back on task ...

I'm not ready to say goodbye to summer but I am happy to welcome the energy surge that is  back to school ...

More so than New Year's Day, the start of a new school year feels ripe for fresh beginnings.  Or in my case, reviving ideas or projects that somehow got lost in the shuffle of vacation, pool time, garden and patio time.  One thing I've learned about myself: if I want to tackle something the very best way to do that is to distract myself with another project.  

I discovered this pattern just in the past year. Last fall I wanted to commit to a sketch a-day practice and ended up completing 3 photo books (condensing 2 years worth of photos languishing on my hard drive into 2 Shutterfly albums.  procrastination pays off in this area b'c if you wait long enough, you can make use of the periodic coupon offers!) In the winter, I attempted a daily practice utilizing mantra and visualization and I ended up sketching every day.  This summer I was intending to immerse myself in a writing project.  I even signed up for a course to keep me motivated and on track.  

she changes daily it seems ...

Instead, I've been painting.  Oh, and jogging more or less every other day.

But it is back to school here and that means both the Husband and Cowgirl are out of the house and I have no excuse for not resurrecting these languishing seedlings of mine.  Just a little care and attention and some ironing ...

Yesterday the Husband came home and asked me about my day.  He was genuinely interested in what I do.  Um ... yes ... how do I do this?  How do I explain the structures that must be in place so that I can tackle what will probably be the biggest project yet, one that will require sustained energy and attention over a long period of time? (self awareness flash: I am a creative sprinter.  While I have several year long projects/practices under my belt, my tendency is to work really hard and intensively in seasonal cycles.  Interesting to realize my undergrad schooling was at an institute utilizing the Block Plan - one course at a time - never mind that was yikes! thirty years ago, it's how I flow ... or rage ...)

I will mind map, I might make a vision board, but what I've latched onto (and yes, it could be avoidance or divine inspiration) is making a new set of prayer flags for the living room.

Not just any prayers ... translating into fabric collage and rubber stamp images (phase 2 for tomorrow) the core values and intentions that I see as supporting and inspiring me in my yet-to-be-revealed Big Project. 

Actually, it was very therapeutic to spend the day crafting these pieces, sitting with and sowing while sewing (sorry, I couldn't resist) the themes and the ideas that I believe will guide me in the long haul ahead. (and yes, I must credit the above mentioned course - which I am slowly winding my way through -  as it was the inspiration for this project.) 

How was my day honey?  Wonderful!  I am half way through outlining a major project. No, that's not a baby blanket ... that's a piece of a dream!

Spoiler alert: It WILL involve a dragon, for sure! 

Meanwhile, I sustain myself by sketching ... every day ... loving what is manifesting for my fellow campers and intending to offer this and this again soon.

When creative is spiritual & spiritual is creative

A rare treat last week was a super indulgent and nourishing chat (via Skype) with a fellow creative sister, mentor, and friend. With all of the forms of social networking, it is amazing how rare true conversation and connection can be.  So when it does happen (a magic alchemy of time + presence + passion) I like to luxuriate in its afterglow.

One topic that came up and which has been dipping in and out of my conscious is how spiritual practice and creative practice are one and the same for me.  As is often the case with the deepest truths, this one bubbled up without me realizing how truly foundational and essential it is to who I am and what I do.  What is so valuable about a conversation - a real exchange versus the monologues I am so good at (yes, even when I jog, I have a running commentary going in my head!) - is having a wise and perceptive friend say "Wait a minute ... back up ... can you explain what you mean by that?"

Yes, well ... ahem ... let me see ...

So I've been thinking about this central fact of my being: that my creative practice and my spiritual practice are really one and the same.  I believe I said something about them feeling the same; that in both instances I am connecting with Source and dropping into Flow. What this means to me is remembering myself Whole through practices that take me outside of my limited thinking/known self and lead me into encounters with an experience of Self that is richer and larger than what I could have imagined.  In both cases, I am seeking to strengthen Trust and Faith. In art is it about trusting I will be guided forward as long as I am showing up full present, attentive, and willing to listen to the guidance of intuition/heart/source.  Necessary is faith that such guidance will turn up!

all these paintings are works - or rather, conversations - in progress

This is true in spiritual practice: I am learning to listen and trust what comes up for me is in service of my highest good.  Both practice are about cultivate deep presence and attentiveness. Mindfulness is the foundation - and the intention - in both practices.

Creative & spiritual action are also about gratitude, celebration, and love.  In spiritual practice, I may make prayers, offerings, create sacred spaces to remind myself of that which guides and supports me. My art is another expression of gratitude and thanks.  

In both practices, I seek understanding and insight into my life, how I am to proceed on this path and what is my work -  my vital and individual contribution -  to this world.  In spiritual practice I am given insight through journey work, dreams, and through sharing my experiences with others in a variety of circle gatherings.  I share with the hope of providing insight or support for another; what often happens - which is the real gift - is in doing so, others feel safe or inspired to share their stories and in turn I am enlightened and informed.  

When I create, I often do so without any preconceived idea of what it is I am making.  I may have an initial impulse or desire - to paint my dog, to put down a piece of a dream, a story - but then I  attempt to surrender to a partnership with Source or creative inspiration. I say attempt because it isn't easy to override a lifelong impulse to control; but when it does happen - slipping into Flow is how it feels to me - I am shown things I never knew before.  Understanding or vision is expanded, new connected made, and I learn and grow through the exchange.  

Both are journeys. As I understand it, there is really only One Journey, just different strides, different modes of traveling down the path. Showing up and saying Yes, that is all that is required. How we each express and reflect that cosmic Yes is unique and highly personal and thank goodness for it being so!  

I Am So Glad

Start seeing everything as God,
But keep it a secret.

Become like a man who is Awestruck
And Nourished

Listening to a Golden Nightingale
Sing in a beautiful foreign language
While God invisibly nests
Upon its tongue.

Hafiz,
Who can you tell in this world
That when a dog runs up to you
Wagging its ecstatic tail,
You lean down and whisper in its ear,

“Beloved,
I am so glad You are happy to see me.

Beloved,
I am so glad,
So very glad You have come.

-Hafiz (from I Heart God Laughing, translations by Daniel Ladinsky)

Start seeing everything as God,
But keep it a secret.
Become like a man who is Awestruck
And Nourished
Listening to a Golden Nightingale
Sing in a beautiful foreign language
While God invisibly nests
Upon its tongue.
Hafiz,
Who can you tell in this world
That when a dog runs up to you
Wagging its ecstatic tail,
You lean down and whisper in its ear,
“Beloved,
I am so glad You are happy to see me.
Beloved,
I am so glad,
So very glad You have come.”
- See more at: http://heartsteps.org/2014/i-am-so-glad/#sthash.xRIBsAG8.dpuf

Start seeing everything as God,
But keep it a secret.

Become like a man who is Awestruck
And Nourished

Listening to a Golden Nightingale
Sing in a beautiful foreign language
While God invisibly nests
Upon its tongue.

Hafiz,
Who can you tell in this world
That when a dog runs up to you
Wagging its ecstatic tail,
You lean down and whisper in its ear,

“Beloved,
I am so glad You are happy to see me.

Beloved,
I am so glad,
So very glad You have come.”

- See more at: http://heartsteps.org/2014/i-am-so-glad/#sthash.xRIBsAG8.dpuf

Start seeing everything as God,
But keep it a secret.

Become like a man who is Awestruck
And Nourished

Listening to a Golden Nightingale
Sing in a beautiful foreign language
While God invisibly nests
Upon its tongue.

Hafiz,
Who can you tell in this world
That when a dog runs up to you
Wagging its ecstatic tail,
You lean down and whisper in its ear,

“Beloved,
I am so glad You are happy to see me.

Beloved,
I am so glad,
So very glad You have come.”

- See more at: http://heartsteps.org/2014/i-am-so-glad/#sthash.xRIBsAG8.dpuf 

finally, friday (final days of summer break)

I can dwell upon the moments when I chose to stay small, buckled to fear and allowed doubt to keep me safe, but frozen and immobile. Placing my attention there is to live in regret, using those memories as armor against any future risks.

Instead, I  choose to remember all the times I acknowledged fear but acted anyway ...  aligning with a truth discernible only by my heart but generating an imperative that propelled me forward through the expected uncertainties, doubts and confusion.  When I consider that laundry list - the times I chose brave, chose Big, chose YES ...

I connect with a vast reservoir of energy within me and I know I am unstoppable.  Guess what?  The same is true for you!  Look around ... what do you choose to see? Believe?
 

Align with what fills you up, excites, inspires, frightens yet thrills you.  

It should feel good.  Dangerous, but good. Alive, juicy, expansive, plugged in, engaged ... create your own list - not what do I want to do, but how do I want to feel? 

now go and live it.

the care of seeds

Sometimes a little perspective is needed ...

Three months ago when it seemed Spring was more a hope than a reality, we planted all kinds of seeds ...

anticipating (or summoning?) sunny days, warm breezes and gentle rain (and there was rain, but not always gentle!)

eager and impatient for our efforts to ripen and finally, that day has come!

In the scheme of things, three months isn't all that long a time but when it comes to tomatoes  - having suffered through the water-bloated fruit that is the only resort for folk in winter-wrapped locales - three months borders on an eternity.  But finally, we have tomatoes - our tomatoes!

Gardens are a favorite - and instructive -  symbol for me.  I think about my life as a garden: the variety of beds I tend, the cycles of seasons, the importance of crop rotation.  I've been tending to some overdue and serious weeding: understanding the role of my weeds (the obstacles, the deeply rooted beliefs, mindset, and attitudes) and taking care to dig them out without damaging newly planted seedlings.  

Nothing new here - just reaffirming my role in the care of my dreams, the tending to these heirloom seeds.  I cannot control how they grow or even if they will sprout and take root.  I cannot dictate the size or the fruit or the quantity of the harvest.  Other elements are at play.  Which is to say: I am not doing this (my life, my creative work, my relationships) on my own and the notion of control is not only a fallacy, but the path to ruin.  

I have been mindful of this partnership with Source, Spirit, the Divine ... whatever you want to call It.  I have always trusted it, I just haven't trusted myself so much.  What I am learning - or re-learning as I seem to repeat my aha moments! - is the beauty and power of showing up.  Showing up for my practice - whatever that may be or look like in the moment - which is really to say, I am showing up for my life as it is and as I am in this day. There is an expression: tether your camel, then trust in Allah. The meaning being: I am the one with hands to make manifest the magic of Source.  I must do my work, but then surrender to the outcome (which I cannot control anyway!), surrender to what does happen and be open to discover the unexpected gifts, lessons and/or insights.

I am aware of a beautiful inner garden where I go to refresh and restore myself.  It had been a place I retreat to, a place separate from my everyday world.  I have become aware that I nurture that garden every time I attend to the details of my day with a sense of curiosity, reverence, and gratitude.  In fact, I am in that space - in my inner garden - whenever approach my life as sacred and a gift to appreciate, value, and enjoy.  This moment is sacred.  As a dear friend/mentor says "You are sacred space and I am sacred space. And from that space, let us begin."  

The trick is to show up.  No matter how tired, frustrated, depleted or drained I am, I know that magic can only happen when I add my spark to the kindling.  I've been witnessing the truth of this with my Sketch Diary Campers.  Several bravely admitted how hard and frustrating the practice can be, yet they have stuck with it.  They water their creative garden and are trusting what will take seed and sprout will be right, will be what they need.  Already things are shifting.  Already they are seeing transformation in their art but more importantly, within themselves!  This is like miracle-grow of the very best kind for it inspires me to stick with what I know to be true: I have to do the work, put it and myself out there as a gesture of feeding creativity, spirit, magic - whatever it is I am in partnership with. Tether my camel, do my bit.  Then trust. And receive.

Another way to view this: I have never seen a hummingbird in Nebraska until I put my feeder out.  Then, just like magic: she showed up!

What or who are you partnering with on this day?  How are you nurturing that relationship?  What seeds are you tending and how are you honoring their growth?

favorite things ...

Last night I was working on post for today ... lots of words ... me chewing over some stringy thoughts ...

Today I am done with thinking ... my reality is just two weeks left of summer vacation and there is only so much time left.  Do I want to be all ponderous and heavy?  Nay ... or should I say "brayyyy"?

Besides whiskers on kittens and wild geese that fly with the moon on their wings, I would add the following to my list of favorite things:

Squeezing in all that I can ... squeezing as hard as I can ... and loving every delicious drop ... it is all delightful and nourishing.

(this is me keeping honest with my Sketch Diary campers ... owning the practice ... responsible to my passion & desire)

the a-ha moments keep coming (summer camp reflections)

It's hard to believe but this was the fifth year of Chinese Heritage camp for Cowgirl and myself.

My, how things have changed! 

And yet some things, sweetly, appear to be eternal.

Every summer we make the 500+ mile drive to Colorado for Cowgirl to spend time with old and new friends.  Camp is not only about crafts and field day and songs and goofing with your friends (although that all is a big part of the fun) 

It is also about exploring Chinese heritage and culture ...

Camp is also a place where we explore what it means to be a family brought together through adoption. While we attend camp for our kids, I know for myself it is a place where I can share freely with other parents the gifts and challenges I experience raising my girl. It is also a place where I find and pass on valuable resources and perspectives.  (I've shared in past years the role camp plays for both of us in cultivating a sense of belonging.)

I shouldn't be surprised, but I always am by the a-ha moments that arise, especially in ripe and emotionally rich situations like camp. It is a time when I see my girl through the eyes of other families who understand. 

While I strive to share here the experiences of my life that help me learn and grow, the details of my girl's story are hers to explore, define and share should she choose to do so.  Trickier is knowing when my story - or rather, my wounds, my triggers -  have become entangled with hers. The a-ha moment (or duh! as I have come to think of such realizations) came to me in an adult workshop entitled Will the REAL Mom Please Stand Up?  

Presented by a family communication scholar/educator Beth Suter Trautman, who is also a camp parent, this workshop considered the deeply rooted assumption that authentic motherhood is typically viewed as stemming from a particular set of biological processes which are believed to induce an irreplaceable, biologically-based mother-child bond. U.S. culture continues to remind us: real mother = biological mother. (Beth Suter)

One important tool I've gained through camp and presenters like Beth is to make obvious the assumptions. While The Husband and I were waiting for Cowgirl, many people gleefully would say "Now that you are adopting, you will get pregnant." While the intention was harmless the underlying assumption is anything but.  I finally pointed out to a friend why that comment was so hurtful: it implied that what we really wanted was to get pregnant -  to have our own child (another injurious assumption; as if our adoptive daughter would be something other than our own) - and that adoption was our second and less desired, alternative.  The reality was we felt in our hearts, and then actively chose, adoption as the means to build our family.  

A particularly painful experience happened shortly after we had come home with Cowgirl. A woman came over to my home to show me some educational materials and she brought her young daughter. Cowgirl was napping when they arrived but woke up during the visit.  She saw the two strangers in her space, the girl playing with her toys, and Cowgirl reacted with an epic meltdown.  As I tried to calm her down, the woman remarked that having breastfed her child meant she was better able to soothe and comfort her child. What went unstated - but implied - was my deficiency and lack.  If didn't give birth to my child, I couldn't be a full or authentic mother.

While I have been aware of reassuring my girl that I will always be here for her - that my bond and commitment to her is and always will be solid and eternal -  I have failed to fully acknowledge my own anxieties.  The a-ha for me was to realize that my wounds require tending to -  or at the very least -  must be recognized in order for me to parent my girl from a place of love and strength. Otherwise, I will forever and always be tripping across my own shadows and triggers.

I belong heart and soul to my girl.  But the fear that lies hidden way way way deep within is that I am replaceable; that I am somehow deficient, not a real mother.  The threats to my "realness" come not only from the assumptions of a culturally idealized monomaternal motherhood form  (the assumption we can have only one true mother - Beth Suter) but from the deeply embedded roots this ideology has woven within my own consciousness.  My girl is on her journey of identity involving a complex and emotionally charged set of ideas to understand, reframe and claim, but I am also on a journey of my own. 

One exercise we did in another workshop (Taming Your Triggers) was a two minute silent meditation.  The point of the exercise was to become aware of how easily we give in to reflexively reacting rather than witnessing what we are feeling/experiencing and holding all that in spacious and nonreactive awareness.  It was also a chance to sit and become aware of all that was bubbling underneath the level of consciousness. For me, I was aware of immense fatigue (from a long drive), sadness over my own short fuse that morning (rushing to get to camp), and the harsh criticism I leveled at myself. 

The a-ha for me was recognizing that while I often consider the underlying factors at play in Cowgirl's reactions (she is hangry - hungry angry - or tired or stretched thin emotionally or confused, overwhelmed etc.) I rarely give such consideration to myself.  My eruptions (yes, I know all parents have them) are seldom due to the circumstances that provoked them - Cowgirl dawdling when we need to get going - but fueled by the toxic pool of unexpressed, unacknowledged  or uncared for feelings, fears, and misguided beliefs that have been simmering within me for days/weeks/decades. These weeds, as my friend and mentor Nissa would point out, leech vital nutrients from the soil of my being, depleting me and my ability to nurture my child and myself. 

Every year at camp I take in the beauty and power of my girl finding herself in her community, blooming and thriving under the love and care of this village of virtual sisters, brothers, cousins, aunts and uncles.  

For both of us, our journeys represent a widening of this circle of belonging: acknowledging and fostering polymaternalism (the reality that my child is connected to and has two mothers) which is an essential piece in the larger picture of connection and identity. For both of us it will require weeding out limiting notions and beliefs about who we are, who we can be and how we will co-create family, community and connection.  As I tend to the small plot that is my garden - myself - I  hope and trust that by clearing my weeds, sunlight will fall more evenly upon the patch of soil that is my girl's so that she can see clearly where the blooms and where the weeds lie. 

May the a-ha's and the bright moments keep coming!

summer love (finally, finday)

Reminder: Summer is well underway, so what are you waiting for?

Step into the day, feel it ... get to know it ...

receive every golden drop.

Excuse the commercial interruption: just 4 days until Sketch Diary Explorations begins.  You can still sign up HERE.  Sun tea and sketching plein air, what could be better?