Monday, December 12, 2011
all my angels ...
Well, I am embarrassed so many old friends turned up for my pity party post ... but thank you all for the concern, sympathy and virtual tea! I'm not sick often so when I am, I tend to become a tad - ahem - dramatic? Although it doesn't help that today a colleague shared with me a story about a man who ignored a tooth ache because he couldn't afford dental care and the infection went to his brain and killed him! And as misery loves to seek me out, another colleague had a similar sinus infection caused by an infected tooth and had to have it pulled (the tooth, not the sinuses). Unsolicited he shared with me the dirty details about the pain and discomfort of it all.
So, yeah, I am feeling much better on antibiotics AND I have an appointment to see the dentist next week.
While I'm not 100 percent, I am trying to draw upon decades of training that tells me to recognize any experience or sensation is just one of many that flow through the field of my awareness. And that my awareness of sensation, feeling, or thought is constantly shifting and changing. In any given moment a multitude of experiences fills me and I can expand to encompass it all. (I am loving this mini-version of a yoga relaxation practice which has guided me in cultivatiing the above teaching.)
In other words: I can feel tired, cranky, achy AND be energized, enthused and contented. If I allow myself that space, but of course I am pretty good at wedging myself into tight corners and believing I have to stay put.
That is when my angels come to bail me out.
I used to be perpetually waiting for a sign of angels presence in my life. I would listen over and over to the songs Calling All Angels by Jane Siberry and U2's If God Would Send His Angels" acknowledging "I sure could use them here right now."
Much like the old joke about a man pleading for god's help as he stands trapped on a roof top with flood waters threatening to drown him, I believed the benevolence of the Universe would appear to me in a mystical manner. I always tend towards the more complicated and intricate in everything.
Then one day I was sitting in a circle of 50 people listening as each shared their story - their fears and triumphs - after an intensive first week in a month-long yoga teacher training. In that moment of witnessing their honesty and vulnerability, I realized that circle of people were my angels for they inspired me to believe I could be equally as present for all of my imperfections and aspirations.
The signs are everywhere if we choose to see them. The tricky part is to believe we are worthy of the seeing. That is where I get hung up. I believe angels are everywhere but that I am somehow undeserving of their presence.
Or so I used to believe. Of course it is hard to experience the blessings of angels when one has trouble with receiving in general but I am getting better with practice. Today I received my Giveaway gift from a SouLodge sister:
We each shared a piece of magic or medicine with another in the lodge as a practice of releasing and receiving; ultimately connecting with the sense of abundance that is always present in our lives when we are able to open to it and allow it to flow.
What could be more fitting than this piece of medicine for a weary joy warrior:
This is what I am coming to believe: that whenever we listen to our hearts and act upon that guidance, we are following the guidance of our angels. Each time I give from my heart, I am acting on behalf of my angel and when I receive your gifts - your words, smiles, hugs real and virtual - I am receiving the blessings of angels.
As the days grow darker and we near the Solstice, I am thinking about the Me I want to step into as we transit into the period of increasing light. I am ready to shed doubt about the worthiness of my offerings and any question about my right to receive. This doubt has been such a heavy burden and as I've said before, my tendency is to believe releasing it will be a complicated process.
Ah, but then another of my angels passed onto me this piece of medicine about releasing:
It can be that easy. Just lift tail and drop that crap!
Seasons come and go, I change and yet I don't change. My intention for myself - much like these prayer ties covered in frost - hangs in there. It's not so much about wanting to change myself; rather I want to know myself as being vast enough to hold all the contradictory aspects of my being. And then be okay with that.
Yes, today an angel whispered in my ear and she said the one word that could shake me back into myself: Joy.
Hands together in humble gratitude for all of my angels. And yes, I'm talking to each and every one of you.
If you haven't heard about it already, Pixie Campbell is hosting the Mother of All Releasing Ceremonies for the upcoming Solstice. Details to construct your own releasing bundle are here. Do add your flame to the light.