Practice Me/ Practice You ♥

Practice ... it is what I return to again and again.  As I age, I find myself gathering more and more practices around me - meditation, yoga, art making, prayers, writing.  What is obvious to me now is how life IS my practice in the sense that a commitment to  maintaining alert presence, wakefulness, non-attachment and responsiveness (versus reactivity) demands daily  - indeed minute by minute - attention, effort and commitment. 

Recognizing this truth for myself has been a source of immense liberation. Rather than believing I "ought to have it right by now" I can relax into the vastness of my self, my life, as a work-in-progress.  There is great freedom and possibility in the notion that I am ever and always evolving, growing, changing.  The important distinction is intentional growth versus hapzhard growth. I can let life shape me, but that is a passive experience.  If I am choosing to enter into the conversation of living (as David Whyte describes it) I  am also choosing to be an active agent in this process of growth and unfolding.  And that seems to me to be the more exciting and rewarding option. 

This past year illness and lingering grief challenged me to dig deeper.  Oh, I thrashed around for quite a while.  But when I finally surrendered to it all, when I accepted I felt lost and stranded, then I was ripe for being found. The work of yoga teacher and author Elena Brower has guided and inspired my moving forward. More accurately, her online mentorship program Elevate provided me with the tools and the space to draft my own map home.  Now there is her newest offering Practice You: A Journal which combines all of my favorite tools for self inquiry: creative art play, writing, dialogue and meditation. 

Tarot cards from the Anna K Tarot

In addition to her new book, there is an online offering (a second incarnation of Elevate) to help us squeeze the most out of this already juicy gift. I have worked through the first Elevate mentorship program twice (in 4 months!) and the process was deepened through conversation with a dear friend also in the course. We will be together in this second round ... but what excites me is the invitation to share this work with my yoga students and my Cowgirl. 

Flipping through the pages of  Practice You what is immediate apparent is the versatility of the journal. The prompts and the artwork inspire wildly creative and personal responses. My Girl is not much for traditional journaling (read: not at all!) but the beauty of this work is the invitation to respond in a variety of ways: collage, paint, free flow word play, mindful doodling ... I have yet to explore all the possibilities but I can sense a ripeness for the unexpected to reveal hidden treasures of insight and understanding. 

"i am" page from Practice You

Life with a newly minted teenager has brought to the surface many old and triggersome questions: what does it mean to belong? How do I see myself and my gifts? Who is in charge of my happiness, my sense of self worth? How can I learn to embrace ALL parts of myself to both heal and to honor and understand the complexity that is being a human animal in this crazy wonderful world of ours?  

Just as I am a work-in-progress, so too are my relationships. As my Girl steps into the rocky terrain of teenager, our relationship is changing.  I am grateful to Practice You as a tool to support me supporting her. I don't know if she will engage fully in the process with me, but a copy waits for when she is ready. Meanwhile, I do my work so that I can hold space mindfully and lovingly for those around me to do theirs.

When it seems like Life is throwing up roadblocks, the choice for me has been to lean upon my practice. Illness, pain, emotional challenges, spiritual darkness - each and every time these challenges have visited me, I have felt stranded and abandoned.  Yet when there seems to be no solution in sight, the only option is "keep on keeping on" which for me means: turn to my practice. 

I have a mantra that kicks in whenever I feel lost or aimless: I support my practice and my practice support me. It is my formula for living. I could also say I support my creativity and my creativity supports me. I support my work and my work supports me.  I support Love and Love supports me. Underneath it all are foundational beliefs I have had to extract from the hard rock of inherited attitudes and concepts about myself held for far too long. Here again, my practice(s) have fortified me for this ongoing excavation.  I am excited to discover how Practice You supports and deepens the vital work of Practice Me. For if I want my Girl to understand the full extent of her beauty inside and out, if I want her to explore and express the richness of her talents and gifts, I must do the same.  

pages from my Elevate notebooks

Yoga reminds me that my natural state is Wholeness and Unity; that my experience of living in this human body is a journey of healing through the process of remembering myself already whole and complete. The outcome of this journey is freedom within and connection with Life around me.  

And so, I return each day to practice ... in whatever form it may take ...  it is like a walking stick that steadies me as I make my way forward.  I do the work, but my practice keeps me upright and moving along my path. "This is how I respect myself. These are my practices." (page from Practice You)

my Bali dream ...

Oh my, my Bali adventure ... where do I begin?  

It is my first morning back home and I am not sure how to move back into my life. I know my dreams last night were full of Bali's colors, memories, sights and smells. I feel a bit like Dorothy waking up in Kansas, back in a world of black and white after a long sojourn in full-tilt technicolor, surround sound and smell-o-vision. I am aware of the absence of the heat, the colors, the smells (frangipani mixed with incense) and the sounds of Bali.  But also I am aware of something tender and new within myself; a seedling sprouted and new roots making their way deep within my spirit and soul. 

Bali ahhhhhhh. How do I explain?  

I am remembering my last night at our retreat. Even though Kristina and I would be staying on for two additional nights, the sense of an ending was making me restless. It had been a full day with hiking down and then up some incredibly steep stairs to a series of holy springs. Factoring in the heat and humidity of Bali, I should have felt physically exhausted, but instead I was strangely rested and refreshed. It was the last night I would sleep in my queen's bed, in our private joglo compound. Suddenly, I realized I hadn't had a skinny dip in the pool! Knowing I would always regret missing the opportunity to swim serenaded by the geckos and frogs, I slipped out of bed. 

All was quiet as I made my way along the path to the main compound. I figured I  would sneak in and out of the water, my own private and final baptism in Bali. Then I saw someone from the group sitting at the main dining table. I was relieved to see it was a new and dear friend, my Aussie Sister and soul-friend. She too could not sleep. "It's my last night in Bali, why would I want to sleep?" She was beading at the 24/7 bead bar. Without looking up she asked "Want to take a swim?" Giddy with the realization that she too wanted a skinny dip, I also marveled at how - yet again - in Bali the translation of inner longing to manifested reality is swift and certain. 

Already spiritually cleansed by our holy spring experience, we entered the warm water as newborns, sharing heart-truths and promises - to ourselves and to each other - under the blanket of the night sky. After Bali, there is no going back to life as usual.

For Bali is Eat, Pray, Love all rolled up into one. While it is a feast for the senses, all that juicy beauty, celebration and joy pools into and nourishes the heart.  

 

 

A friend has asked "Can you trust that your path is being prepared for you?"  Yes, I can. My path lead me to Bali. Every pivotal transition in my life has come about via a flash of an idea and saying yes quickly before the questions or doubts arise. Studying abroad. Yoga teacher training. Adoption. And then Soulful Escape to Bali.

This is not to say doubts and obstacles don't arise. As I prepared for the 24-plus hour journey, I was filled with fear and dread. I am not normally squeamish about traveling, but venturing half way around the world from my girl, that bothers me. I had made it to the West Coast when I learned that our trans-Pacific flight was delayed due to a typhoon pummeling our first stop, Taipei.

A typhoon?!

I spent the night in San Francisco and we departed 12 hours later with no idea when or if our connecting flight to Bali would happen. Waiting in line at China Airlines customer service at 12:30 AM in the Taipei airport we were groggy and foggy from the 12 hour flight, but trusting and hopeful. Miraculous, the airline agent turned to the counter behind him, picked up our connecting flight tickets and informed us that flight would be leaving in less than 2 hours.

When you say yes and move forward with an open heart, all manner of miracles happen. This is one of the lessons Bali taught me.

We arrived in Bali the next morning, giddy with relief. The humidity hit us while still inside the airport. Exhausted from travel, we staggered towards immigration where we were greeted by the first of countless palm leaf baskets - Canang sari -  containing a daily offering expressing gratitude and prayers to the gods. Bali is a Hindu country and everywhere you find these colorful expressions of thankfulness and celebration. The trick is not to find them, but rather not to step on or squash them!

If there is a single concept that describes the landscape and the culture of Bali, it is Beauty. Not simple, surface beauty - or glamour as John O'Donohue explains in his work on Beauty - but richly layered, complex, multifaceted Beauty. The beauty of dismantled sidewalks decorated by offerings; the beauty of crumbling buildings watched over by festooned statues of Ganesh, the elephant-head god who is the remover of obstacles, whose round belly holds past, present and future while also representing generosity and the fullness of life. Everywhere there is color and music and horns honking and incense burning and a pervasive attitude of gratitude, playfulness and joy.

 

Over and over we encountered the beauty of the Balinese people, expressed through heart-felt welcomes and wide smiles. In Bali, one feels seen and received. As our retreat leaders, Nicole and Em, would say over and over, Bali is a heart-centered culture. It is impossible not to be touched by the generosity of the people, never mind the lush beauty of the landscape. 

The retreat itself was an amazing opportunity to learn about the crafts and culture of Bali. Just like our morning breakfast, our days were overflowing with inviting activities: traditional batik process, indigo dying, silver jewelry making at a silversmith's shop, sewing prayer flags, and making numerous beaded bracelets from recycled glass beads. 

our batik classroom with Pung who taught us about natural dyes and traditional batik process

Nofel, a.k.a. The Blue Man of Ubud

indigo dyeing and shibori

We also took trips into the countryside to see rice fields, and were invited into the home of an old friend of Nicole's to learn about traditional dance, music and how to make (well, maybe!) the beautiful palm leaf baskets that figure so prominently in the daily offerings. We were surrounded by family who laughed gently at our jerking attempts at Balinese dance and cheered our musical efforts. 

  

Nicole & Em's beautiful friend, Seni, who welcomed us so warmly and generously into her home

We also were invited - through Nicole's endless contacts -  to attend a wedding celebration which we learned was truly a royal wedding. Even though we had not packed appropriate attire, we were graciously told to come "as is", Nicole explaining that the Balinese people are both incredibly generous and tolerant. We didn't know, so no worries!

The first night of the retreat our group gathered in a circle. We took a moment in silence to breath and arrive fully in this moment. The dream of Bali was now a reality. Thinking of all the people who made this trip possible, our hearts were already swelling open. Each of us was asked to offer a word, our intention, for this trip.

I had said Yes to Bali almost a year ago. I said yes right after the death of my mother. I knew then that this trip would be my way of honoring her and marking the year anniversary of her passing. My mother had loved to travel and she passed on to me her passion for learning about other people, other cultures. I wanted to celebrate her life and the many gifts - of spirit, of thinking, of loving - that she had passed on to me.

So I shared my word - celebrate - as I added my flowers to the growing mandala the group created. 

What I did not share - what I did not fully grasp myself - was that this trip would be equally about release and letting go. Clearing my heart of sorrow and sadness so that I could make room for full, heart-open living and joy.

I have close to 700 photographs from my trip! Taking the time to look through them and process my experience through writing is helping me seal in the medicine and fully integrate the gifts of this experience. There is much to share and I hope you don't mind if I take my time parceling the juicy bits out over the coming weeks.

new rituals (festive fun)

This week leading up to Christmas has felt particularly dreamy and still.

I'm not sure whether it is my current state of head and heart or earth's own somnolence with the Winter Solstice now upon us.  Even though I have had to venture out (!) for last minute errands and some very essential (and soul nurturing) teatime with friends, I still feel suspended out of time and in that liminal space of not-quite-knowing/not yet there-wherever-there-may-be. 

And the oddest thing of all - I am relaxing into all of that. I am okay with being in my current state of old-dog-shuffling-about-the-house-looking-for-a-place-to-rest. 

I have had two very rich and grounding sessions with a seriously amazing wise woman who is an astrologer slash storyteller slash myth-mapper with a huge dose of heart-healthy humor and goosebumps inducing truth telling. (Carol Ferris, based in Portland OR. We used Skype for our sessions. Email her at: rficf@easystreet.net)

rficf@easystreet.net

 

rficf@easystreet.net

rficf@easystreet.net

rficf@easystreet.ne

She has helped me connect the dots and perceive the greater image of myself and the journey of my life thus far.  She explains how this is the season of dark and cold and "all of the seeds are in the ground, everything is there" and now "the seeds are dreaming in the dark." 

That is it, isn't it? Now is not the time for efforting, pushing, building, and certainly not for understanding. Now is the time for rest ...time to allow the mystery to be ...  for the seeds of what I cannot yet name or know (for to do so would be to limit their potential) ... time for those seeds to be dreaming in the dark. 

In my current dreamy-state, I have been able to perceive the outline of forms, rhythms, rituals that slowly but steadily taken root. In this season of traditions, I recognize what naturally has to fall away now that my mother is no longer here to participate, but I see what has arises to fill that space.

Behold: our yearly ornament experimentation!

Each year Cowgirl brings home an ornament (or two ... or three ...) crafted at school. 

 Decorating our family tree, I realized I have a bevy of homemade ornaments collected over the years.  There are the ones  I've made ...

And the ones made and gifted to me by friends.

 This ornament practice has been quietly rooting itself within our holiday preparations. In these final days before Christmas, I am imagining holiday music, the smell of baking cookies (each year we bake and plate Santa his Christmas treat ... along with a finger of Scotch which we know he appreciates), and a busy production line of ornaments to be completed.

Gentle, warm, creative time in which we nurture ourselves while allowing our seeds their time in the dark to dream and be.

Happy Solstice.  Wishing you the full enjoyment of the magic, the memories, the joy of this season of the dark turning towards the light. 

Final day to enter my giveaway! Details to be found HERE.