The stories in my head

A painfully appropriate Wishcasting prompt for this week is shining a floodlight into the rat's maze that is my mind these days. Today's question asks: What story do you wish to live or let go of?

This one is too easy. I want to let go of the story that gets cued every time I find myself part of a group. This happens over and over again: I find myself orbiting around a group of similarly minded women (and it always is women), joining in if not bringing the group together in the first place. I get involved, I get excited, I open up those tender places inside me and then ever-so-gradually, like arsenic entering into my system a drop a day, I begin to feel discounted, unrecognized, tossed aside and forgotten, a childhood teddy bear sitting alone and no longer needed.

As a child I always felt like an outsider, rushing towards a group of kids, desperately wanting to be invited to play. As a teenager I never believed all the pieces of me could be revealed to others. I learned early on I do better in small groups or gatherings where I can have more intimate contact with others. I learned the hard way not to open up too fast; that a degree of desperation was conveyed by pushing things too fast, too soon. I was greedy for a deep friendship and willing to toss myself to anyone who would engage with me. I've work with all of this "stuff", recognizing I seek out others who represent what I wish to embrace within myself. I've turned inward and sought to befriend myself first, acknowledging and loving all my random bits and eccentricities that make up me.

Still, there is obviously more work to be done. I recently found myself feeling, once again, overlooked and forgotten. What I am learning is that these feelings, these triggers are a sign for me to dig in a little deeper and to spend time nurturing my wounded inner child. I need to honor her story, her pain and I need to help her rewrite the ending to this story. Because I know the only one who does not love or appreciate me enough is myself.

I want to let go of this fractured fairy tale of an unloveable maiden, fearing rejection, cloaked in the mask of an outsider and hiding her true identity from the world. I see her tossing off her courtly garments that represent a plea for acceptance and donning instead the knight's armor as she heads out of cloistered spaces to seek adventure. Her trust in her talents and gifts emboldened her to direct her steed to where ever her heart desires. She can be a friend to all because her best friend is a secure heart.

(I'm not sure why I chose to open with a picture of my kitties, except they remind me of the world of friends I created as a child and they convey to me the sense of being cherished and loved. Aren't they adorable? Susie and Tom Kitty, say "Meow!")