Weekly Reflection (week 34): Uncertainty

I am continuing the intuitive painting process begun in BIG through monthly topics/exercises with Connie of Dirty Foot Prints Studio in Tribe. This month's theme is Balance which I suppose has been the theme of my life! I vividly recall a summer afternoon 25 years ago (gulp!) sitting on my porch reading a book on the painter Raphael as I prepared for a class in Grad school. I was eating an omelet made of fresh veggies, cheese and eggs purchased that morning at the nearby farmer's market, with my book on my lap. It was a moment of sensory delight: the blue skies of summer, the freshness of the food on my plate and the sumptuous color plates of Raphael's paintings. I remember that moment as one where I knew perfect balance. All aspects of my being felt sated.

Over the years, I've tried to duplicate that feeling in my life. Having tasted it once, I continue to seek it out. I also know from practicing balance poses in yoga, that falling out of balance teaches me how to find balance. It is like drawing a form by looking at the negative space around it. I don't know if it is possible or even desirable to live in balance all of the time; but I do feel I am strengthening my skill at recovering myself, finding my center and returning to that place where all aspects of my being feel fulfilled.






So how does this tie in with uncertainty? I'm not sure. But what I've been facing in my intuitive painting is allowing myself to live in uncertainty; letting go of my need to control or understand or predict everything. Painting right now means grabbing my paper, paints and brushes and diving right in. No thought, just instinct, impulse, intuition. What color does my hand reach for? What movement does my hand/wrist/arm ache to do as I hold my brush above the paper? And once I've made a mark, allowing myself to respond to that action without knowing where it is taking me.

Talk about lack of balance! Rather than relying upon my rational mind to guide each stroke towards a preconceived goal - a painting that exists in my mind - I must let go and allow intuition, inklings, reactions to guide me. I must make my peace with uncertainty because I cannot know what may arise after I paint in a particular color, shape or line. I am in dialogue with the painting itself and I cannot predict what it will say next.






It is a wonderful, unnerving, surprising and exhilarating dance with uncertainty. And it pushes me to repeatedly find balance within myself by stepping outside of myself. Or rather, stepping outside my big brain. And I am seeing how unbalanced living with a need for total control can be. What has been emerging as I drift in not knowing is a wonderful zen like experience of knowing. Truths emerge when I allow them the space to be.

So I while I have no idea what I will do next in my painting (she is far from being finished with me), I have been receiving fortune cookie like affirmations in my other artistic endeavors. First there was this page:






Then I was inspired by Lisa of LifeUnity to create an affirmation page:






And finally there is this collage card I made yesterday:






I swear I grabbed the magazine clipping because of the flower in the O complimented the other flowers in the papers. And then I read the text.

Yeah, like I said, a fortune cookie truth.

So uncertainty is leading me into a more graceful, balanced dance with my life. A dance where I do not try to lead and so far, no toes have been stepped on. And I am seeing how this new partner of uncertainty can dance many in forms: creativity, teaching, parenting and spiritual growth.

Embracing uncertainty, I am understanding the value in its practice. It is like the high wire act of being a mother: living every day in a state of awe, vulnerability, intense love, fear and hope and joy.






What is your relationship with Uncertainty?

august 17

Rainy day ... time to paint:





"Whenever you allow yourself spontaneous and uncensored expression - whether through song, dance, music or any other creative outlet - you make contact with the inner spark that revitalized every part of you." (Painting from the Source by Aviva Gold)








Some art treats I have received in the mail this summer:






I have to agree with all of the t-shirts and mugs, "Life is Good."

august 6 (and a retreat reflection)

If I can only do one thing right now, what would that be?

Paint!

That's my reflection and summation for this week.

Enough said ... back to my retreat ...

stage one of my painting for BIG: "How does it feel to be me?"

my goddess & i are resting ... waiting to see what happens next.

Oh, I did take a break to drive downtown to watch the Tibetan Monks of Gaden Shartse Monastery working on a colored sand mandala dedicated to Chenrezig, the Bodhisattva of Compassion.



Cowgirl enjoyed trying out the techniques herself.











Okay, seriously, all that color has me itching to paint (and to spurge on some new colors!)

What one thing do you want to do right now? Why aren't you doing it?

Painting with a Purpose: Final Giveaway Painting (and some inspiration)

Where did the month go? It has been a blur except we have 5 paintings that verify we were here and we did paint ... a lot this month! And we will be painting more because the process of collaborating with Cowgirl has been so rich and inspiring as an artist and as a mother. I am beginning to process my thoughts around the experience and what it has taught me, hopefully for publication in another venue.

Here is our fifth and final piece for Half the Sky Foundation's Art in our HeARTs Art a-thon to raise money for programs benefiting children in China's welfare centers and orphanages. It seems appropriate that our final painting carries the instruction to be Inspired.






Not only has art inspired a deeper relationship between my daughter and myself, but it has inspired me to dream bigger. I am actively considering ways my passions of art and photography can be put to use to benefit others, igniting their dreams and confidence. I have witnessed in my life and in my child's life the power of art making to validate and celebrate our individual gifts and talents. I believe the five paintings we have created reflect our journey to embrace ourselves as artists with a mission to shine light upon the joy and wonder of this world. And thanks to everyone who has so generously supported our campaign with a donation, that joy will be part of a child's life as so much of what Half the Sky does is to nurture and witness the gifts of children who have no other family but the one within an institution's walls.

If you haven't been here all month, here's the drill: we will be giving away our friendly Inspired Tiger to one lucky winner. To enter the drawing, make a donation to our pledge page (see the cute little badge - Donate Now - on the right hand side bar? Click it to take you to our page) and either sign the honor roll there or come back here and leave me a comment. (More information about our project Painting with a Purpose can be found here.) You can also email me if you are shy: Lishofmann(at)novia)dot)net. Cowgirl will pick a name out of her hat on Monday and I will announce the winner on Wednesday so be sure I know how to contact you.

In the spirit of my last post, I am setting the intention to Do Less and Be More in the coming month. I will be participating in August Break with a daily photo Monday through Fridays and my Weekly Reflection post but I'm not sure what else. So much is going on within, I feel a need to nurture that and be quiet, be still and just do my practice which is simply to show up every day for my life awake, present, open and trusting.

what i saw this morning; a reminder i need to gain perspective and pay attention to inklings, intuition and deeper guidance

Of course, if you know anything about me you will know I have a hard time keeping quiet! I would like to believe August will be my silent art retreat but who knows? So if I am quiet, please do know I will still be here, bowing in gratitude to every one of you as each comment is like drops of dew on a summer lawn: refreshingly welcome and needed!

So how are you inspired today? And how does it manifest in your life?

Here is what is exciting me ... contour drawings! Courtesy of another wonderful week in BIG:

these are done without looking at the paper while drawing the figure and are on large poster board paper (except for the one of Moose which is in my journal)

Painting with a Purpose: Week 4 Giveaway (and Fearless Dreaming!)

Here it is, another Friday and we have our fourth painting ready to unveil:





Inspired by what is happening to me and to my tribe of female warrior painters over in BIG, I knew the name of this piece had to be Fearless Dreamer. In my humble opinion, this is our best painting to date. I am actually hoping a family member wins so I can buy it off of them!

If you are not familiar with our Painting with a Purpose campaign, click here for the details. If you haven't made a donation yet, now is the time! You only have to donate once and then your name will be entered into each week's drawing for a painting. Just be sure to either leave your name on the pledge page honor roll, leave a comment here or email me at Lishofmann(at)novia(dot)net to make sure your name is entered into the drawing. A name is picked at random on Monday afternoon and the winner announced on Wednesday. So far we are close to $800 but let's not stop there! On Sunday I will be donating all proceeds from my Kripalu yoga class to the campaign. Our fifth and final painting will be posted next Friday.






Each week I am finding it easier and easier to tap into painting from the perspective of my five year old self, before I became self conscious and concerned about "getting it right." I am a recovering Perfectionist and Cowgirl is my sponsor! Each week she has taken on a larger role in the pieces and her inspiration is manifesting in my work. It has been a challenge to override the critical voices in my head: she will select a color and I will start to say "no, that would look weird." Thankfully, I've learned to suspend my thinking mind and have yet to be disappointed in her choices. I mean - who would have thought red, green and yellow stars could look so wonderful?






I am also finding this project has led me into some Fearless Dreaming of my own. I have a project in mind which would combine Half the Sky Foundation and Photography. It is a small seed of an idea and I am in the beginning stages of researching its feasibility, so forgive me for not sharing more details just yet. But painting this lion has opened up vast reservoirs of courage, daring and lion-heartedness within me. I wonder, what Fearless Dreams are calling for your attention?






(For some summer fun, join me and a swelling list of Bloggers who will be participating in Susannah Conway's August Break. For the month of August I will be posting a picture a day Monday through Friday. Most days it will just be a picture, although chatty Cathy that I am, you know I will still be here with my Weekly Reflection and arty updates. Info on the project is here. To see who's going to be in blogger camp, click here.)

Weekly Reflection (week 27): Surprises

I am in my second week of painting BIG and it is like the roller coaster took off from the highest of highs and we are flying fast and furious down the track. It is exhilarating, it is intimidating, it is inspiring and it is intoxicating. I have made 7 paintings and each time I start, I have no idea where I will end up. It is not about the final product, but about the experience and about being fearless, being present, being open and willing to let go and open ourselves up to our inherent bigness of spirit and creativity.

detail from Memory #1 painting

So, how is surprise manifesting in my life and in my art right now?

The biggest surprise is how much I love the act of painting. And I mean love in the sense of my gut and my emotions and my mind driven towards one thing: squeezing paint onto my palette, seizing a brush, and laying down thick, juicy strokes of color upon the paper. I love the dialogue between me and each piece; how the work whispers which color it wants next, demands more attention in one area, insisting I stay present and receptive to each act, each stroke and glob of pigment I lay down.






I am surprised by the layers of meaning that seem to appear out of nowhere. When I am painting, I try not to plan out or think too much about what I am going to do. I want to enter into a meditative state where I am conscious only of the act of painting, allowing it to guide me. So I find it surprising when finished to see how much sense there was from intuitive choices.

The prompt for this week's projects has been memory: selecting a memory to revisit and painting from that place of recalling objects, feelings, thoughts, or events. Today I was thinking about a moment when we were in China, just days after we became a family with Cowgirl. Our group had gone on a morning trip and afterward I was going on a separate bus to buy some needed supplies while Cowgirl and the Husband were to take a different bus home. As I walked by their bus, the Husband directed Cowgirl to look out the window. There was a brief pause, and then like a flash bulb going off, her face lit up upon recognizing me. She patted her little hands against the glass and a smiled this crazy pirate smile of pure joy. In that moment, I knew I was hers and she was mine.

earlier stage of the painting Memory #2: China

So I started painting with that memory: that window, her smile, her hand upon the glass. Remembering the lushness, greenness and humidity of southern China in August, the many greens and yellow took over the bulk of the painting. The window had to be blue. I was thinking about the contrast of that window - that frame around the two people who comprise my world and the scene it revealed - against the hot and noisy landscape we were occupying for those first few weeks as a family. What I realized after painting was how I restricted myself to the colors assigned to our family by Cowgirl: blue for her (her favorite color), green for me (my favorite color) and yellow for daddy (not his favorite color, but as a daddy he suffers this daughter's decisions.)






The black writing also just popped into my mind and I strongly wanted to have Chinese characters in the piece. I apologize to anyone who can read Chinese! I knewn the character for family, which I wrote over and over in black. I then went back over and wrote daughter blue and then it seemed obvious to add Love in the middle. I remembered then that the character for family encompasses components of the symbol for love. As I struggled to be more fluid and relaxed in my writing, it struck me how my experience of learning to parent is akin to my learning a new language. I struggle not because of my lack of skill or vocabulary, but because I am extremely self conscious about the gap between my proficiency and my desire to be more fluent.

detail; part of the character for Love is cut off; below it, the characters for Cowgirl's name

And yet by bringing up this memory, I am reminded of how much understanding there already existed between my child and myself when all she understood verbally was her new name and my name as mommy. Even though I felt extremely shaky those first few days (I had not even changed a diaper until China!) I acted from my heart and from my gut. That was all that was needed then, and that is all that is needed now.

I am surprised to find myself easing up on myself not only in my painting, but in other areas of my life. I am discovering I do not have to work so hard to find meaning; it has a way of finding me if I just let it happen. I am surprised to discover that the simple act of painting from a place of acceptance and openness has so many rich lessons to teach me. And if the practice of letting go of expectations in my painting yields so many gifts and lessons, what would it mean to apply this to other areas of my life?




Surprising is the possibility I am more fluent than I have allowed myself to believe. Most of all, I am surprised to realize I painted my way to a place of confidence and trust in myself as a parent. I know deep within, I hold all the answers, all the words I will ever need to guide, support and love my daughter.



Painting with a Purpose Update:




Congratulations to Diana who won our Celebration Elephant! She will be making her way to your home shortly. Our next painting is almost ready to unveil, so check back on Friday. There are two more chances to win a painting, so be sure to make a donation using the link on the right hand side of this page and be sure to leave a comment letting us know you are supporting our campaign.

Painting with a Purpose: Week 2 Giveaway!

There has been a frenzy of painting action going on here. In addition to my taking over the dining room floor for BIG, Cowgirl has been joining me in painting our second painting for our Painting with a Purpose Campaign. Say hello to Celebration Elephant!





This happy pink pachyderm is waiting to join your home, bringing with her balloons, a lush garden and elephant-sized love. All you have to do to be entered into the drawing is make a one time donation to Half the Sky Foundation. There is a badge over on the right hand side of the blog that says DONATE NOW. This will take you directly to our pledge page. Be sure to either sign on for the honor roll there, or leave me a comment here letting me know you made a donation. Each week, your name will be entered into the drawing, so one donation gives you three chances to win! Cowgirl draws a name on Monday, so be sure to leave a comment today! If you are not familiar with our campaign, more information can be found here.

Cowgirl and I cannot thank you all enough for the generous support and contributions we have already received for this campaign. We are very close to our target goal of $600, but would love to blast past that goal! Each dollar you donate goes to support enrichment programs for the children living in Chinese orphanages. Some of these children are waiting for their Forever families, but many will only know the love and care of their nannies. Through Half the Sky Foundation's support and training, each caregiver is given the training and the tools to make a difference in the life of a child.




Art is plays a central role in the work Half the Sky caregivers provide for the children. So this art a-thon is a way of celebrating the power of art to make a difference in the lives of those who create and for those who celebrate Love through creative expression. For Cowgirl and myself, making art together is one way we strengthen the bonds of communication, respect, and care. Each painting is a truly collaborative process. Cowgirl comes up with the themes and I begin by sketching out the form. This week she suggested and elephant with balloons and flowers. I then asked her what colors to use and begin to paint the outline of the elephant and balloons in the paints she selected. She then goes in and fills in the forms. After that, I asked her about the flowers. She told me the colors and then, in the true form of a 5 year old, said "you do it" and ran off to another activity! So I painted in the garden.






The next day we agreed upon grass and a blue sky which she then filled in. Sometimes I will go back over patches where the paint is thin, but I try to retain her original brushwork. For this painting, the word Celebrate came to mind, so I added that in. In the previous piece, Cowgirl came up with the name Friend Fish and I adapted that to Friendship Fish (as every animal she names tends to be Friend Dog or Friend Cow!) The final day we make any additional touches and sign our names: C Dog and Lis.





It is fitting that our final assignment for week one of BIG was to paint as a 5 year old. Connie shared this wonderful quote from Picasso: "Every child is an artist. The problem is staying one as we grow up." I would say, the best way to stay in touch with one's inner child is to paint with a child! The process not only keeps me in touch with the fresh way a child sees their world and interprets things, but also how they celebrate the really juicy things in life: balloons, flowers, pink elephants, floating hearts, rainbows. By working with my child, I am learning from her; what I hope she is gaining is a validation of her ideas, her creations, her unique expression. I believe painting together is strengthen our bond of trust and respect. And in that space, love can blossom free and unconditional.

So, what would your five year old self like to express? How do you honor the child within you and the children in your life? Taking time to color, paint, read stories, or listen to the stories our children tell us is both healing and amazingly inspiring. You never know who you might meet. Perhaps a pink polka dot octopus?




We'd love to hear from you! Leave a comment and let us know about your art-full plans for the weekend. You might just win an elephant. ♥

Weekly Reflection (week 26): Thoughts on being BIG

What scares me about being BIG? What excites me?

I have to explain that BIG is the latest and in my humble opinion, Greatest e-course offering by Connie Hosvicka of Dirty Foot Prints Studio (and damn, her Art Journal Love Letters course is awesome, so she's batting a thousand here folks!) BIG is painting big. BIG is creating from a place of Fearlessness, a place of Passion, and a place of Faith whereby I am jumping into the sea of creativity and trusting the process to carry me to a new shore. And then jumping in again.

We are in our first week together and already I can see something powerful is happening. Connie has asked us to journal about our experience and to reflect upon the process rather than the product. To get us started, she gave us some journaling prompts on BIG and the above is my spin on her questions. What scares me about being BIG?

my first scribble piece; each painting is done on large poster board with acrylic paints

Wow. I immediate thought about how I have lived my life trying to be small. I was big as a kid (I know, anyone that knows me never believes this) and at my biggest, I was 45 pounds heavier than I am today. I was uncomfortably aware of my size as a kid. Add to this being a redhead and I just stood out. I hated being called "Red" which is what most adults loved to call me. I did not want to be singled out; I did not want attention for fear than any attention I would receive would be negative. I was the kid who always hung back, hoping to pass unnoticed and hoping to be left alone.

I think this desire to be left alone fueled my drive toward perfectionism. If I did everything everyone else wanted, then I could slip by without comment. See, even doing well did not mean praise, but anonymity. So what scares me about being BIG is being noticed. What I find sad is my equating being noticed with being found lacking.

Being BIG means taking up space, taking what I need and also what I want. Being BIG means declaring "I am and I have a right to all of this." Of course this runs counter to what I absorbed as a child: not to make a fuss, not to be a bother, not to waste, not to speak back, fight back and certainly not to put myself first. I say "absorbed" because I do not believe these lessons were consciously given to me; but they filtered in none-the-less.

scribble #2

I wonder if being BIG - or rather the fear of it - is particularly a challenge for women? We are taught to tend to others, rein in our emotions - in fact, doubt our emotions or our emotional reaction to situations - never mind the cultural preference for physical smallness/thinness. To be BIG is to be substantial. I decided to check out the definition of substantial: "of considerable importance, size, or worth" and "real and tangible." Interesting is the derivation of the word from the Latin substant meaning "standing firm."

To be BIG then is to not merely take up space, but to hold it and proclaim my right to its occupation. And in painting BIG, I am declaring my experience, my creative expression as worthy of existence and attention. Each time I paint BIG, I am expressing my dance between feelings and pigment, energy and brushstrokes, intuition and color and form. I am putting it out there to be noticed. And really, the person who needs to see and accept it is myself.

lines painting - this process reminded me of a zentangle

So what excites me about BIG is exploring the spaciousness within me and sharing it with the world. Fellow BIG tribe member Lisa wrote about the experience of opening her wings and it struck me that my habitually stiff shoulders are so not from the weight of responsibility I place upon myself, but perhaps sore from the effort of holding my wings tightly closed. I am ready to open my wings and take in their full expanse and power. This excites me; this feels daring - to explore my full power and to affirm my experience in vibrant, strong color and form.

shapes painting

Yes, BIG is proving to be the best leap ever - a leap back into my heart and into myself. And look who is joining me ...

Cowgirl working on our second piece for Painting with a Purpose

while our first piece sits, Cowgirl started a new "self portrait": a C-Dawg

What would being BIG mean to you? Do you hold or shrink back? What keeps us small? I am learning it is only myself and Fear that keeps me small and quiet. No more!