Wednesday, February 3, 2010

The stories in my head




A painfully appropriate Wishcasting prompt for this week is shining a floodlight into the rat's maze that is my mind these days. Today's question asks: What story do you wish to live or let go of?

This one is too easy. I want to let go of the story that gets cued every time I find myself part of a group. This happens over and over again: I find myself orbiting around a group of similarly minded women (and it always is women), joining in if not bringing the group together in the first place. I get involved, I get excited, I open up those tender places inside me and then ever-so-gradually, like arsenic entering into my system a drop a day, I begin to feel discounted, unrecognized, tossed aside and forgotten, a childhood teddy bear sitting alone and no longer needed.

As a child I always felt like an outsider, rushing towards a group of kids, desperately wanting to be invited to play. As a teenager I never believed all the pieces of me could be revealed to others. I learned early on I do better in small groups or gatherings where I can have more intimate contact with others. I learned the hard way not to open up too fast; that a degree of desperation was conveyed by pushing things too fast, too soon. I was greedy for a deep friendship and willing to toss myself to anyone who would engage with me. I've work with all of this "stuff", recognizing I seek out others who represent what I wish to embrace within myself. I've turned inward and sought to befriend myself first, acknowledging and loving all my random bits and eccentricities that make up me.

Still, there is obviously more work to be done. I recently found myself feeling, once again, overlooked and forgotten. What I am learning is that these feelings, these triggers are a sign for me to dig in a little deeper and to spend time nurturing my wounded inner child. I need to honor her story, her pain and I need to help her rewrite the ending to this story. Because I know the only one who does not love or appreciate me enough is myself.

I want to let go of this fractured fairy tale of an unloveable maiden, fearing rejection, cloaked in the mask of an outsider and hiding her true identity from the world. I see her tossing off her courtly garments that represent a plea for acceptance and donning instead the knight's armor as she heads out of cloistered spaces to seek adventure. Her trust in her talents and gifts emboldened her to direct her steed to where ever her heart desires. She can be a friend to all because her best friend is a secure heart.

(I'm not sure why I chose to open with a picture of my kitties, except they remind me of the world of friends I created as a child and they convey to me the sense of being cherished and loved. Aren't they adorable? Susie and Tom Kitty, say "Meow!")


14 comments:

  1. As Lis wishes for herself, so I wish for her also.
    Cute animals, they are from Steiff, aren't they?

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  2. As Lis wishes for herself, so I wish for her also. Your story sounds so much like mine, keep seeking to care for yourself and you will draw in those who truly care.

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  3. As Lis wishes for herself, so I wish for her also. I love the pictures of the kitties. They instantly made me feel safe. I too find that large groups are not where I feel the most confident. We all need to trust in our gifts and our talents. Thank you for reminding me.

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  4. this was definitely an emotional question this week.

    as lis wishes for herself, so i wish for her also.

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  5. Our stories are similar. Your wish for yourself, I wish for us all!
    Peace, Love & Light
    Lissa

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  6. As Lis wishes for herself, so I wish for her also. Let that maiden warrior ride on her steed, following the direction and power of her heart.

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  7. Lis,
    You have such great insight on what you you do, want and how to change your story! I can't wait to read further entries as you change your story. Let me know if you find secrets to changing your story.

    As Lis wishes for herself, so I wish for her also.

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  8. As Lis wishes for herself, so I wish for her also.

    May you find your knight's armor and a fitting adventure!

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  9. 你的文章讓我有種特別的感覺,請加油哦~~........................................

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  10. As Lis wishes for herself, so I wish for her also. May you be able to write yourself a new fairytale full of love and acceptance for all that you are.

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  11. Your story is familiar to me too...it hurts so much to feel like an outsider. I've learned to accept what friends can give with gratitude, even if it's not enough. But you sound very wise and your self knowledge will help you overcome this problem. Nurturing that hurt child is so important. As Lis wishes for herself, I wish for her also.

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  12. As so very often your words express my feelings also, I found myself nodding with every paragraph. I still often feel the outsider, even though I know I have developed some great relationships, and like you I can trace this back to my childhood and adolescence. I too have learned that I must love myself first and that sometimes this needs to be enough and that I need to give that inner child me a new lease of life instead of only looking at her loneliness. Thank you for being you :)

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  13. Hello Lis, I am Angie, just passing by from HybridJ's recent post, and read your warm heartfelt post and wanted to respond, I had this great urge.
    Wanted to say you are not alone in feeling these things. I felt you were telling my story, friendships, great friends are difficult to find and keep. I like the way you have gone internally to find you inner child befriending her. I remember after some bad relationships where I felt so alone I did a little ceremony and bought myself a friendship ring and promised myself that I would always be my own best friend, just like the one I was always looking for. It's just a reminder of what is important to me. Nice to have found your blog :)

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  14. Hey Lis, great post. It amazes me, that for all that everything is so different, we are all so much alike. All the wishcasting posts I have read seem to reflect a part of me. Your's too.

    As Lis wishes for herself, so do I wish for her too.

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