Wednesday, March 27, 2013

on the mat

Isn't it funny how inspiration, like water, finds the quickest way in?  And always when we least expect it.

a lovely heart from an even lovelier soul, Emily

Oh, yeah.  Here's some karmic unfair play:  for the set up, you must understand I have been disdainful neglectful when it comes to domestic engineering tasks.  In other words, I've been overlooking the filth and clutter in my home. But after a long winter of one virus after another setting up squatter's camps, I got a bee up the bum and dove in by cleaning the sinks.  Somehow I spiraled into the laundry room and I had the vapors when I saw the sink that has never been cleaned since we moved in which was, um, 5 years ago?

I filled it with warm water and began scrubbing (yes, I was using a toothbrush!)  As I worked, I noticed a draining sound which I quickly discovered was the water that was supposed to be in the sink, pouring out the seal and into the cabinet underneath!  I grabbed a bucket, shoved it under the mini waterfall and yelled for the Husband.  I then ran downstairs and towards the garage to grab another bucket.  That's when my first A-Ha moment arrived.

You know the prank where someone rigs a bucket of water over a door and the unsuspecting fool opens the door all the way and water is dumped upon them?  I was that fool.  I opened the door to the garage  (which is apparently under the laundry room sink) and a torrent of water poured down through the jamb and upon my head.  

After the initial shock and surprise worn off, I tried arguing that this was some kind karmic punishment for cleaning (the Husband didn't buy it.) Only later did it occur to me that I had been cleansed while receiving a watery wake up call. 

You see, I've been receiving all kinds of signs that I need to keep clearing out the negative thoughts, the doubts, the scarcity thinking.  It is obviously an on-going process requiring some guerrilla tactics on the part of the Universe.

My next A-ha moment came during Cowgirl's martial arts tournament.  I attend such affairs with a poor attitude; it feels like one more way the center tries to squeeze us parents for money.  Before the event started, the master ("Master") addressed the audience and the kids, explaining the purpose of such events. While I still question his true motives (every office encounter I leave checking to make sure I haven't sold off a kidney or signed up for a tropical timeshare), his message was unexpectedly inspiring.

He started out by saying that people will always judge us ... how we look, how we talk, what we wear, how well we perform ... and that the competition is an opportunity to get used to being judged in a safe environment where the judges are part of the martial arts family who want to see them succeed.  We will be judged, but what matters is what we do with that feedback.  What matters is how we feel about ourselves.  He said told the kids sitting in a circle around the room that the most important thing was their decision to compete; that by stepping out upon the mat, they had already won because they were there to challenge themselves.  No matter the outcome, they showed up and tried and dared to excel. 

I think this is the practice: daring on a regular basis.  I  go through periods where I lean into my edges and attempt that which makes me feel both exhilarated and afraid. I make my appearance on the mat, but then I retreat to the safety and comfort of life as it was.  I let ease and certainty numb me.   I take calculated risks so I can say I tried, but I never face the really big fears.  

And what am I afraid of? Of falling flat on my face, not measuring up, not able to deliver the goods. I am afraid of putting myself first, making a choice and it being the wrong one, and not only a bad decision, but one that negatively impacts my family.  I am afraid of the judgments (that I'm selfish, irresponsible, deluded, spoiled, privileged) of others but in all honesty, I am the harshest judge of all.

What would it mean to stay on the mat? Is that even possible?

And maybe the mat is just a gate that stands open, waiting for me to become curious enough to pass through it and onto the path that leads, well ... I'm not sure where? But does that really matter?  Isn't it about honoring one's heart and saying "my happiness matters."

A HeartFull Living offering made for me by a true sweet heart, Donna Wynn

I am curious enough and tired of wondering "do I dare?"

I dare

This sleeping bear has awoken and is ready to lay claim to her life. Bring on the honey and the bees, the sweetness and the stings. I want it all.  

Possibilities ... I return to my intention and discover I am standing in a field of possibilities.  I just have to choose one and begin. And I see you in your field and say we all can dare together. 


  1. oh. my. goddess.

    i'm hyperventilating.

    or, at least i think this is what hyperventilating feels like. either that, or a major cardiac event.

    you are brave, you are wise, you are my Thelma....

    yes, yes, YES to all of those fears, all of those doubts, all of those judgements -- self-imposed and external.

    in our defense, i think it's okay for "people-like-us" to venture out for the practice-sessions on the know, just to make sure it's what we want...;) BUT....i also think people-like-us start getting comfy with the practice matches and convince ourselves that they count as the Real Thing and so what's the need to step out and stay there?

    possibilities? oh yeah, baby...The Man would be proud...

    HUGE seester...xoxox

    ps. can i just say i GASPED when i saw your beautiful face at the top of this are RADIANT!! i think this dangerous thinking agrees with you....;)


    1. It is scary ... especially as I seem to be stuck with a loop of - gasp - Bon Jovi? running through my head ... "It's my life, it's now or never ... I ain't gonna live forever!" And people like us, yes! We do need to remember we have responsibilities for a whole world of magical folk depending upon us ... so I may have the pickle bucket out for painting supply donations ... and why not?! I've got the door of the caddy swung open for ya darlin'!


  2. I have a similar sink in my basement - not been cleaned in 9 years (!) since we moved into the house. I will remember to have bucket in hand when I do "go there". I am sitting in your cheering section - you go girl!

  3. i can't wait to see you in my feild <3 ps it was karma for cleaning i am sticking to that story!