honoring my boundaries

If there is one theme running throughout my present life and within many of the circles I inhabit, it would be boundaries.  Personal or relationship boundaries: defining, clarifying, honoring and maintaining them.

I wonder if anyone older than thirty ever had healthy boundaries modeled for them?  Certainly in my family of origin, running rough-shod over personal space, never mind emotional space, was the norm.  It was my father's house damn it and that authority trumped all.  Emotional manipulation, passive aggressive behavior and martyr complex thrived in that environment. 

Much of my adult life has been spent dismantling unhealthy boundaries; getting at the negative  attitudes and behaviors while mindfully constructing positive, affirming ones.  Boundaries Boot Camp has been vital in bringing awareness to deeply rooted habits of being while holding out new tools in addressing and understanding boundary work.

A new aha (and duh, and of course!) came about when mapping out my circles of intimacy.  With myself in the middle, who - or what - occupies the concentric ring or circle directly adjacent to me ... the ring representing my most intimate of relationships?  Surprise! My most intimate relationships are not with my partner or my child (they occupy the next ring out) but with Spirit (or Source), with Nature, and with Creativity.

The relationship where I show up my most vulnerable and authentic self is not with another person, but with myself. 

Thinking about those relationships, I have to consider how I establish and maintain healthy boundaries.  Or conversely: how do I violate the terms of those relationships?  Do I disrespect or dishonor those connections and if so, how? More importantly, if at the most inner ring or core of my map of relationships there is a rupture, how does that ripple out into all my relationships?

Not the kind of questions to answer in one afternoon ... 

I believe at the foundation of healthy boundaries is a sense of self worth and self respect.  Right now, I am considering how I may disregard my relationship with creative source or creativity whenever I fail to show up for it.  What showing up looks like for me is listening deeply, and allowing space and time for expression and presence to flower and unfold.

exploring drawing with my non-dominant hand ... my new favorite way in!

Beyond any purpose I may believe my creative works exists to perform,  there exists a need for that creative expression to simply be.  For no other reason than it is a part of who I am and how I express my gratitude for the mystery and magic of being alive. Creative expression is how I honor the sacred presence that is me (and is all of us) and it is how I converse with that presence. 

Essential is space for play and exploration ... to question and, in my own language, craft my responses.  

on-going dialogue with Van Gogh; project idea from Studying Under the Masters course with Jeanne Oliver

How I want others to honor and respect my boundaries, I must extend to myself. When I dismiss my work -  when I devalue or talk smack about it; when I disregard its priority in my life; when I discount its cries for care; when I sacrifice it for "more important things" -  I am engaged in boundary violation ... with myself.

Instead, I pledge to respect, nurture, listen and tend to my Creativity.  I pledge to honor play, curiosity, exploration and adventure as core values that both everyday mom-me wishes to foster in our home, and more intimately, through relationship with Creativity and Source.  

Screech Owl á la Van Gogh

No more excuses ... change is afoot!

lifted ...

A couple of weekends ago, I went away on retreat with some sisters I've been circling with during the past year. 

The journey itself felt like more than I was up to handling, but I knew that once I arrived, there would be deep nourishment available at many levels. Physically, the space was beautiful: restful and abundant in the sights ...

sounds (coyote calls, birdsong), and smells of nature mellowing into an early autumn.  

There was an abundance of food, laughter and soulful sharing, personal inquiry and reflection upon what has been and what I am ready to release, to shed as I balance my rhythms with those of mother nature.  Each of us shared what we were ready to release, to set down upon the altar.  We harvested what nature had shed, creating bundles to offer along with our prayers to the fire on an soon-to-be full harvest moon.

We ended our stay with an Inipi or Sweat Lodge ceremony held by Sweet Medicine Nation, a wisdom keeper and teacher honoring the sacred ways of her Lakota and Choctaw lineage. It was a sweat performed in the traditional ways: modest clothing (women worn long skirts); offerings of tobacco made to the fire tender and water pourer; four rounds inside the lodge with prayers and songs offered in each round. It was a fitting way to honor the work our group had been doing that weekend as the sweat ceremony itself is about purification and preparation for spiritual work.  Entering the lodge is likened to returning to the womb - the Womb - being cleansed and through the intense experience of the sweat, being re-birthed upon leaving.  

It was my first sweat lodge and I was nervous about the intensity of the heat and my ability to endure it.  Within minutes of being in the lodge a sweat covered my entire being.  By the end of the fourth round, I felt as if I was covered in amniotic fluid my clothing and skin slick and drenched. I had been advised to lie down, it being cooler nearer the ground and the edges of the lodge.  At times I lay curled on my side, singing along with the chants which seemed familiar even though the language was foreign to me. I cannot say I thought of anything. I was carried along by the words of Sweet Medicine, the songs, the energy of the group pulsating in the darkness.

I never doubted I could make it all four rounds (you can exit after any round) and by the end I felt emptied and cleansed.  I admit, I expected to feel something more ... what, I'm not sure. I suppose I expected to receive some insight, a piece of clarity or understanding to be released in all that sweat.

When the fourth round was complete, we each made our way to the exit.  There, the fire tender reached down to help each of us rise out and up from the darkness of the lodge into the bright sunlight of the midday.  Everyone lines up and you greet each person who had been in the lodge.  It was by the third person that I realized something was happening ... that I was feeling less and less in my body, that I was becoming rapidly and increasingly light headed.  I greeted a few more people and then declared - to whom, I cannot remember - "I've got to go down!"

I slowly sunk to the ground, folding myself into child's pose with my forehead resting upon my towel.  I felt as if I was clinging to the earth, attempting to hold on.  I was not aware of much else.  At one point someone - Sweet Medicine? - placed her hands upon my back and said "Oh, she is shaking."  I was unaware of anything but the earth supporting me.

Slowly the fear and the dizziness began to abate. I then noticed a pair of feet waiting by my left shoulder.  As I began to rise up, a hand came down to lift me.  Standing by me was one of the grandmothers, an elder who had attended the first two rounds of the sweat and then had sat outside with another participating in prayers and songs. She was a tall, beautifully strong and solid woman with liquid eyes and raven hair threaded with silver. She guided me up and then linking my arm with hers, walked me slowly and calmly out of the circle and towards the picnic area for the following feast.  The fire tender, Carl, greet us with water and as he poured it over my head she uttered "Ahh ... I can feel you shifting!"  I remember little else of what she said but tangible is the memory of her support, her strong assurance and comfort in caring for and guiding me. 

This was the gift of the sweat: becoming vulnerable, being open, being looked after, and tended to with compassion and great care.  Receiving is not my strong suit.  My greatest fears center upon being abandoned, unable to care for myself, and unable to cope.  But as writer and Zen priest Karen Maezen Miller has pointed out "Fear is a false barrier. It's nothing but a gaping hole you step through. On the other side, the teacher is waiting." (Paradise In Plain Sight)

Or in my case, a grandmother was ready to offer me a strong and supportive arm, reminding me I am never truly alone or helpless.  There is always support available to me.  I just have to open to it, tap into it, and meet it half way.  

 

In so many ways, I now see this truth manifesting in my life. Through so many channels, in many forms I am being looked after, I am being lifted up and received.

sacred work

What may be simple crafting to one person ...

can be deep soul work for another ...

Each set of prayer flags is a practice of meditation, opening to intuition, and inviting spirits and guides to present themselves to me. I play with images, making my own stamps;

 and collage fabric bits to create appliqué designs. 

In the past few months, I've been making flags for some special sisters of mine.  Some I know better than others, so each set of flags has been my private way of connecting with each person. 

 

my original flags were for One Word or Yearly Intention themed

I marvel at the way story is create through a few squares of fabric; how each piece unfolds in a way that I could never plan or predict, but always seems perfectly fitted for the recipient. 

 

 

My own flags hang both indoors (I've been making new sets for each season) ...

and outside

The outdoor flags carry my written prayers to the universe ...

and my midwest wind quickly does its job ...

 

It's been awhile since I've taken orders for custom flags. I am so enjoying this experience, I am offering to create custom 5 flag banners for sale for a limited time this summer. I'm a working mama, so I cannot guarantee immediate turn around.  If you are interested, shoot me an email: lishofmann(at)novia(dot)net.

Of course, the best thing would be for YOU to pull out your supplies and discover for yourself the depth and magic of this practice!  I'm happy to answer any questions.  I would love see what others create!

May we fill the skies with our prayers ...

simply close the door (thoughts on boundaries + giveaway!)

I was about thirty when I first learned about the concept of personal boundaries.  It was a pretty pivotal moment, I suppose because I didn't have any real boundaries.

As my therapist explained, I was like a house with many doors and windows.  When someone has healthy boundaries, they determine who or what is allowed to enter the house; they control the opening of doors and windows.  In my case, my "house" self had no glass in the windows and the doorknob were on the outside!

The renovation of my house - of me! - is a continual and on-going process.  Just as I installed proper doors and deadbolts with my family of birth, I became a mother.  This new terrain is challenging. I want the best for my girl and I know all-too-well the ease - and the danger -  of projecting my tendencies, my desires, my fears upon her.  She is her own person but balancing the task of guiding, providing, and safe-guarding with an understanding of when it is necessary to let go, allow, release is a tricky thing.  

I share what I love with her, not in the hopes of grafting her life upon mine, but with the intention of her crafting a life lived with passion, curiosity, sense of power and creative possibility.  

we created a water wheel in celebration of Beltane; our wheel was made from chalk, crystals, & stones

we added birdseed, cornmeal, lavender and our prayers and songs to activate the wheel

Sometimes I am not thrilled with her choices: Nintendo DS (I don't even know what the DS stands for), Pokemon cards, Beyblades, Ninjago ( I sense a trend here with pseudo-Japanimation) but as a kid I too binged on some junk entertainment before discovering real nourishment.

THIS thrills me: her enduring passion for dragons (and new love of riddles)

Just as I impose commonsense limits upon sweets (one sweet a-day) while offering healthy options, my hope is she will understand it is in her power to make good choices.  

At her school, they introduced a concept of bucket-filling, and bucket-dipping.  A good friend is someone who fills your bucket through words, gestures, and actions.  A bucket-dipper is someone who is hurtful, rude or disrespectful.  The worst thing you can be, according to Cowgirl, is a bucket-dipper.  But I've tried to point out to her that if someone is dipping in her bucket, she has the right and the responsibility to cover her bucket. 

Or in my case, to simply shut the door.  

There is so much more to learn and share.  I am excited to be able to offer 2 spots in Pixie Campbell's upcoming online offering Boundaries Book Camp with Mountain Lion.  I can think of no better way to define, clarify, understand and strengthen boundaries.  This  two-week intensive with daily prompts, media and interactions is 

 about building stronger communities, relationships and partnerships through the superheroic gesture of protecting ourselves from others’ psychic debris, and protecting others from ours. Clarity of awareness and loving language emphasized.

I will be there, gathering ideas and tools to pass on to my girl-cub ...

tools for our ceremony, including this song

I will be drawing 2 names from comments on this post and on the accompanying facebook thread.  (If neither work for you, please email me lishofmann(at)novia(dot)net and I will enter you into the drawing.)  I will announce the winners next Friday (May 16) so be sure to leave you name before then! Make sure I have a way to contact you.

Boot camp begins May 19.  Get ready to step fully into your power, your voice.

filling my well

We need time out of our everyday, outer-directed lives, and not just at major life transitions, when it is most advisable, but regularly. I think metaphorically of how necessary it is that we have "diastolic" time. For it is during diastole that the heart relaxes and fills. During systole, the heart contracts and sends a powerful stream of lifeblood out. For the heart to work and provide sustenance to the whole body, it must relax and fill.  And so must we.

Jean Shinoda Bolen, Crossing to Avalon

I've been off the grid.  Not only disconnected from phone, laptop, email and all virtual connections but physically removed from the clutter and distractions of modern living.

I went on retreat. The road there included crossing this creek 

symbolizing the sense of both separation (moving over to a new shore) and containment (merging with others, reconnecting with source.)

I left thinking this would be a time to empty, time to slough off what is long past healthy and vibrant and move closer in to my essential being.  Get back to basics and recover what all too often gets buried under piles of busy work. 

I went to paint and learn new ways to dialogue with creative spirit.  

I embarked upon a journey that started on a cold, windy, dark Nebraska morning at 4 AM. Sleepy miles in an airplane delivered me to warm and sunny Arizona.  Miles traveling through desert landscapes with sisters new and yet familiar, welcoming and welcomed into my heart with the ease of a salamander slipping into a stream. (Okay, first piece of magic here: the image of salamander popping into my head as I reflect upon the merging of this sisterhood ... quick look into salamander medicine: "The salamander comes to those who are in need of change in their lives. The salamander evolutionary feat to observe, and as such, it asks us to evolve in our own lives." and "[T]he salamander hold symbolism of psyche, spirituality, emotion, and ease of motion. These attributes are intensified by the salamander's nocturnal nature because night time is symbolic of shadows, secrets, dreams, intuition and psychic abilities too.")

I had little in the way of expectations when I left home.  I was open to receive even though receiving is not my strong suit.  But this place was insistence that each of us receiving her medicine.  And equally strong was the pull - the imperative - for each of us to give of ourselves healing medicine for all, including the land, the spirits, the ancestors.

I am still in the process of integration ... not sure that understanding will ever arrive nor whether it is necessary on an intellectual level.  What knows is my heart, my soul and that language is deeper than words. 

What I can share are the snapshots of my encounters: the song of the water and wind through the cottonwood trees urging me to abide in cooling, soothing water and to offer my gifts into that flow;

 

The marks of mama mountain lion reminding me I share this place with beings powerful, respectful, in harmony with life and asking me to do the same;

 
I practiced shamanic seeing and beheld the whole of earth, the whole of life reflected back to me in a single eye of a beautiful sister. I know each of us carries within the seed of such immensity and potential to feed, sustain, support and create.  I looked but more importantly, I was seen and witnessed by moon, stars, sunlight and the Mother herself who spoke to me and make it very clear it is time stand up, quit hiding, and do the work that has been entrusted to me.  

Under that gaze I felt the immensity and the intimacy of being a creature privileged to call this earth home ...

Beholding the responsibility of that gift and the urgent need for loving, healing action and care to shift the course of things, to bring about change that is needed now more than ever if we hope to pass this world onto our children and their children.

What started as a retreat became a sacred pilgrimage for me ... a journey to reconnect with Nature, with Spirit and with my Self.  The bonus prize was the chance to learn, laugh, play and spend time in the company of so many gifted women, wise and wild,  irreverently joy-filled and soul-fully deeply committed to the work of healing and empowering themselves and those around them. 

Where this all will lead, I don't know nor do I need  to know.  I am simply trusting and following the strongest muscle of my body, the source of all truth and life

Offerings were made, much left behind in the emptying ...

Much gathered in the filling ...

Surrendering into flow and excited to see where the waters will carry me.  I just have to follow the signs ...

To quote one of our fearless leaders:  Giddy up!  Git 'er done!

So I will. So I must. 

We speak. We sing. We swallow water and breathe smoke. By the end of the ceremony, it is as if skin contains land and birds.  The places within us have become filled. As inside the enclosure of the lodge, the animals and ancestors move into the human body, into skin and blood. The land merges with us .... We who easily grow apart from the world are returned to the great store of life all around us, and there is the deepest sense of being at home here in this intimate kinship. There is no real aloneness. There is solitude  and the nurturing silence that is relationship with ourselves, but even then we are part of something larger. 

- Linda Hogan, Dwellings: A Spiritual History of the Living World

Buckets of love and gratitude to these two lovelies who held the space and called in the guides, spirits, scorpions, spiders and other critters.  Big love to and from both of them.  I'm proud to share the bunkhouse with these Cowgirls.

Jen Gray and Pixie Campbell from Visual Quest, Arizona

Solstice blessings ✸

The message I continue to receive, is to steep myself in practice.  To cultivate simple, but daily ritual involving quiet presence, stillness, and attentiveness.  To train my "eyes" to perceive the support, the guidance, and the magic that is all around me.  

So I was excited to follow a daily shamanic journey practice the week leading up to the summer solstice.  While half of that time took place while we were on vacation and staying in hotels, it seemed a real test of my commitment to myself to follow through even though conditions weren't optimal.  Lying on a drafty hotel floor (not thinking about the standards of the house keeping crew) and fumbling with spotty internet connection, I managed to journey every day. 

It was the best gift I could have gifted myself (and in all honesty, I am pretty damned generous when it comes to self gifting!  I mean, I bought my own 25th wedding anniversary present while in New Zealand. Hey, I am practical and magical!) In one journey I was instructed to create a prayer tie in acknowledgement and gratitude of the wisdom shared with me by my guides.  So that is how I celebrated this Solstice: creating the ties with the help of Cowgirl ...

Each day's journey was associated with one of the seven chakra centers, so each of the seven ties had a animal/totem we selected from my stamps, inked in the appropriate color (red, orange, yellow, green, blue, violet and pink) upon a 5 by 5 inch fabric square.
 
Using ceremony I review each journey and the lessons passed onto me, giving thanks and an offering of tobacco, sweet grass and cedar in each bundle before tying the bundle to a length of plain cotton string.

I drew three cards for insight into the coming season.  Two of the cards were the same cards I pulled at the end of my New Zealand trip.  The Lady of the New Buds keeps appearing for me, her message slowly sinking in: care every day for small matters, and the large ones will care for themselves ... work hard at what it is you love. (Lucy Cavendish, Oracle of the Dragonfae)
 

I spent time with Cowgirl talking about the meaning of each chakra, crafting her prayers for ways to connect and receive the lessons of security, expressive/creative flow, strong boundaries and sense of self, open heart, freedom to speak her truth and access to insight, intuition and spirit.  It was humbling to ask my child "what helps you to feel safe and secure?" and have her respond, "You."  As a parent we know that, but it is another thing to feel the weight of that responsibility and privilege.  Another insight to slip into my pocket: to always honor that trust and remember it is my sacred duty - my dharma - to be that rock of stability and support for her even when I don't feel so steady myself.  For her, I am enough and she nurtures that understanding within my own heart.    

Our prayer tie hangs in the tree above the fairy circle.  From my back door I can see it dancing in the wild summer wind.  Each breeze, each rainstorm sending our prayers out into the world; clearing the way for the second half of 2013 and all that I am so ready to receive and share.