examining the clues

I've been listening to and loving Jen Lee's 4 cd set entitled The Iconic Self. It's been on constant play in my car and in my mind.

The series of conversations and stories between Jen and Phyllis Mathis, a licensed counselor, are about uncovering all the parts of oneself and - in their words - inviting ourselves back into our lives, into our own self. Claiming and experiencing a truer expression of who it is we were born to be.

The talks have generated lots of excavation work into my past as I look for patterns and trends in my understanding of myself and in my behavior and actions. I am gathering pieces of a puzzle and one section just became clearer.

I realize I have had a long-lived fascination with a certain kind of character in books and films - the sleuth or investigator. As a child I loved the book Harriet The Spy. I wanted to be like Harriet and so I got myself a composition notebook and carried it around with me everywhere. What Harriet did was collect her observations in her notebook but I felt there was little of interest or value to put into my notebook.

As a preteen I devoured volume upon volume of Agatha Christie novels. I also loved the Sherlock Holmes mysteries and carried a tattered penguin edition copy of the complete stories with me as I traveled throughout Europe my junior year in college.

I've never thought about why I have been drawn to such stories and characters. But I am now recognizing a quality inherent in the super sleuth that captures a piece of who I am: the ability to look carefully, gather clues and through the power of the intellect understand and solve the mystery. The power to know.

But what is the great mystery in my own life? I am thinking the riddle I am trying to figure out is myself. By identifying with the super sleuth, I believe I can uncover the truth of who I am and what it is I am meant to do with my life. That with enough clues, the answer will be revealed.

As much as I would like to believe otherwise, I have lived most of my life in my head. If thinking and feeling are opposite ends of a spectrum, my teeter toter is clearly tipped towards thinking. But always there has been this sense that I actually know, but I don't know. When prompted to "ask what is your heart's greatest desire" and told "the first thing that comes to mind is the correct answer" well, I draw a blank. Because the response isn't to originate from my brain; it is to come from my heart and clearly that line of communicate has been fuzzy most of my life. It's getting clearer with practice but there is still some static.

Yesterday I listened to a beautiful talk by a yoga teacher about the Bhagavad Gita and how the warrior character of Arjuna expresses the experience we all face in our lives when it comes to living out our life's purpose or dharma as it is called in yogic philosophy. Our dharma is to manifest who it is we truly are and who we can become in this lifetime. She went on to explain " Whatever it is you do that upholds some kind of balance and harmony in your life and in your world, that is your dharma." And here's the kicker: when you turn away from fulfilling that duty, you create a rift not only within yourself, but within the well-being of those around you which ripples out into the whole world.

This is the central riddle of my life and the core of my angst: how do I discover my dharma? What exactly am I to do with this one "wild and precious" life of mine?








Just to be clear about the significance of this inquiry, it is important to keep in mind the setting for the Bhagavad Gita is a battlefield and the warrior Arjuna is being asked to fight in The Fight that will determine the outcome of an entire kingdom. What is interesting is his helper, his charioteer and the one who counsels him, is none other than Lord Krishna, that great cosmic flirt and lover of life.

The lesson here is that to live an authentic life, to follow our dharma - to fulfill our potential - isn't going to be easy. In fact, there will be much doubt, overwhelm and despair which Arjuna expresses again and again to Krishna. "I can't do this" and "I don't want to do this." And yet what guides and inspires us to continue on, to go into battle if necessary, is the force of Love. It is the call to be passionately engaged in my own life; to have an intense love affair with living and to experience that level of commitment and engagement which propels me forward.

Uncovering the mystery of my dharma has become my personal koan for I know, but I don't know. After the talk on the Gita, there was an asana practice. The first pose, child's pose, had me folded over my knees, forehead to the ground in a posture of supplication. In this posture the head - th emind - is placed below the heart. Then we were told to stretch out our arms and turn our palms to face up. With hands ready to receive we were invited to inquiry within: What is my dharma? And of course we were told "the first thing that comes to mind is the correct answer."

The challenge is to receive that answer; to trust the source of knowing will not come from my head, but from deeper place of knowing - from my heart and my gut. And then to take action understanding the outcome is not the issue. What matters is standing up in one's life and being fully present for it and in it. The warrior's duty is to fulfill that mission knowing it will be hard, it will be challenging, it will be at times a great battle but if we take that challenge on, we will have Love always fighting by our side.