Tuesday, November 6, 2012
through the dark days
I love the Sunday morning when we wake up and realize we have an "extra" hour in the day. I love that for the time being, there is some sunshine peeking out when I walk Moose in the morning. My energy and enthusiasm swell with the rising sun ... but then evening will descend at 5:11 today and the dark nights are only going to get longer and longer in the coming months.
Yesterday I felt the strong, insistent pull of the dark. It was a grey, cold, drizzly day which only added to my heavy mood. I found myself roaming around the house like an unsettled ghost; I could not transform my restless energy into action. Truth be told, in the hustle to develop my self care e-course, I've neglected some essential pieces of myself. Even though I knowingly made this bargain - some of my time shifted into building time - I now am on the other side of it and ready to shift gears back to a happy idling mode. Except, shifting feels rather clunky right now.
In my restless scurrying, I knew the things I could to do to ease me over this hump: grab paper, a pen, some paints and make a mark. Any mark. Begin now. Scribble and see where it takes me.
I felt clumsy and awkward. My creative mind feels flabby. Ideas which normally pour out too fast for me to capture, now seemed lost in the dust. But I also know and had to trust in this process: that to begin where I am is the first step to taking me somewhere else. And anywhere would be a change from the dark, dreary and depressing day that threatened to swallow me whole.
I made a couple of drawings while Cowgirl worked on some dragons. Her capacity to create new dragons never fails to inspire and astonish me. If you love it, then just do it. Over and over and over. As long as it engages you, it is vital and alive.
I felt a little better. Still rusty, still emotionally wobbly. But I knew what my next step should be. I connected with the circle of women who have been my SouLodge tribe for over a year now. I shared with them that I was struggling, I let them witness me as I was in that moment and I let them hold the space for me to be without apologizing or diminishing the discomfort of my experience. I didn't need to read their responses, I just needed to voice my truth. I then closed the laptop and tended to dinner.
Today the sun is out. Today my energy has shifted as I knew (but cannot always believe) it would do. I am grateful for the self care practices I have been sharing and I am grateful for the knowledge of what I need to offer myself on a daily basis: art, friendship, community, space and acceptance of all that moves through me, but does not define or limit me.
Staying in flow means moving through the dark and the light. Welcoming it all as it puts in me touch with the one constant in life: Love.