Weekly Reflection (Week 18): Why do I bother?

What keeps me returning to this practice?


So I am blaming my disjointed mood upon the weather that feels more like Scotland in the Spring complete with constant drizzle and chilly temperatures. I swear, if I squint, the gray clouds really do have puffy cheeks as they blow their strong winds directly into me. It is also the end of the semester at work and even though my schedule remains the same, there is this quiet lull which is unsettling after the frantic pace of finals week. There is this sense of Now What? in the air which seeps into my consciousness.

So yesterday I was pondering this weekly reflection post when this rebel thought crept into my mind: why not just skip it? The door was then open for me to consider "Why am I doing this in the first place?" and "If I stopped it, would it really matter?"

It is funny how this process has shifted and changed for me. Originally, I had intended the reflections to act as a prompt for an art journal page. Nothing too serious, but tapping into my daily life and hopefully acting as a visual record of my thoughts throughout the year. Then the writing took over from the art journaling although there have been times when the two have danced in synch together. But now I wonder if this is all too much navel gazing?

The BeItLiveItDoIt (BILIDI/April In Paris) course this past week was all about the obstacles that manifest whenever we are working towards a change, a dream, a goal. What struck me immediately was the fact that the stumbling blocks that manifest are exactly what Patanjali writes about in the Yoga Sutras in regards to practice. Fear, doubt, inertia, loss of faith, loss of ground gained, sickness, apathy are all hindrances that we can expect to face on any journey. Even though I know these hindrances are part of the process, I am always knocked off balance when they arise. Instead of showing doubt the door, I offered it a cup of tea and entertained its defeating ideas.

Okay, so I didn't even intend to go down this path today! Surrendering to the flow of things sounds so simple but requires skill to practice. The skill needed is bringing myself back to my center and back to my intention for myself and for my life. This is where my Vision Banner has already proved invaluable. Reading through other peoples comments and experiences in BILIDI I hit upon this shift in my thinking. I actually thought someone else wrote this but now re-reading the comments, I see I twisted things around to suit my situation. The issue was the quest for one's creativity to support them financially. Doing what one loves and making a living off of one's art sounds great, right? Well, I know a little bit about the grass over on that side of things and I'll just say, I know this is not the solution for me. At least, not now. But what I realized was instead of thinking about my creativity supporting me, the issue at really is: how am I supporting my creativity?

Things that make me go "Hmmmm..."

or ribbit, ribbit

I recognize I am in a wonderful phase of exploration with so many tools - writing, art, photography - available to aid me on this journey. If I want creativity to inform my life, I must first pay homage to it. I must show up for her every day with sleeves rolled up, ready to dig in and get to work. I have to walk the talk and acknowledge there will be messes, there will be mistakes, there will be moments when the forest and the trees are all muddled up and I am completely lost. So lost, that navel gazing may be the only fruitful thing I can do in that moment. But if I want creativity to thrive in me, I must provide fertile ground for her to grow.

What type of soil does creativity require? I am thinking Openness, Willingness, Fearlessness, Passion, and Commitment. The antidote to the hindrances I will encounter is very simple: Practice. And more practice. And more practice. Practice and then surrender to what arises. Surrendering to the flow does not mean I stop paddling; it is knowing when I can move through a current and when have to yield to its force.

So I am paddling away here (don't you love my mixed metaphors? rivers, gardens, navels and frogs) and I now see Doubt sitting back on the side of the river waiting for someone else to float by. And while I continue to believe the ground I am making will be rich and fertile enough to allow creativity to spill out into all aspects of my life, I am also embracing this revolutionary notion raised by Marisa on Creative Thursday : I am a thriving artist. Here is my spin:

So now I am pondering (perhaps my next reflection?) how exactly is this artist choosing to thrive? How can I/how do I embrace and express this notion? I do know this - for any garden to grow sun, storms, wind, heat and cold are all necessary. The oyster needs the irritation of the sand to make its pearl and a little adversity in my life (okay, in my thinking) can only strengthen my effort and resolve.





So to sum things up: practice, thriving, irritants and I'll add trust. This is something Cowgirl taught me the other day. She has brought home 6 little starter pots with different seeds from school. She explained to me that now we could save money by growing some of the food we need: corn, green beans, watermelons and pumpkins being our future diet. A couple of days later we were at the store and as I reached for a bag of green beans she reminded me: "Mom, you don't need to buy beans - I am growing them, remember?"

Yes, she is already a master gardener, artist and dreamer.

For more inspiration on gardening and thriving creatively, check this post out by Andrea at ABC Creativity. No mixing of metaphors there! And if you are looking for others to help you weed, fertilize and harvest your creative flower beds, check out Art Journal Love Letters and become a part of an amazing group sharing the love and joy of artful play.

Weekly Reflection (week 16): Surrendering to my Life

How gracefully do I surrendering to my life?

So here is how my mind works: first I was chewing on the question posed by Marisa Haedike in one of her podcasts from her blog Creative Thursday - "Is this the life that I want for myself?" Thinking about it, I was getting stuck on the notion of want and some confusion - in my mind, of course - around the sense of dreams being tied up with desires and grasping at what I don't have and being blind to what is in my life. In the shower I came up with a spin on this question which is: Am I growing the way I want to grow? And from another angle: Am I living the life I have been given?

So I was getting all bogged down over the deeper implications behind dreaming, and notions of desire, attachment, aversion never mind the original question which is asking if I am living my life awake and aware or is my life living me? Driving into work I was listening to a CD sent to me from Kripalu Yoga Teachers Association on chanting and my favorite chant, Om Namah Shivaya came on. Chanting has always been a powerful practice for me. The first time I chanted, it felt just right. As Bhavani, the instructor on the CD explained, for some of us chanting is like a magnet and we are the metal filings that are drawn to it. She also explained how what we chant - usually the names of gods or goddesses (all aspects of one infinite energy) - is to remind us what it is we are committing ourselves to or what it is we are wanting to evoke within ourselves. As someone who has become increasingly forgetful, this resonates with me! I will set an intention at the beginning of my yoga practice and usually that is it - the concept flies away the minute I open my eyes and begin moving. So I need constant reminders in my life.

Om Namah Shivaya roughly translates into "I bow to lord Shiva" or I bow to the constant change that is the nature of life. Bhavani offered a beautiful translation: May I surrender to the reality of my life. She then questions "how gracefully can we do that?"

Okay, so I've travel a bit from the original question that got everything rolling, but maybe not. I keep in touch with my dreams not because I believe my life is lacking in anyway but to keep in touch with how I want to grow as a person. And in order to grow into the person I aspire to be (the person I already am, but need to embrace) I must surrender to what my life is offering me. If dreams are like seeds, then I plant and water those seeds and but the soil that they go into is the circumstances of my life. How that plant will grow depends up my attention and care but it also depends upon elements outside of my control. It is the earth - my world, my responsibilities, my commitments, my family - that provides the nutrients and in my opinion, the magic that will take my dreams beyond the scope of what I am capable of envisioning.

So to commit to a dream seems to require both conscious action and a letting go. Which is ... duh! ... Karma Yoga! Doing my part and letting go of the notion I control the outcome. Rather, receiving the fruits of my efforts as a gift, even when the outcome is vastly different from what I had anticipated. So to open a window onto my dreams, I am not looking to move beyond my life, but to glimpse how I may enrich it and how it already enriches me. To surrender gracefully to my life is not to stop growing, but to see new possibilities for growth.





And rather than consider how gracefully I surrender to my life perhaps I am setting "graceful surrender" as my intention. I commit myself to change and to growth. And I recall this intention each time I chant Om Namah Shivaya. Another translation I just found captures what I have been struggling to understand: "I honor that which I am capable of becoming." The life I aspire to is rooted in the life I am living and both are always in the process of becoming, growing and changing. That is the nature of Shiva's dance. And to borrow from T.S. Eliot "there is only the dance."

Double Dog Dare (Wishcasting Wednesday)

Remember that? To be double dogged dared ... to be pushed to the edge and taunted "come on, don't be a scared-dee cat" and either caving into peer pressure or slinking away, the label of Afraid pinned to your back.

There is so much positive, encouraging energy out here and I've found myself jumping in to waters I would never have imagined myself capable of swimming. I have received wonderfully gentle, encouraging nudges to share my vision, speak my words and I have responded to fear and uncertainty by daring myself many times.

So here's the thing: it is exciting to join in, to move outside of the comfort zone and expand my horizons. I am participating in Marisa Haedike and Sean Hogan's ecourse Be It Live It Do It (April in Paris) and I am struck by the fact that I am not sure what my "it" is? Well, my dreams of course. And everyone is talking about living their dreams, birthing their dreams, giving wings to them and I am definitely waving my pom poms and enthusiastically cheering everyone on.

And I know dreams come in various sizes and forms according to the dreamer and certainly I am the only judge of what is a dream for me. But I am wondering about all this calling into action? Yeah, I signed up and climbed aboard and am very excited to dig around and unearth whatever is germinating deep within me. But I am wondering - daring to consider in fact - that maybe I already have "it" and in fact am living "it" and I just need to recognize and appreciate this fact? Am I so busy looking up at the sky, squinting to see my dreams on the horizon that I am missing the fact they are laying comfortably by my feet, waiting to be acknowledged?

I dare to say I don't know.

I am uncertain.

I can change my mind.

I may want some time.

I wish to dare to consider the pieces of my life -

the messiness, the uncertainty, the eruptions and interruptions, false starts, dead ends, lost bits and scattered ideas -

are part of a larger form I may not be ready to take in.

or understand.

I wish to dare to consider

I may already be living my dream

and I wish to dare to believe

doing so

living "it"

it is much simpler

than my mind makes it out to be.

So many wonderful dares to read about over here.