celebrations

Today my girl turned eleven.

Eleven?!  How did this happen?!

I got up early this morning so I could steam dumplings for her breakfast. Yeah, I know. This is how I roll. The Husband groans at my celebrating antics.  He is the eldest of four, his mother having all her babies before she was thirty. Birthdays are not a big deal for him whereas I, on the other hand, was like an only child my brother being 9 years older than me. The Husband says my mother spoiled me and I used to get defensive about it, but now I say if showering someone with love and attention is to spoil, then spoil away!

So while Cowgirl is at school, I've been hiding her birthday presents around the house. She requested a scavenger hunt for her gifts and as I am still working on completing one, I am grateful for the extra few hours. Later in the day, I went to write up the clues when I drew a complete blank on where I hid her big gift! I mean for a good five minutes I could not remember where I stashed the-one-gift-she-really-really-really wanted!

It was both hilarious and horrible. A menopausal mommy moment of utter terror and angst.

So I walked around the house, retracing my mental dialogue (yes, I could remember the spots I chose not to use ... inside the grandfather clock ... in a desk drawer ...) until finally I stumbled upon it!

I got to take a break to go buy her a sub sandwich for lunch and then bring it to her at school. I love sitting with her classmates in the lunchroom and seeing her in her element. She sits with the boys and one new friend peppered me with questions. "Are you both from China?" I explained I was born in New Jersey and isn't that equally exotic? He then deemed it "cool" that Cowgirl got to live in China first.  

It is hard to remember those years waiting for Cowgirl, wondering about the child living in China who would one day be my daughter. Eleven years ago I stood outside under a full harvest moon and offered up my prayer for a healthy child. At that time, I had no idea we would be adopting. 

Eleven years ago, just two days before that same full moon, Cowgirl was born. In China the eight full moon of the lunar year - our Harvest Moon -  is known as the MId-Autumn Moon Festival or 中秋節 Zhong Qiu Jie. It is the second most important holiday and traditionally a time for family reunions and celebrations. It is said that under the full moon, we are reunited with all of our loved ones as the moon shines down upon us all.

In our family we talk about the Moon Goddess, 嫦娥  Chang-e, who brought us together as a family.  I tell Cowgirl that she was the one reaching out to me under that full moon all those years ago. As we celebrate her 11th birthday, this year we will celebrate the Moon festival just a few days later. We have moon cakes - 月饼 yue bing - which we've already tucked into. Cowgirl and I like the red bean or lotus paste ones; the traditional cakes have a hard boiled egg inside which we don't like; the Husband shuns them all!  

We combine these traditions from her birth country with new traditions of our own. This morning she chose to wear her Chinese Camp tee shirt. It could have easily been her beloved Kansas Jayhawk tee. She doesn't like cake, so I bake her a birthday pie. This year she wants a strawberry refrigerator pie.  She has also requested steak for her birthday dinner. Last year, it was sushi. That is how she rolls ...

So yes, I will spoil her on this, Her Day which actually is not all that different from other days. With the exception of me getting up early for the dumplings. 

I wouldn't have it any other way. For she has given me so much more than I could have ever imagined 11 years ago under that full moon. She is my reminder to leave open ended the manner in which I want my prayers answered. Why put limits upon what the Universe can conjure up? 

Eleven ... I still cannot reconcile how this little girl ...

turned into this no-longer-so-little girl?

 Thankfully, she is keeping me young-ish ... at least in body, if not mind!

treasures (and treasuring)

My life these past few weeks consists of making lists, making calls, filling out forms, visiting notaries, packing boxes and packing boxes ... and packing boxes.

There is so much to do, tending to what is the ultimate move of a lifetime. I know the busyness keeps me moving forward and it keeps some of the grief at bay.  There just isn't much time to sit and feel ... 

Sorting through my mother's belongings, I vacillate between feeling I am invading her privacy and paying homage to the relics of her life. One of her close friends offered me great comfort by saying "She would have wanted you to be the one to sort through her things." 

I am deeply engaged with her memories and it is a sacred process sifting through what constitutes a life. While the work keeps my mind busy, there are moments when I am ambushed by grief (a very accurate description by The Man)  and find myself stalled and unable to conceive how I will go on without her?

All I know to do is hold onto my practice ... meditating with my girl and sketching every day in my journal.  Staying in my own rhythms -  engaged with my own life - while honoring hers by celebrating the details.

In the process of wrapping up my mother's life, I am discovering that the process of letting her go is balanced by this coming to know her in a whole, new way.  I am finally seeing her not just as my mother, but as a complete and separate person ... a child with dreams ...

a wife, a friend, a mother, a woman on a singular and unique journey.  And by taking in the fullness of her life, I am discovering pieces of my own ...

 

... clues peppered throughout her life, pointing towards me and the person that I am and the person I am becoming. 

I haven't lost my mother ... I'm just seeing our story in a whole, new way.  I don't have to go on without her because she is always a part of who I am ...  just as I am a part of who she was.  

 

Autumn memories ...

It seems that is all I really can hold onto: the memories ... 

the feeling tone of a moment ...

 

a day ...

a time alone ...

or together ...

 

the sensation of the magical entering my cells ...

the entire, sweeping whole of my life flowing before me moment-by-moment ...

with just the briefest of pauses allowing me time to gather them up, and stash them safely in the pockets of my heart. 

finally, friday ...

Something new ... I am feeling rather Spring-ish!

Each Friday (hopefully, I will remember!) one image celebrating the week, the moment, the days ahead.  Little in terms of words, leaving it open to the imagination.  Ponder your possibilities and share in the comment links to your Friday moment.  Here is mine:

 Let's have a collective celebration. Happy almost Spring! xo

everyday marvels

I do love surprises and this humble onion reminds me that often the most thrilling things are the quiet ones happening right under my nose ...
 

a perfect little pig's tail on my onion!

Even thought I think I am paying close attention, change is happening every day and right under my nose.  But when I can soften my gaze, suspend time and look with all my senses and my heart, I able to perceive the miracles right before me.

When once there was a stool, now there is a girl child managing through her own muscle and determination to claim her place. Right now it is in the kitchen but soon  - oh far too soon! -  within the world. 

And as we move into conversations addressing multi-generational healing in the current session of SouLodge,  I see the ways we are changing the experience - narrative -  of family in our world. 

What so easily could be mistaken for everyday is really the material of my life's blessings and periodically I remember to count them:

Enjoying time together -  learning or creating or exploring or seeking to discover the perfect pizza dough recipe.

 

 

The gestures, the details that constitute the person  ... or the animal

Mealtimes together ... in conversation ... sharing, laughing, teasing and yes,annoying each other but always knowing we are a tight unit.

Discovering that love brings us together in more ways than our minds could ever begin to imagine (but how our hearts so readily expand to hold)

What everyday miracles and marvels are you noticing right now?  The best gift you can give your self is to pause, lift up your gaze (being by a window and looking out helps), soften your eyes, relax and sink into the moment.  Look, feel, remember, breathe, receive the gifts that dance all around you.  And then share them with another.  Let's fill our world with these miracles.

hello Valentine!

We've been busy getting ready ...

So much I want to say, this being such a contradictory holiday ... the commercialization, the treacle factor in the Hallmark cards, the worn-out cliches and heart-shaped chocolate boxes and toxic roses ... 

but underneath it all I am still that kindergartener excited for her first school sponsored Valentine's celebration with construction paper hearts and puppies with butterflies cards.  (who would have believed the shlock of my childhood would be preferable to the cheapo Sponge Bob  and Minecraft cards popular today?)

Rather than dwell upon the forelorn and crash aspects of this day, I choose to infuse this holiday with deeper meaning.  I choose to celebrate the joy of love, the pleasures of sharing my heart with another, and the honor of receiving expressions of love crafted by small hands and eager hearts.  

I choose to embrace the honest and simple, the expressions of love given with a heart thumping with excitement and anticipation.  I will gleefully (and shamelessly) receive the unimaginative and but appreciated (and soon-to-be-devoured) box of chocolates, understanding that each indulgent bite is a wish from my beloved that I remember myself as sweet and rich, my life as bountiful and as varied as an assortment of confections.  (dare I go there?  I dare! in honor of the day - "life is like a box of chocolates, you never know what you're gonna get." So true Forrest, so true.  Except I take small nibbles and if I don't like what I pick, I select another chocolate!)

It is a matter of choosing, enjoying, and yes ... sharing in that sweetness.

And if I could have sent out Valentines to all, I would want mine to convey something along the lines of this: 

Pocket Poem by Ted Kooser

(from Valentines)

If this comes creased and creased again and soiled

as if I'd opened it a thousand times

to see if what I'd written here was right,

it's all because I looked too long for you

to put it in your pocket. Midnight says

the little gifts of loneliness come wrapped

by nervous fingers. What I wanted this

to say was that I want to be so close

that when you find it, it is warm from me.

May your Valentine's Day be filled with the love of sunshine, birdsong,  or snowflake blessings and the delight of discovering heartshaped leaves tumbling across your path. 
xo

HeartFull Living begins on Monday but there are special Valentine's treats awaiting all who gather in that space.  There is still time to sign-up ... all the gooey details are here. 

this is how we do it ...

Keeping warm (dangerous wind chills today and Moose had a peesicle it was that bad!) and counting down to the big day.

Earlier in the season I read Soulemama's From the Editor in the current issue of Taproot magazine (renewal of my subscription is at the top of my wishlist Santa!) and her words have been a cloak of protection I've gathered about me to shelter me from the collective impulse to spend/hurry/more is better.

And I try, each year hopefully more successfully than the last, to keep my focus on the hearth and home, family and love, celebration and comfort that this season beckons us to embrace. Simple and special, I've said more times than I can count (and to myself more than anyone else), about the holiday season with little ones. 

(Amanda Blake Soule, Taproot, Issue 8: Reclaim)

This has been my mantra: Simple and special.  I cannot judge how well I have succeeded, but I can say my experience of the season has been joyful, playful, celebratory with just enough frantic fun to make things spicy good. (I have two nights to finish knitting a hat, never mind the 4 other gifts-in-progress that will go out sometime.  Better done and late than never done at all!)

Here is how we've been enjoying the first few days of Winter break ...

Making snowflakes (we like tempting the weather gods - Let it snow!)

A little gluestick on the glass and voilá!  Window art!

 

When you leave art clutter on the kitchen island, all kinds of shy creatures appear and join in ...

Mornings are quiet time for some needlework ...

 

 

The best gift I've given myself was to offer a Solstice ceremony.  I admit, in the week leading up to it, I wondered why I had every agreed to leading a celebration with days woefully lacking in time to get things done, never mind time devoted to stillness, to quiet celebration.

But it was a fitting expression of Simple and Special as an intimate group joined with me to enact ancient ceremonies, chant, dream, and envision the year ahead that we all want to contribute to. It was a very necessary deep breath out which allows me to now breath in fully, deeply, and passionately what is to come.  The year ahead feels to me like it will be a very BIG one ... although after some time spent in reflection and releasing, I would say this past year was equally big and transformational, if not transitional.  Soon we will be saying goodbye to the year of the Snake and I know I've shed quite a bit in 2013.  Feeling shiny, supple, and ready to plunge deeper into the mystery, into the adventure.

Much Light and Love to you this season ... and always. xo