and we are flying fast and furious down the track. It is exhilarating, it is intimidating, it is inspiring and it is intoxicating. I have made 7 paintings and each time I start, I have no idea where I will end up. It is not about the final product, but about the experience and about being fearless, being present, being open and willing to let go and open ourselves up to our inherent bigness of spirit and creativity.

detail from Memory #1 painting

So, how is surprise manifesting in my life and in my art right now?

The biggest surprise is how much I love the act of painting. And I mean love in the sense of my gut and my emotions and my mind driven towards one thing: squeezing paint onto my palette, seizing a brush, and laying down thick, juicy strokes of color upon the paper. I love the dialogue between me and each piece; how the work whispers which color it wants next, demands more attention in one area, insisting I stay present and receptive to each act, each stroke and glob of pigment I lay down.






I am surprised by the layers of meaning that seem to appear out of nowhere. When I am painting, I try not to plan out or think too much about what I am going to do. I want to enter into a meditative state where I am conscious only of the act of painting, allowing it to guide me. So I find it surprising when finished to see how much sense there was from intuitive choices.

The prompt for this week's projects has been memory: selecting a memory to revisit and painting from that place of recalling objects, feelings, thoughts, or events. Today I was thinking about a moment when we were in China, just days after we became a family with Cowgirl. Our group had gone on a morning trip and afterward I was going on a separate bus to buy some needed supplies while Cowgirl and the Husband were to take a different bus home. As I walked by their bus, the Husband directed Cowgirl to look out the window. There was a brief pause, and then like a flash bulb going off, her face lit up upon recognizing me. She patted her little hands against the glass and a smiled this crazy pirate smile of pure joy. In that moment, I knew I was hers and she was mine.

earlier stage of the painting Memory #2: China

So I started painting with that memory: that window, her smile, her hand upon the glass. Remembering the lushness, greenness and humidity of southern China in August, the many greens and yellow took over the bulk of the painting. The window had to be blue. I was thinking about the contrast of that window - that frame around the two people who comprise my world and the scene it revealed - against the hot and noisy landscape we were occupying for those first few weeks as a family. What I realized after painting was how I restricted myself to the colors assigned to our family by Cowgirl: blue for her (her favorite color), green for me (my favorite color) and yellow for daddy (not his favorite color, but as a daddy he suffers this daughter's decisions.)






The black writing also just popped into my mind and I strongly wanted to have Chinese characters in the piece. I apologize to anyone who can read Chinese! I knewn the character for family, which I wrote over and over in black. I then went back over and wrote daughter blue and then it seemed obvious to add Love in the middle. I remembered then that the character for family encompasses components of the symbol for love. As I struggled to be more fluid and relaxed in my writing, it struck me how my experience of learning to parent is akin to my learning a new language. I struggle not because of my lack of skill or vocabulary, but because I am extremely self conscious about the gap between my proficiency and my desire to be more fluent.

detail; part of the character for Love is cut off; below it, the characters for Cowgirl's name

And yet by bringing up this memory, I am reminded of how much understanding there already existed between my child and myself when all she understood verbally was her new name and my name as mommy. Even though I felt extremely shaky those first few days (I had not even changed a diaper until China!) I acted from my heart and from my gut. That was all that was needed then, and that is all that is needed now.

I am surprised to find myself easing up on myself not only in my painting, but in other areas of my life. I am discovering I do not have to work so hard to find meaning; it has a way of finding me if I just let it happen. I am surprised to discover that the simple act of painting from a place of acceptance and openness has so many rich lessons to teach me. And if the practice of letting go of expectations in my painting yields so many gifts and lessons, what would it mean to apply this to other areas of my life?




Surprising is the possibility I am more fluent than I have allowed myself to believe. Most of all, I am surprised to realize I painted my way to a place of confidence and trust in myself as a parent. I know deep within, I hold all the answers, all the words I will ever need to guide, support and love my daughter.



Painting with a Purpose Update:




Congratulations to Diana who won our Celebration Elephant! She will be making her way to your home shortly. Our next painting is almost ready to unveil, so check back on Friday. There are two more chances to win a painting, so be sure to make a donation using the link on the right hand side of this page and be sure to leave a comment letting us know you are supporting our campaign.

Summer fun (and my Best Shots)

How is it July is well underway and I feel like summer has only just begun? One vacation down, one more to look forward to! I am still searching for that sense of lazy days of summer, but so far my days have felt more like this:

i am getting pretty good with the chinese yo-yo

Enough time as passed for Cowgirl's seedling to grown into 3 full green beans:

And while I run around tending to all of our various projects, Cowgirl is busy being the social butterfly.

impressing a new friend with her soda gargling skills (she spilled more than she drank; he was smitten)

It seems like summer is a juggling act between play and more play; lots of gatherings with family and friends to keep us on the move and then the usual list of unexpected events (a flat tire, a sick dog, a broken air conditioner - all in one week!) Often the end of the day finds me feeling spent, but in the way Cowgirl exhausts herself: from packing in all the sunshiny goodness.

And always, there is time to unwind in our favorite way - Spa Night! The big tub, soothing jets, new bubble bath and splashes of icy cold water refresh even the most exhausted among us.

this is a game that could go on for hours: sitting by the faucet and repeatedly splashing cold water into her face, squealing with delight and thrashing all around. the joy is infectious!

(I know - how much longer will she let me get away with bathtub shots? Sigh ... the fleeting joys of a mama and her camera!)

Check out more images of summer here: Unravelling Together (My latest diptych contribution is up!) And later today, Cowgirl will select the winner of our latest painting, Celebration Elephant. I'll announce the winner on Wednesday, along with a sneak peak of the next piece we will be giving away.

How does your summer look so far? Is it lazy or crazy or a bit of both?

Painting with a Purpose: Week 2 Giveaway!

There has been a frenzy of painting action going on here. In addition to my taking over the dining room floor for BIG, Cowgirl has been joining me in painting our second painting for our Painting with a Purpose Campaign. Say hello to Celebration Elephant!





This happy pink pachyderm is waiting to join your home, bringing with her balloons, a lush garden and elephant-sized love. All you have to do to be entered into the drawing is make a one time donation to Half the Sky Foundation. There is a badge over on the right hand side of the blog that says DONATE NOW. This will take you directly to our pledge page. Be sure to either sign on for the honor roll there, or leave me a comment here letting me know you made a donation. Each week, your name will be entered into the drawing, so one donation gives you three chances to win! Cowgirl draws a name on Monday, so be sure to leave a comment today! If you are not familiar with our campaign, more information can be found here.

Cowgirl and I cannot thank you all enough for the generous support and contributions we have already received for this campaign. We are very close to our target goal of $600, but would love to blast past that goal! Each dollar you donate goes to support enrichment programs for the children living in Chinese orphanages. Some of these children are waiting for their Forever families, but many will only know the love and care of their nannies. Through Half the Sky Foundation's support and training, each caregiver is given the training and the tools to make a difference in the life of a child.




Art is plays a central role in the work Half the Sky caregivers provide for the children. So this art a-thon is a way of celebrating the power of art to make a difference in the lives of those who create and for those who celebrate Love through creative expression. For Cowgirl and myself, making art together is one way we strengthen the bonds of communication, respect, and care. Each painting is a truly collaborative process. Cowgirl comes up with the themes and I begin by sketching out the form. This week she suggested and elephant with balloons and flowers. I then asked her what colors to use and begin to paint the outline of the elephant and balloons in the paints she selected. She then goes in and fills in the forms. After that, I asked her about the flowers. She told me the colors and then, in the true form of a 5 year old, said "you do it" and ran off to another activity! So I painted in the garden.






The next day we agreed upon grass and a blue sky which she then filled in. Sometimes I will go back over patches where the paint is thin, but I try to retain her original brushwork. For this painting, the word Celebrate came to mind, so I added that in. In the previous piece, Cowgirl came up with the name Friend Fish and I adapted that to Friendship Fish (as every animal she names tends to be Friend Dog or Friend Cow!) The final day we make any additional touches and sign our names: C Dog and Lis.





It is fitting that our final assignment for week one of BIG was to paint as a 5 year old. Connie shared this wonderful quote from Picasso: "Every child is an artist. The problem is staying one as we grow up." I would say, the best way to stay in touch with one's inner child is to paint with a child! The process not only keeps me in touch with the fresh way a child sees their world and interprets things, but also how they celebrate the really juicy things in life: balloons, flowers, pink elephants, floating hearts, rainbows. By working with my child, I am learning from her; what I hope she is gaining is a validation of her ideas, her creations, her unique expression. I believe painting together is strengthen our bond of trust and respect. And in that space, love can blossom free and unconditional.

So, what would your five year old self like to express? How do you honor the child within you and the children in your life? Taking time to color, paint, read stories, or listen to the stories our children tell us is both healing and amazingly inspiring. You never know who you might meet. Perhaps a pink polka dot octopus?




We'd love to hear from you! Leave a comment and let us know about your art-full plans for the weekend. You might just win an elephant. ♥

Weekly Reflection (week 26): Thoughts on being BIG

What scares me about being BIG? What excites me?

I have to explain that BIG is the latest and in my humble opinion, Greatest e-course offering by Connie Hosvicka of Dirty Foot Prints Studio (and damn, her Art Journal Love Letters course is awesome, so she's batting a thousand here folks!) BIG is painting big. BIG is creating from a place of Fearlessness, a place of Passion, and a place of Faith whereby I am jumping into the sea of creativity and trusting the process to carry me to a new shore. And then jumping in again.

We are in our first week together and already I can see something powerful is happening. Connie has asked us to journal about our experience and to reflect upon the process rather than the product. To get us started, she gave us some journaling prompts on BIG and the above is my spin on her questions. What scares me about being BIG?

my first scribble piece; each painting is done on large poster board with acrylic paints

Wow. I immediate thought about how I have lived my life trying to be small. I was big as a kid (I know, anyone that knows me never believes this) and at my biggest, I was 45 pounds heavier than I am today. I was uncomfortably aware of my size as a kid. Add to this being a redhead and I just stood out. I hated being called "Red" which is what most adults loved to call me. I did not want to be singled out; I did not want attention for fear than any attention I would receive would be negative. I was the kid who always hung back, hoping to pass unnoticed and hoping to be left alone.

I think this desire to be left alone fueled my drive toward perfectionism. If I did everything everyone else wanted, then I could slip by without comment. See, even doing well did not mean praise, but anonymity. So what scares me about being BIG is being noticed. What I find sad is my equating being noticed with being found lacking.

Being BIG means taking up space, taking what I need and also what I want. Being BIG means declaring "I am and I have a right to all of this." Of course this runs counter to what I absorbed as a child: not to make a fuss, not to be a bother, not to waste, not to speak back, fight back and certainly not to put myself first. I say "absorbed" because I do not believe these lessons were consciously given to me; but they filtered in none-the-less.

scribble #2

I wonder if being BIG - or rather the fear of it - is particularly a challenge for women? We are taught to tend to others, rein in our emotions - in fact, doubt our emotions or our emotional reaction to situations - never mind the cultural preference for physical smallness/thinness. To be BIG is to be substantial. I decided to check out the definition of substantial: "of considerable importance, size, or worth" and "real and tangible." Interesting is the derivation of the word from the Latin substant meaning "standing firm."

To be BIG then is to not merely take up space, but to hold it and proclaim my right to its occupation. And in painting BIG, I am declaring my experience, my creative expression as worthy of existence and attention. Each time I paint BIG, I am expressing my dance between feelings and pigment, energy and brushstrokes, intuition and color and form. I am putting it out there to be noticed. And really, the person who needs to see and accept it is myself.

lines painting - this process reminded me of a zentangle

So what excites me about BIG is exploring the spaciousness within me and sharing it with the world. Fellow BIG tribe member Lisa wrote about the experience of opening her wings and it struck me that my habitually stiff shoulders are so not from the weight of responsibility I place upon myself, but perhaps sore from the effort of holding my wings tightly closed. I am ready to open my wings and take in their full expanse and power. This excites me; this feels daring - to explore my full power and to affirm my experience in vibrant, strong color and form.

shapes painting

Yes, BIG is proving to be the best leap ever - a leap back into my heart and into myself. And look who is joining me ...

Cowgirl working on our second piece for Painting with a Purpose

while our first piece sits, Cowgirl started a new "self portrait": a C-Dawg

What would being BIG mean to you? Do you hold or shrink back? What keeps us small? I am learning it is only myself and Fear that keeps me small and quiet. No more!

Exciting Announcements & Painting with a Purpose update

I am excited to announce the winner of our first Painting with a Purpose Friendship Fish painting is the lovely and loveable Fiona, a fellow Unraveller and creativity cheerleader if there ever was one! Fishie is receiving some finishing touches and then she will be swimming all the way over to the Isle of Jersey. How exciting - an international fish! Congrats Fi!





Not wanting to leave anyone out, I decide to expand the drawing to anyone whose name appears on the honor roll over on my Half the Sky Pledge page in addition to comments here or emails. I know not everyone's name is on the honor roll, so be sure to contact me to get your name in for the next drawing! We love hearing from you, so please do continue to drop in on Fridays when we reveal our next painting and lend your written support. As of today, we have $530 towards our goal of $600 so no donation is too small to make a difference. And we would love to surpass our goal which means additional sponsorship for a child in need. Remember, you only have to make a donation once, but there are three more chances to win (and who knows? I may add a bonus week!)

In other exciting news, I am one of twenty women collaborating on a new blog called Unravelling Together. After taking Susannah Conway's incredibly inspiring e-course Unravelling, a group of us continued together on a daily or weekly self portrait project. One year later, we have paired up and each set will be presenting a photographic diptych to the blog on a regular basis. Week one is up and some lovely images are in place.

Week One diptych with my partner, Kerstin's photo on the left and mine on the right. To see future offerings, you'll have to check out the blog!

Finally, there is more inspiration to be found over at Dirty Foot Prints Studio. To celebrate her one year anniversary of her studio, Connie is spotlighting a different Art Journaler each day in a feature called 30 Journals 30 Days. Guess who will be occupying July 16th? Each profile offers oodles of inspiration including links to each artist's list of favorite art journalers and creative sirens. Be sure to check it out.

Is is just me, or does it feel like creativity is in full bloom everywhere this summer?

Cowgirl's Zinnia today; it started out like this:

Weekly Reflection (week 25): Strength versus weakness

(Don't forget to read Friday's post with my first Painting with a Purpose giveaway and your chance to win our Friendship Fish painting! Comments close on Monday, so don't wait!)

What strengths do I bring to my family?

This was the closing question in the parents session of HeArt Talks at Heritage Camp, a forum for participants to discussion their emotions and experiences around adoption, using art as a means to access deeper feelings. I had read the literature before camp regarding the subject matter of Cowgirl's session and was preparing myself for her questions or reactions but I had given little thought to how the session would impact me.






The parent's meeting was held at the very end of camp. Having had a rough morning with Cowgirl, my emotions were pretty much right under the surface and ready to spill out over me and anyone unfortunate enough to be in close proximity. I knew Cowgirl was physically tired, over stimulated, excited and overwhelmed but I had paid little attention to myself. Until that moment of walking into the parent's room.

As I pulled my plastic chair over to the circle of adults already seated in the room, I was painfully aware of my immense vulnerability and raw emotional state. It had been thrilling to witness the children bonding, celebrating their Chinese heritage and just goofing around as kids do, climbing all over the adult counselors like a pack of playful puppies. But a sadness was settling around me as the reality of their bond - their shared history of loss of birth family and heritage - presents a more difficult history to explain never mind grasp with one's heart.

So I sat down in a group of strangers feeling rather helpless and overwhelmed. If I was having a hard time processing things, how could I hope to help Cowgirl move through her feelings? I think parenting in general makes everyone feel incompetent at some point or another - at least for anyone who really wants to do the job right. And make no mistake - this is a job. The hardest job I'll ever love. A job with mandatory overtime, no sick or personal days and certainly no holidays. A job I cannot quit, walk away from, or fail at. A job with the best benefits ever, but there are tolls to be paid.

The session itself was pretty loose and open; just a time to talk about whatever feelings or concerns were coming up for us. As each person shared a bit of their story, what I sensed - or maybe projected onto others - was everyone scrambling to keep far away from a deep well of fear. Myself included. Most were willing to share pieces of their story and their struggles, but no one dared admit what I was stewing in at that moment: fear of failure. And yet that fear lurks at the edges of all that I do as a parent: I gather as much information as I can, I put myself out there even when I want to run and hide, I get up every day for the joy and the challenge of raising my daughter and I push pass this fear that nips at my heels, trying to trip me up. I do all that I can, I love my daughter as best as I am able but still there is a fear that I will not be enough: I will not know enough, say enough, try hard enough to usher her through the challenges that lie ahead.

As I type this, I sigh with recognition of that thorny phrase "I am not enough." I was definitely feeling this way as the session wore on. Then the counselor directed us to go pick up a magazine picture that represented the strength we brought to our family and then to share with the group.






I wish I could say in those final moments of sharing, I found my strength and discovered myself to be equal to the task.

Instead I left that room more confused and uncertain. But I also left resolved to fight for answers and for support. My job is not to heal Cowgirl but to provide her with the tools and understanding to heal herself. By finding my strength, by acknowledging it, I hope I can show her how to dig down deep to uncover her core of strength. And goodness. Because that is what I believe: that we are all born whole and good but for some reason we lose sight of that truth. However we come into our families, whatever trials life serves up to us, I firmly believe our task is to healed ourselves and in the process come to know ourselves as good and whole.

So the strengths I bring to my family are determination, faith and hopefulness. I chose a picture of a woman who reminded me of the goddess Lakshmi, the goddess of the Arts and learning. She represents to me the tools I am using to heal myself: Art and Yoga. I hope that my daughter can use these tools to understand and heal herself.






To appreciate my strengths, I have to face my fears and understand my perceived weakness. I may have left that session feeling overwhelmed and incapable but growing in me is a conviction that I have to be enough. I cannot allow myself to believe anything less because my Cowgirl depends upon me being more than enough. In order to support her in her journey to wholeness, I must first heal myself. That I believe this possible may be the greatest strength I bring to my family. I cannot settle for anything less; my girl depends upon me to be strong in the face of our fears and to lead us towards understanding and healing. In her eyes, I am enough and I am slowly learning to live up to that belief.





Celebrate your strengths today. Share them and in the process strengthen them. Do this for yourself and for all those that you love.

Painting with a Purpose: Week 1 Giveaway!

This little fishy is ready to swim into your home, bringing with her lots of love and playfulness for a summer of fun and hope!

As part of our Painting with a Purpose Art a-Thon to raise money and awareness for Half the Sky Foundation, Cowgirl and I collaborated on this painting as a means to celebrate the gifts of art and friendship. This 8 by 10 inch rainbow fish is the first of four paintings we will be giving away to anyone who makes a donation to Half the Sky Foundation and then leaves a comment here or through personal email to me. You only have to donate once; but each Friday you must check back in and leave a comment showing your support for our campaign. Full details can be found here.

Cowgirl will draw a name at random on Monday to select the winner, so be sure to check back or leave contact information should you be the lucky winner! I am still debating adding a wire hanger and may leave that decision up to the winner.

If you haven't donated yet, look over to the right sidebar and click on the image that says Donate Now. This will take you to our pledge page. If you do not like to pay online, there is a place for you to download a form and mail in your donation.

Then come back here and leave a comment or email me at: lishofmann(at)novia(dot)net. The drawing will be from comments left here and emails. If you have any questions, please feel free to contact me.

Cowgirl and I are super excited to begin our second piece. And we are amazed and grateful for everyone who has already contributed to this worthy campaign.




Our little fishy is signed by both of us (Cowgirl's preferred nickname is C-Dog) and she is looking forward to hearing from you this weekend!

♥ Lis & Cowgirl