Monday Inspiration Celebration: cycles

As we work with our individual totems, we will begin to see how the predation process in its life within the wild reflects our own life within our environment.... By examining the combined qualities (medicine) of both predator and prey, the powers of death and rebirth become more accessible. The balance of totems enables you to recognize the natural rhythms of the death and rebirth process and use it more effectively. By working with the energies of both the predator totem and its prey as a totem will make life transitions less chaotic and disruptive. As a result your life becomes more creative and production. - Ted Andrews Animal-Speak






Last week I finished Deep. I pulled out all my paintings and sat with them in one room, reflecting upon my journey and where it has taken me. There were certainly surprises and new insights when viewing my work as a whole. That is the gift of the intuitive or fearless painting process: it allows me to bypass my intellect, the ideas and beliefs and perspective I hold and access my subconscious where things are not always as I imagined them to be.






For example, when approaching my second painting, I was thinking I was addressing something I needed to let go of, some attitude or belief or fear that was holding me back from stepping into my full power and gifts. What I now see is that painting represents rejection and denial of keys aspects of myself needed to be whole, to be fully alive and potent. The figure frozen in the tree structure weeps as the doll is being cast aside; without that part of myself, I am stuck, frozen and cut off.






In my third - and least favorite piece - I recognized I needed to embrace that doll. But what I thought was a painting about nurturing and support, I now see is pointing out how I mistake protection and withdrawal as care. This painting bothered me because it points out my disconnection due to fear of rejection and how isolation creates further disconnection within myself.






The third in what I think of as my doll paintings is my favorite of the entire course. Here I see integration, acceptance, and a cherishing of the discounted parts of myself. This painting was made as an act of devotion to love and in the process of painting it, I came to realize the need to offer to myself the unconditional love I so freely give to my daughter. Without knowing all that was happening below the surface, the act of painting this piece healed me.

My "purpose" painting: to be me
giving and receiving; heaven and earth

So what does this all have to do with predator and prey energies? I am embracing my totem hawk and while doing so, rabbit has offered herself to me for some deep lessons. As I absorb the many lessons of Deep, an important cycle in my creative life is coming to an end. But what rabbit is showing me is the nature of my creative cycles. There are quiet periods where little seems to be occurring and then I find myself in the midst of inspiration chaos! I am flooded with ideas, inspirations, and a host of projects I am itching to begin. It is overwhelming at times. So I sit frozen, unable to decide which of the many things calling out for my attention I wish to take on next. I hop back and forth between projects, frantic to keep the flow of inspiration and motivation alive. It is thrilling but it is exhausting.

But now I recognize this is my cycle. And while the initial stage feels like inspiration over-population, I also know hawk waits for the opportunity to strike. One thing will emerge from the chaos and forces right for its development will present themselves and then hawk will guide me to swoop in and carry that idea to its completion. I must learn to trust and wait. And I also must trust that rabbit is doing her share to keep the litter of ideas well cared for until needed. I think I can finally let go of a fear of lack.

What next? There is this writing workshop by fellow fearless painter Natasha on capturing our stories; there are additional sewing projects inspired by re-purposed clothing and knitwear, creatively put together by Emily Falconbridge; scrapbooking/journaling ideas in Got Paint (which I hope to use in a journal I am creating for Cowgirl - that may end up being my Opus!), always more painting, more art postcards to make and mail out; new fairy bundle ideas; sewing and knitting projects; and of course photographing and writing it all down for future reference.






Do you wallow in an overabundance of ideas and inspiration? How do you sort through the myriad of shiny, wonderful projects? How do you balance your energies and attention? Is it really a balance or is creativity, by necessity, a sweet taste of chaos? The balance being in the cycles of birth, growth and destruction? Filling and emptying? Activity and rest? Remembering to receive as well as offer forth?

As I steep in all these ideas, reminders of abundance, receiving, waiting and trusting swirl around me. Hawk sits on the lamp post waiting for me on every walk; as we approach he takes flight. I return home and find this gift in the mail:

postcard art by mango sister Mel

confirming once the cycles of giving and receiving, taking in and offer out that are constantly in motion. And Joy. Let's not forget joy! She is always just a crayon away ...

Got Joy?

I swear, I feel like I have been turned inside out and upside down ... is it this full moon? I think I've packed years of therapy into one week and am reeling from all that has bubbled to the surface (more like hot lava spewing forth) and has settled around me. Big teachings, big insights. Lots of painting and learning from the process.

just one sheet in the 6 sheet large painting i am doing for Deep

And after ecstasy, then the dishes and walking the dog and tomorrow's lunch to be made and, of course, always the laundry.

All of which is why I am clinging to this notion of being a Joy Warrior. What I am realizing is I do a lot in any given day; life demands much from us and the wonder and excitement and joy can often get buried under all that dirty laundry. Or rather, my energy and capacity for joy is diluted by the necessary application of myself to keeping things rolling along.

But being a Joy Warrior is not about doing more. It is not so much an effort, but a non-effort. It is a conscious choice to open myself up to Joy. That is it. Really. Trust me.

Okay, yeah there is also a little thing called being Present. But here's the trick to that: close your eyes and take a breath. Play attention to the inhale and the exhale. And now take another breath. This time, exhale out through your mouth with a sigh. And since three is a good number, take one more breath and let that sigh be a little louder, a little more juicy. And now just notice how you feel.

If you can do that and I mean just do that - no letting your mind drift to the past and any regrets, wounds, pains nor think about the future with its attendant worries, anxieties or anticipation - then you are allowing there to be this open space into which Joy (or contentment or bliss or gratitude) can pour in.

Choosing Joy can be that simple. You open yourself up to it by letting go of something you no longer need to cling to or carry or drag around. Knowing you always have a choice is really the challenge.

And some days, the choice between going home and tackling the laundry or heading over to the local nail salon for some Warrior Girl pampering isn't really choice - it is a declaration of Joy. A giving Joy a toehold into your soul.












I am loving everyone's response to join the call! So tell me, how are you going to expand Joy this weekend? I swear, under that full moon I am seeing some bubbles floating by ...

monday inspiration celebration: circle of support

It struck me the other day that what I am going through is intense labor as I give birth to my creative self. I should say, in case you haven't noticed the different between Cowgirl and myself, I have not gone through actual physical labor but this is how I image it might feel: moments of incredible euphoria, feeling empowered and acutely alert, awake and alive swinging wildly into moments of panic, intense discomfort, doubts and fear. I find myself clear and lucid and then withdrawing into isolation, quiet, and a kind of darkness where I rest and await the guidance that only comes with complete stillness.

My fearless painting practice is unlocking new doors within me; I am gaining insights into who I am and who I am choosing to become. There are days I want to crank up the music and dance wildly around the living room and other days I want to crawl into bed, into a cocoon.






Within all of this I am recognizing the importance of community and connection. I find myself leaning upon others when my energy and courage flag and then there are glorious moments of celebration when our practice carries me/us into a new phase, a new cycle. There is this sense of each of us bringing forth something new, tender, vulnerable and utterly amazing.

Where am I in this cycle? I am thinking I am in the transitional phase:

Women feel this stage in different ways. It can be intense and overwhelming. You may feel zoned in to your labour and only able to make abrupt demands. You may shout and feel impatient with everyone. You might feel shaky, shivery and sick. Or you may feel none of these things! (www.babycentre.co.uk)

Zoned, impatience, shaky ... check, check, check.






So I gather my circle of wise women - my creativity doulas and midwives - around me and ask them to cheer me on. Feeling drained today, I pulled out all the art mail I have received in the past few months (remember my pledge to return to snail mail? Not only have I been sending out mail, but unsolicited art mail has been making its way to me) and I was struck by my good fortune to have so much richness in my life now. This is my inspiration for today: all of you who show up every day to your lives and celebrate the gifts, the beauty, the magic around you and within you. I see the fruits of others labors and I am inspired to keep going.

I cannot talk about inspiration without mentioning this post by Kristen - words which are honey to my soul.






And today I received my hawk medicine bundle from Pixie Campbell. (For Pixie's great video on smudging and how to use the bundles, go here.) Hawk has always been a powerful totem for me and lately I've felt pulled to dive in deeper to his teachings. I have felt motivated to redo my altar which has 2 hawk feathers upon it and now this bundle. In fact, I have done a little energy cleansing for the Chinese New Year, smudging the entire house while Cowgirl rang our Tibetan bell. It was quite a party: the two of us singing out welcome and wishes for the angels, fairies, gnomes, goddesses, and spirits to bless our house.

So I guess I am readying everything for the eventual arrival of my baby self, my creative being. Cleansing, blessing, gathering friends and inspiration. Sounds like classic pre-birth behavior doesn't it? And there's this good news:

Transition means that you're nearly there. With support you can get through this stage. Thankfully, there's often a lull at the end of transition when the contractions pause and you and your baby can rest. (www.babycentre.co.uk)






Rest ... that sounds good right now!

Dismantling old habits and the power of platform shoes

Habit is necessary; it is the habit of having habits, of turning a trail into a rut, that must be incessantly fought against if one is to remain alive. - Edith Wharton

I’ve been working with Surrender in my fearless painting practice. Surrendering to whatever comes up while I’m painting, which is usually those nasty gremlins trying to derail me. “You just messed things up!” they will taunt. And so I surrender to the fact that maybe I did make a mess. “Oh, you are painting a cutesy, dull painting.” Okay, that’s what I’m doing. It is interesting because each time I surrender to that moment’s reality, a new one manifests. The pretty picture quickly becomes one in danger of being screwed up; the ugly piece suddenly is precious and not be be messed with any more.

What I am discovering through a practice – or more accurately, devotion – of surrender in my painting is how I need to apply it to my whole life. I am noticing how resistance is my default setting. Dinner needs to be made and I am thinking about how I would rather be outside taking pictures rather than standing over the cutting board chopping veggies. I have to grocery shop and I drag myself there, thinking about the valuable writing time I am missing out on. I feel like a fish thrashing around in a net: caught and struggling against being where I am in that moment.

Yesterday I was walking the dog and it was a gloriously sunny day. After days of bitter wind chills, gray skies and snow showers, it was a welcome treat. Except I wasn’t paying attention; I was thinking about what I would do when I got home and whether we needed to do our full walk or if I could get away with the abbreviated version. Thankfully, I caught myself. I mean, the sun was warming my face, it felt good to move my body and feel the blood pumping (it is a cardio workout given the extra 50 pounds of winter clothing I am lugging around) and Moose’s tail was wagging away. It was a moment to lean into, not resist.

If Shine is my word for 2011, I am realizing Surrender is the path that will lead me there. I need to rewire my thinking to move beyond resistance. Because resistance is merely keeping the veils of fear, confusion and doubt in place. When I practice surrender and allow myself to experience what is before me - rather than focusing upon what I desire or what I am pulling away from - then I experience a fuller sense of myself and my world.

This brings me to another habit of mind I have been trying to dismantle. I’ve mentioned before the book Mindset which presents two models of thinking: a fixed mindset that views talents and abilities as static and set and our experiences as confirmation of that stasis; and a growth mindset that believes in the possibility of growth and development and responds to challenges as opportunities to develop one’s skills and from which to learn and expand.

As a parent, I am mindful of promoting a growth mindset to my daughter. We talk a lot about working hard, learning from our challenges and enjoying the process. Recently, I had a chance to walk my talk and I failed the pop quiz. Okay, so here is my shameful secret: remember my plea for support for a video I created as part of a contest to win money for a charity? Well, I wasn’t selected. Sure there were 196 entries for 40 prizes and yes, I had very short notice and went into it telling myself I didn’t stand much of a chance and what was important was my willingness to try.

But seriously, I wanted to win. I wanted to win not only for the prize money for my charity, but because winning would have been a confirmation of my creativity. It would have been the ultimate form of Authority granting me permission to call myself an artist. And let’s be clear: I put myself out there. I solicited support from my Creative Art Mamas, Muses and Mentors and I asked a lot of people to look at my work.

I felt like I was back in junior high school. Back when I was painfully aware of myself as outsider; previous friends had morphed into the Cool Girls and I was left by the roadside. I was desperate to be accepted by them, but I knew I shouldn't dare dream to be cool. It was my buffalo sandal moment. These were The Hip Shoes to wear when I was growing up (similar but different from the "Woody" platform sandals sold at Thom McAnn.) They were the shoes Linda Ronstadt wore with rainbow socks in a Rolling Stone Magazine spread and every girl had them. I convinced my mother to buy me a pair and then I too self-conscious to wear them. I think I feared teetering off the platform bases and falling in front of the cool girls but the reality is, I doubted my right to wear them, to lay claim to any part of that coolness. That was the ridicule I feared: the voices mocking me "You dare to believe you are something more? You are and always will be a geek!"

So yeah, I felt called out when I learned my video was not selected. I was stunned not to have at least made it to the second round of interviews. Of the videos I watched, I was certain mine was more compelling, more thoughtful, more emotionally inspiring. I figured I had a chance. So when I got the email “thank you for participating but unfortunately ... “ I wanted to tuck tail and hide. I retreated into the fixed mindset reaction of this being confirmation of my not-having-what-it-takes. I told no one for days and I carried within me the attitude “I’ll never do that again!” And I retreated into my wounded preteen shame.

But I caught myself. I recognized my habitual pattern of reacting and decided to consider things from a different perspective. First, I entered to prove to myself I could do it. While making the video, I returned again and again to the notion of staying true to myself, true to the whisperings of my heart. I tried to make what I wanted to make and not be swayed by doubt and notions of "ought to." I realize now I still held back. The angle of the contest was innovation and “a fresh start.” They wanted to know what new project you would create with the prize money and that is where I betrayed myself. I had an idea, but felt it was too raw to present just yet. I didn’t feel ready to share it. So I went with a fully baked idea – the current projects already in place by the charity – and believed my passion would carry me to success.

I had passion, but I lacked total trust in my original idea. Now I know. Now I see that next time I will put it all out there, playing my best game and surrendering myself to not having it all perfect. I will not hold back out of doubt or insecurity. I will certainly still question myself and my vision but I will try to surrender to the uncertainty of it all. The only certainty is playing it safe never allows for growth or for learning. Nor does it allow for pure joy.

my fearless painting which Cowgirl declared to be "A Swirl of Love"

I will wear those platform sandals AND the rainbow socks and kick up my heels in the pleasure finally participating fully in my life.

(and for those of you who somehow missed out on my pleading and cajoling, here is the video which I am very proud to have made. I am laughing now at the notion Ford Motor Company assumed any kind of cool status. They had their agenda, and I have mine.)

Tuesday Inspiration (and I am hibernating ...)

part of a 3 panel tall painting i am working on for Deep

Yesterday I was up all eager beaver-ish to do some yoga, write my morning pages and then head out the door by 6:15 to walk Moose dog. In the early morning streetlight, I could see a little shine on my driveway and took one cautious step forward ... ICE! The sun wasn't up yet, but the gloom was from the fog and freezing mist that was quietly but steadily blanketing everything in an impenetrable layer of ice. Of course, we have the only dog who does not like to be out in his yard and the only way to get him to do his business is to walk him. So I slide down the driveway and shuffling along, we made our way up the street until the mission was accomplished.

This was the tone for the rest of the day. Slow, halting, lumbering movement forward with an occasional lurching, stumbling, sliding into place. One mile of my morning commute took me an hour. Scrapping the ice off of my car when it was time to leave work took 15 minutes and I my side view mirror was entombed in glass-like sheet of ice. I had to roll my window down to look behind me when I needed to change lanes. Yeah, it was fun stuff!

Today Cowgirl and I have a snow day. The snow continues to fall, casting a hazy white light through the windows and into my day. Inspiration? I am thinking hibernation! But truthfully, I am aware of waters flowing shift and steady underneath the ice; things are shifting within me, powerful changes and insights are coming through the experience of Deep and working with The Artist's Way. To try to describe or explain would be like trying to halt the progression of an avalanche to make a landscape sketch of the scene - impossible and not worthwhile.

So my inspiration for the week is to recognize there are times when I have to roll up my sleeves, pull out my paints or pens and keep moving. I liken it to a 3 day road trip and it is the morning of day two. I wake up and know I have to drive all day and I still won't be arriving. But the distance has to be covered. (Oh, and day two is always the portion of the drive that takes you through Kansas which - if you've never driven it - is hours of the same landscape and you wonder if you really are getting anywhere or if you are where you started.)

On road trips, simple distractions become enormously fun. Right now, if all else fails, I pull out my journal and pen and do some contour drawings. I cannot get enough of them! I could use some new subjects though ...








Both done with my non-dominant hand which is a great way to mix things up a bit. I believe the top is how I feel, and the bottom is the me Cowgirl sees when I am issuing The Look (that mommy look that is required at times to get an important message across ...)






When I cannot muster the strength to take action, then I pick up a book. If you haven't read it yet, get yourself a copy of Brené Brown's book The Gifts of Imperfection. It is a very digestible and insightful read. Or reread it because I know I need to hear these ideas over and over again. I need to have this statement handy the next time someone tells me they just aren't creative:

"I'm not very creative" doesn't work. There's no such thing as creative people and non-creative people. There are only people who use their creativity and people who don't. Unused creativity doesn't just disappear. It lives within us until it's expressed, neglected to death or suffocated by resentment and fear. If we want to make meaning, we need to make art.

I would add that unexpressed creativity putrefies, distorts and eventually erupts or bubbles out of us in the form of resentment, anger, jealous, apathy, bitterness, or negativity. Creativity helps us connect and neglecting it strengthens disconnection and isolation. In my experience anyway.

And from The Artist's Way:

We are, ourselves, creations. And we, in turn, are meant to continue creativity by being creative ourselves. It is our birthright! It is our essential nature!

The affirmations I am writing every day (which are from The Artist's Way) are these: My creativity heals myself and others; My creativity leads me to forgiveness and self-forgiveness; I am willing to be of service through my creativity.

In Deep we were recently asked to consider our purpose. Pretty heavy stuff. My tendency is to over think and over complicate things. It struck me, my purpose plain and simple is to be myself. To grow and learn and blossom as the me I was meant to be. To authentically, honestly, and lovingly be myself and accept and embrace all of me. Simple answer, complicated reality. But the only one worth figuring out. The only one worth living. But before I can do that, I think I need a little nap. Tis the season for rest, recovery and allowing seeds to take root.






And while we are resting, may I suggest this video talk by the artist Callie Curry? (In case you missed it over on the Squam website) - here is a healthy dose of inspiration to get us through the winter snows ...

Belly Love and belly insights

My stomach has been bothering me lately. Which is annoying because I have been eating well and cannot for the life of me figure out what is wrong. It is a mild upset that will not go away.

So this morning was my official start day for working with The Artist's Way. I think I am the only person who hasn't read it or really known much about it. There is a reading group taking place over on the Goddess Circle and I decided to join in as I do better when I am holding myself accountable to a group. The major tool of The Artist's Way is Morning Pages. Each day I am to write 3 pages or 750 words, stream of consciousness style to get all the junky junk out of the way. I'm not to be writing anything inspirational, just writing. Gremlins and angels, crap'ola and magic, inspiration and nonsense. And apparently in my case, a spicy dash of profanities.

I grabbed an old spiral bound notebook and I wrote. And wrote. I wrote so fast my hand cramped up and the words blended together on the page in some crazy french liaison-like mush. I was acutely aware of feeling like the day was lost to me. It was 9:15 and I was behind because I did not get up when my alarm went off. And then I spewed forth a long list of all the things I wanted to do and all the things I needed to be doing. Right now. No, an hour ago.

Writing until my claw of a hand could go no further, I realized it is no wonder my stomach is bothering me. The amount of efforting, the volume of I-ness that covered the page would cripple the hardiest of beings, never mind stomachs. Staring at my pages heaped full with desiring, pushing, striving, reaching, grasping and grabbing, I could feel the knot being pulled tighter in my stomach. The navel center and stomach is the chakra associated with fire, will, achievement and individual power, action and expression. It is the chakra that gets things done. And mine is collapsing under all the strain.

This awareness came after another a-ha moment earlier in the morning. I was late getting up because I could not rouse myself from my dream. I have intense dreams and periods when they leave me exhausted and spent. Throughout my life, I have had cycles when specific themes appear over and over again in my dreams. Some just cease and others end when I take action in my dream. For years I had the classic "back to school" dream where I was contacted by my high school that they had made a mistake and I needed to come back and take one more math class in order to graduate. This went on and on until one night, in my dream, I said "I have my college and master's degrees - I don't need your high school diploma!" I never had that dream again.

My present dream theme - one which has been going on for years - is where I am attempting to travel somewhere, usually by plane, and obstacles keep arising that prevent me from either getting to the airport or, if I do travel, I get lost or diverted on route to wherever it is I am trying to go. These dreams leave we feeling frustrated and tired from all the effort spent trying to move through the obstacles. All my attention and energy is focused upon getting to my destination and that never happens.

Wanting to break this cycle, I have tried to figure out where is it I am meant to be going? And what is holding me back? Of course, this is a huge metaphor for my life: what am I supposed to be doing? How can I get there?

This morning it occurred to me to turn things around a bit. What if the dream is not an omen telling I need to figure out what to be doing with my life; what if the dream is about me pushing, striving, straining to get somewhere when where I am meant to be is right under my feet? What if the frustration is from my refusal to surrender to the life I have been given? What if I accept there is nowhere else to go, no one else to be but me as I am in this moment? Because beneath all that straining and efforting is a belief that once I get there, somehow I will magically be transformed or transported out of this existence. Poof! I will explode into a million pieces of light and be free of birth, death, pain, and well, life.

Okay, I should have provide you a map for the circuitous route of my thinking. To put all of this into a larger context, I should also mention the instruction we were given last week in Deep by Connie, our fearless leader. She asked us to consider things this way: that no matter how much we painted, we couldn't get any better than we already are but also, we couldn't get any worse. How would we paint? Wouldn't the only choice be to be ourselves and embrace being extraordinarily that? Because the other option would be mediocre and which is not an option in my book.

So I've been chewing this whole being extraordinarily me for the past week. It has been liberating to paint with a sense of just painting me. Nowhere to go, no striving to improve, just aiming for honesty, aiming for 100% Lisa. Pretty radical. And my painting practice is mirroring the other practices that define my life: yoga, meditation and parenting. In each there comes a point when I've read the books, I listened to the stories and experiences of others, taken classes, seeked advice and guidance and now all that is left is to practice. Roll up my sleeves and do the work. And here's the thing: the work is never finished. I may have an amazing meditation, a glorious painting session, an on-fire-alive asana practice and tomorrow the work continues. As the saying goes, after ecstasy, then the laundry. There is no there to be gotten to, no final launching point (where I will dissolve into that light.) Just the practice. And showing up for it again and again.






Because if there were an end point, that would mean exiting this life which is work, pleasure, pain, joy, agony and ecstasy. Yeah, maybe we become angels, but remember Wings of Desire? Isn't the joy of life so much sweeter because we also experience the bitterness of disappointment, the pain of loss, the full spectrum of emotions that give flavor to existence?

Have I lost you? Maybe I've lost myself. But this is what is welling up inside me. All my striving and pushing and forcing has lead me to this point of total surrender. And in letting go of grasping, I am finding myself opening to receiving the greatest things of all: my extraordinary life, my singular and unique self. That's all there is.






Well, that an a huge stack of dirty dishes and a pile of laundry patiently waiting for my attention.

And hopefully, a new and relaxing cycle of dreams.

(is this what is meant by navel gazing?)

Monday Inspiration Celebration: quiet

Hard to imagine, but I am feeling very quiet these days. Not that a lot isn't happening ... it just is all internal and the words have yet to reach the surface. I am not at the surface; Deep is requiring me to spiral further and further inward and right now and I am not prepared to surface. What I am doing is listening, journaling, painting and listening some more.






What is sustaining me these days:

My commitment to the 21 days of Yoga challenge by Yoga Journal and an amazing 10 minute meditation by my teacher, Sudhir Jonathan Foust. I'm not sure if this link will work, but if the page opens, select the audio file Energy Awareness Meditation. Each time I do this practice, I am blown away by the depth of awareness and feeling it allows me to tap into.

I love this link Connie shared with us about tuning into our natural rhythms - something I all too often forget to honor. Now I am.

It has been a long weekend of play, time with family, and time to do what we love: create.















It is not a winter of discontent (although the cold and gray are getting tedious) but a season requiring my full presence and patience. Something is taking root and I need to slow down and allow it time to strengthen and grow.








What lesson does this winter hold for you?






I am also clinging tightly to this realization (I mean, it's on a card!)





See that? Artist. That's me. Now, excuse while I get back to my paints ...

Inspiration Celebration: endings and beginnings

cover: my assigned theme was "A Day in the Life"

Five months, 1 week and 4 days and I have finished 42 paintings/pages for my entry into The Sketchbook Project.

When I signed up way back when, I had this image of myself leisurely creating a spread or two each week, documenting the last half of my year. I had the leisurely part right; I did a few pages at the beginning and then when things got busy (when are they not busy?) I would tell myself I had plenty of time ... I could catch up ... I could do a number of pages in a week and be back on track.

inside cover (there will be a pocket placed here) and first page

And so it went.

Sometime in October I realized I would need to do 3 spreads a week to finish in a comfortable manner (meaning, not sending the journal in with the pages still wet with paint) ... and you know how it goes - my winter break arrived and I had to paint something every day.

when i create, i cannot spell! only now did i just catch the misspelling

But by taking leisure out of the equation I discovered something exciting: when I have to create, I can create. I no longer had the excuse of "I'm not feeling inspired right now" or "I will wait for a better idea." Often, I had no idea what I was going to paint when I pulled out my brushes and started. It was scary and it was thrilling. Fear of the blank page vanished and there was no time to agonize over every little detail. Some days a theme presented itself and other days experimentation was my inspiration. The deadline forced me to push myself and by doing so, I created some pieces I am really pleased with while others betray the mark of me pushing - and that's okay.

first full spread

... and the last spread

Now I have to send my journal off and that is a new sensation. Creating work I knew I would not be keeping, I found myself wanting it to be my best, but also struggling with knowing I would have to let it go. Part of that resistance stems from a mistaken belief that my creativity is finite. But if this process has taught me anything, it is that creativity is something I open myself up to; it flows through all of life and like air, it is available to us at all times ... we just have to breathe.

back inside cover ... completing a quote by T.S. Eliot
We shall not cease from exploration
And the end of all our exploring
will be to arrive were we started
and know the place for the first time.
- And all is always now -

Okay ... and I am also scanning my pages so if I feel any regrets about parting with my work, I can always paint new versions.

And now I am fully immersed in Deep. I decorated my journal for the course:





and I am working on my first painting





Which is quite a transition from the small scale of the journal as I return to painting on poster board. In Deep I will be devoting my practice - myself - to surrender. Surrendering to creativity; surrendering to my life; surrendering to what is and letting go of straining, grabbing, reaching, desiring, resisting, and avoiding. The time feels right to pull back the curtains, letting the light shine in upon everything - the good, the bad and all that's in between. Because in order to really Shine, I cannot be afraid to see all of me. Including the me that often misspells words (never mind my malapropisms!)

Phew. What is inspiring me these days? Color. Lots and lots of color. It looks stunning in the bright, winter light.