Monday, October 21, 2013

what i want (what i offer ...)

Oh my ... I believe we are in full Autumn swoon over here.  

With the temperatures dipping into frosty numbers at night, the leaves have deepened into a rich palette of garnet, amber, and golden.   Mornings are hot cocoa events and the knitting needles have been pulled out and are clickety clacketing me into a meditative space. Even Cowgirl has found herself a relaxing pass time with this home made Lil' Loom for Rainbow fishtail jewelry (thank you Maya D for the heads up!) 

This past weekend we sat at the kitchen island puttering: me working on yet more mandalas ... 

(my life interpreted through the mandala circle is quickly becoming an obsession) 

and Cowgirl working a necklace. Taking advantage of this still time, I put on an audio file of a folk story Ivashko Medvedko performed by Tom Hirons and Rima Staines (found on her wildly inspiring blog, Into The Hermitage) We both were transfixed listening to this Russian folk tale that involves the wild and memorable  Baba Yaga  (look at this new collection of Baba Yaga stories!) 

There is something so grounding about an afternoon spent deeply immersed with imagination.  Even though we each were lost in our own internal visions of the story, there was a closeness and intimacy as we step out of time and into the timeless.

This was the kind of day I aspire to nurture more regularly for myself and my family.  The qualities I seek to weave into my world and what I find myself craving:  intimacy, connection, engagement, curiosity, and celebration. Thinking about this day ("It was a day from a book, steeped in its own warm juice, heavy with smells of growing ..." a favorite line from an Alastair Reid poem) I find myself recommitting to the reasons for this grand experiment that is my current life.  To be more present.  To be of service.  To live with purpose which for me, means expanding the sense of what is possible.

If I were to boil down all that I wish to offer - which is to say, all that I wish to experience in my own life - I come up with this:  radiance.   I want to know the feeling of being lit up from within and shining brightly my truth, my essence.  I have felt the sparks of this radiance which is the energy of being fully alive with every cell turned on and vibrating, glowing with warmth, with brilliance and with love.  I know this is my truth and I know it is the potential of all to wake up and be this fully plugged in, charged and powerful. This is not something another can give to me, create within me or sustain for me.  I alone must find my way to my inner source, my inner light, my inner sun.  Just as I connect with the cooling, intuitive energies of the moon, I must activate, feed and nourish all aspects of my being. 

And I want company!  Because I have journey long into the darkness, because I have been at the edge where I was ready to release my final finger hold and embrace nothingness, and because I know weariness and greyness and hopelessness, I know the impossible miracle of igniting one's inner radiance is absolutely possible.  It is a thrilling proposition.  It is the challenge that has as its prize my very life.  To discover I can nurture and care for myself and through my actions show up as a beacon of love and light for the ones who matter most to me and in turn, watch them discover their own inner flame of goodness,  brilliance and beauty ... that is a magnificent  Wow.  A soul-stirring Wow.

I am always beginning anew.  Each day I visualize wiping clean the mental and energetic debris that all-too-quickly accumulates in my mind and my heart. Each season has its own flavor and Autumn is my time of harvesting, pruning, composting and preparing myself for the long nights ahead.  It is my favorite time and my most challenging.  So I cycle back around to the practices that I know work for me.  I snuggle back in with some important self care, with time for reflection and grounding and smoothing out the rough edges in my life.  If you are wanting some support in stoking your internal fire, tuning in to your inner radiance, I would love to circle around the fire with you and enjoy a virtual retreat.  

Shameless self-promotion, but there you are.  I am proud of this work ... I know it is vital and important and I offer to others knowing that we each must tend our own fires.  And it is lovely being by the fire together.

Inspired anew by this Tedx talk by one of my mentors, Maya Corinne.  I am a plate spinner, gathering queen and what I hold in my basket I offer to you with sincere intentions that it empower you. 


  1. breathing in the beauty of this post. radiance.... yes, yes, yes. much love to you fellow traveler! xx

  2. you are goodness, my dear.
    enjoying the fire by your side...

  3. I am in Chicago closing down my grandmother's home...she just died and it was only a few months ago that I closed down her house and moved her to this easier to care for apartment. I've had wild swings of mood and am sore from all of the bending and twisting I do to please everyone and make sure everyone is happy with my decisions --- and some are not. I have promised myself that when I get home I will try to live in a more present way...a whole way. I'm a very unhappy person in so many ways, but I do have hope. I do appreciate the beauty and truth in posts like yours. I feel inspired by your words. I leave tomorrow and hope to keep your words in mind as I walk through the doors of my own space, knowing that my grandmother's is shut down for good. Ours was a complicated relationship and the timing of her death seems perfect....a release of some sort and permission to start being me.