angels and snow

My week started off rocky, but as it usually happens in my weepiest moments come gentle reminders of love and care.

I like to think of it as my angels manifesting.

Now, for years I was hooked into the U2 lyric If God would send his angels, I sure could use them here right now - of course keeping my head lifted to the sky for some signs of support.  Then one day I realized my angels are the people who manifest in my life: my family and friends, certainly, but also the people who pass through my life often in seemingly random ways.  The car that lets me merge ahead of them; the check-out lady at the grocery store who remembers I buy some interesting produce; and of course people who pass through this space or who I've met in other virtual classrooms.   

So many dear angels lightening up my heavy mood with their words and remembrances.

And as if Mother Nature knew I needed to pause and center myself, she gave us a snow day yesterday! (I didn't even mind the 5:40 am phone call from the school announcing the closure ... immediately turned the alarm off and went right back to now blissful sleep!)

Time to linger over the morning tea and write back to my angels and time to go outside and discovery more winged ones fluttering about me. 

And time to receive the healing magic of long days playing, cuddling, laughing and loving.

As Charlie so famously would say:

Thank you angels!

Monday Inspiration Celebration: Gratitude

Acknowledging abundance (Aparigraha), we recognized the blessings in everything and gain insights into the purpose for our worldly existence. (Nischala Joy Devi, interpretation of Sutra II:39 from Patanjali's Yoga Sutras)

I am sitting here sipping a well deserved hot chocolate: it has a long day ... it is 46 degrees outside, the weather forecast for the week ahead is rainy and cold and I just spent 20 minutes listening to Chinese zither music with Cowgirl as a wind down from a marathon evening (the girl loves her zither music ... it is bizarre ... but she also loves greasy chicken skin - not the chicken mind you, but oh my, that crispy skin! So there you have it.) I ran around after work trying to find items for the bag lunch Cowgirl required for a school field trip to a farm tomorrow (everything had to be disposable) only to discover the trip has been canceled because of the rainy forecast. I tried a new recipe for dinner - a spin on shepherd's pie only all vegetarian. Meaning: lots and lots and lots of chopping, steaming, boiling, baking for a ten minute meal choked - oh yeah, choked - down and then an equally arduous time cleaning up. Then on to bath time, bed time and the zither music.

And that was the good part of my day!

Actually, my day took a turn when I was walking the dog and noticed a small package was on the front porch. Did I order something from Etsy while under the influence of Wal-itin (my Walgreen's knock off of Claritin)? Immediately glancing at the return address my heart skipped a beat - " A Secret Admirer"?

Imagine my surprise when I discovered this inside:







Ah ... I know that lotus flower ... I know that handwriting ... I know I am in for a very, very special treat and dear Kristen, you did not disappoint!

Family Tree by Kristen Walker

I am not exaggerating ... this unexpected gift revived my flagging spirits, it reminded me that goodness and abundance and love are the foundation of this Universe, and that giving and sharing and receiving are our natural tendencies. And now I marvel at what was my reading for this day "The best way to cheer yourself up is to try to cheer somebody else up." (Mark Twain)

This one act of generosity set my mind turning towards all the other gifts of inspiration that have been washing my way. Sarah Ahearn Bellemare's new book Painted Pages arrived over the weekend and I am in heaven! I love how she explains her process; the influence of poetry and photography in her mixed media pieces; and how she uses her sketchbook as a both a record of her creative process and as a tool to collect and hold ideas, thoughts, and insights. It is both a visual diary and a creative laboratory and I am excited to dig into the process.

I immediately pulled out my book of Pablo Neruda's "Odes to Common Things" and spent a lovely few hours yesterday making this piece as a thank you to an unsuspecting new friend:









I am also grateful for the steady arrival of art postcards spicing up my trips to the mailbox. So far I have received 8 out of 10 cards from ihanna's international swap.









It has been lovely connecting with new artists through their cards, via email thank-yous and checking out their blogs. So far I have receive cards from Finland, Sweden, Norway, England, Argentina and the U.S. I love the pull out message in this card:

art postcard by SNARLing

And of course, this one really spoke to me

art card by Laura Varela

I am a lover of noses :)






All of this reminds me that whenever I am feeling a bit weary, the best medicine is to stop whining, stop wringing my hands, just stop and look around. Abundance quietly awaits my attention and it is pretty awesome and often colorful, creative stuff.

And the insight into my purpose? I'm not certain, but I am pretty sure Joy is heavily involved. I mean, if happiness is a warm puppy, joy is a wet nose.

And now my cocoa is cold ... but warm is my heart with all these lovely wishes surrounding me.

Mission: Joy

I participated in iHanna's art postcard swap and thought I would share a couple of new techniques I recently learned and now love.

For the swap we were to make 10 cards. My normal way of going about things would be to make 10 different cards, totally stressing over the deadline and struggling at the end to come up with one more idea. Well. This girl is getting a little smarter. I decided to make all ten cards the same basic design and just play with color ... allowing the restrictions to push me to experiment more.

So here are the steps. (And I am also proud of myself for thinking to document the process ... although it isn't complicated at all and the color is pretty sickly in these photos.)

I used masking tape ripped into small pieces to cover the surface of a postcard. I first masked all the edges and then filled in the center.






Using a dry brush, I applied a thick coat of acrylic paint over the masking tape and let it dry.






I then added a second color and used a baby wipe (or paper towel) to smear and blot up the paint to reveal the color beneath.






Here's where it got fun! I had ordered some mehndi stencils online and decided to use the hand one. I followed this video for tips. (I trimmed a cheap kids brush so as to have a flat, thick brush to "tamp" the paint over the stencil.) The brush has to be dry, so I divided my cards up and picked one color to use on 3 or 4 of them, knowing I would have to wait awhile after cleaning my brush and stencil before I could tackle another batch.






Once dry, I used water soluble oil pastels to accent the edges and used stamps dipped in acrylic paint for the letter and small flower in the center of the palms. On the back of each card, I glued information about Joy Warriors, a picture of me and Cowgirl and this website. Now my cards and invitations to join Mission:Joy are traveling to recipients all over the world! Half of my cards went to Europe and Canada.

I think this may become the official Joy Warrior logo (or some version of it) ... what do you
think?






And yes, I am just realizing the theme of hands continues ...

Warning: Gremlins Crossing

A mind that is fast is sick. A mind that is slow is sound. A mind that is still is divine. (Meher Baba)



I am trying to get back into the habit of starting each day with a brief spiritual reading. My favorite book for this (and available for free online here) is Words to Live By by Eknath Easwaran. I haven't been very regular in my practice, but I keep plugging away. Today's quote is the one above. In Easwaran's commentary he says "A racing mind lacks time to even finish a thought, let alone to check on its quality. When we slow down the mind, we work better at everything we do. Not only is the quality of our work better, we are actually able to get more done."

My mind is often like rush hour traffic in New York. Thoughts zooming this way and that; thoughts getting stalled and hopeless stuck; thoughts crashing into each other with horns jammed and blaring. I think a creative mind is often a very busy one but there must be someone or something coming in to guide traffic or else nothing would ever make the transition from idea to tangible expression. My frantic mind can be seen when I work. I am adept at spinning mental plates - jumping between several projects in a single session, believing I am being productive when I have a number of accomplishments under my belt at the end of the day. Sometimes I think this way of working is necessary, but all the time?

I realized today that my hustle to do so much is a product of my gremlins prodding me along. I have to do more to validate myself; that whatever I do is never enough. Sigh. And there it is: that bugaboo of worthiness. I recite my mantra "As I am, I am enough" but those sneaky gremlins turned things around on me. I may be enough, but in order to claim that status, I have to keep dancing. And dancing. And dancing some more.

To slow down my thoughts, I must slow down my life. I must retrain myself to focus upon what is before me and trust the million other brilliant ideas swimming around in my head will have their turn. Or not. As a friend often says, "Baby, it's all good ..."








Meanwhile, I wear my medicine pouch as a reminder of the lessons being gifted to me by the natural world. Allow growth to be organic, be patient with myself and my process, look for relationships, understand connection and celebrate the start of each day with a song (a lesson from robin), knowing I will have another chance to find worms, rebuild my nest and enjoy the view from the top of my tree.








Today, we transform the energy of our minds ...






... into joy!

postcard for iHanna's swap; I will share more on Monday (my monkey mind goads me into demonstrating i have also been productive)

monday inspiration celebration: circle of support

It struck me the other day that what I am going through is intense labor as I give birth to my creative self. I should say, in case you haven't noticed the different between Cowgirl and myself, I have not gone through actual physical labor but this is how I image it might feel: moments of incredible euphoria, feeling empowered and acutely alert, awake and alive swinging wildly into moments of panic, intense discomfort, doubts and fear. I find myself clear and lucid and then withdrawing into isolation, quiet, and a kind of darkness where I rest and await the guidance that only comes with complete stillness.

My fearless painting practice is unlocking new doors within me; I am gaining insights into who I am and who I am choosing to become. There are days I want to crank up the music and dance wildly around the living room and other days I want to crawl into bed, into a cocoon.






Within all of this I am recognizing the importance of community and connection. I find myself leaning upon others when my energy and courage flag and then there are glorious moments of celebration when our practice carries me/us into a new phase, a new cycle. There is this sense of each of us bringing forth something new, tender, vulnerable and utterly amazing.

Where am I in this cycle? I am thinking I am in the transitional phase:

Women feel this stage in different ways. It can be intense and overwhelming. You may feel zoned in to your labour and only able to make abrupt demands. You may shout and feel impatient with everyone. You might feel shaky, shivery and sick. Or you may feel none of these things! (www.babycentre.co.uk)

Zoned, impatience, shaky ... check, check, check.






So I gather my circle of wise women - my creativity doulas and midwives - around me and ask them to cheer me on. Feeling drained today, I pulled out all the art mail I have received in the past few months (remember my pledge to return to snail mail? Not only have I been sending out mail, but unsolicited art mail has been making its way to me) and I was struck by my good fortune to have so much richness in my life now. This is my inspiration for today: all of you who show up every day to your lives and celebrate the gifts, the beauty, the magic around you and within you. I see the fruits of others labors and I am inspired to keep going.

I cannot talk about inspiration without mentioning this post by Kristen - words which are honey to my soul.






And today I received my hawk medicine bundle from Pixie Campbell. (For Pixie's great video on smudging and how to use the bundles, go here.) Hawk has always been a powerful totem for me and lately I've felt pulled to dive in deeper to his teachings. I have felt motivated to redo my altar which has 2 hawk feathers upon it and now this bundle. In fact, I have done a little energy cleansing for the Chinese New Year, smudging the entire house while Cowgirl rang our Tibetan bell. It was quite a party: the two of us singing out welcome and wishes for the angels, fairies, gnomes, goddesses, and spirits to bless our house.

So I guess I am readying everything for the eventual arrival of my baby self, my creative being. Cleansing, blessing, gathering friends and inspiration. Sounds like classic pre-birth behavior doesn't it? And there's this good news:

Transition means that you're nearly there. With support you can get through this stage. Thankfully, there's often a lull at the end of transition when the contractions pause and you and your baby can rest. (www.babycentre.co.uk)






Rest ... that sounds good right now!

Monday Inspiration Celebration: abbridged version

This day I am short on time and words, but full of inspiration and ideas. Here, in no particular order, is what has been rocking my world these past chilly, windy days. Keeping me grounded, excited and enthused.

I am loving my daily practice for THIS Moment:






For some reason, when I am making art, I cannot spell! And the teacher in me now sees - and cringes - Breathe when I meant Breath. Still breathing and embracing my imperfections :) I'd rather be making mistakes and risking insight than staying still and staying safe.


My polaroid muse has to be Cowgirl:










At $3 a picture, each one has to count and she matters most of all.


Making art postcards AND sending mail. Double pleasure for me. I love the ladies at the post office where I buy my stamps.






Cowgirl's explosive learning curve; she really gets the concept of sounding out the letters to read the words and every night she reads out loud to us. She is so proud of her achievement and I am thrilled for her to experience what is one of my longest passions: reading books. And now writing! She comes home with papers filled with her words and now is leaving notes for the fairies and this note which was placed by our house gnome, Fred:





It reads (translated, of course): Fred here is a piece of paper you can make a picture.



And today my copy of Brené Brown's new book The Gifts of Imperfection arrived and it is exactly what I need to be reading right now:

"How much we know and understand ourselves is critically important, but there is something that is even more essential to living a Wholehearted life: loving ourselves."

And then this kicker: "We cannot give our children what we don't have. Where we are on our journey of living and loving with our whole hearts is a much stronger indicator of parenting success than anything we can learn from how-to books." (from the preface of The Gifts of Imperfection)

Gulp. Strong incentive to keep on this path. Dr. Brown's words (listen to her podcasts, she is a great speaker and really brings to life the concepts she writes about) have set off many little earthquakes in my soul and this definition of love from her blog is pasted into my journal for quick reference:

from www.ordinarycourage.com

"We can only love others as much as we love ourselves." I must acknowledge then a deep love for myself, as oceans of love have sprung up in my heart these past 4 years. In loving my Cowgirl, I have come to love myself. Or perhaps being loved by her has shown me the way to loving myself?








This song says it best:




How was your Monday?

Monday Inspiration Celebration: a family affair

This past week was filled with lots of surprises, the majority of which made me want to dance my happy dance because it seems like goodness and inspiration is swirling all around me.

First off ... and I know this is a total coincidence and not to expect goodies in the mail with any kind of regularity BUT I received 3 pieces of snail mail from some of my favorite lovelies in my art world. Two cards






and (drum roll please) to add to the community of fairies, elves and dwarfs that call my house their home, a pair of Flower Monsters of our very own!






Of course, Cowgirl's monster is blue and mine green with an orange flower head. :) Not only are we their new family, but how many people can see the birth of their very own monster? Check it out!

So wanting to showcase our new monsters, I pulled out my first pack of the new Color Shade polaroid film by The Impossible Project called PUSH. I am loving the results!







The film is somewhat unstable and eventually could/would/will turn more blue? It is advertised as being peel-able (and the only way to stabilize the color) so I decided to give it a go. Naturally, I took my pictures and then read the website and flickr discussion forum where I learned it was best to peel within 10 to 15 minutes of shooting the picture. And so there I was, flipping through the instructions online which left out the part about white and blue goo oozing out (and I am wondering if it is toxic? Of course, I sacrificed safety for Art as I fumbled onward) and then I went to peel and apparently you have to do so in one confident, authoritative pull lest you get this effect:





But I still like it ... maybe because of my memory of those frantic minutes and my perseverance under pressure?

Speaking of pressure ... I have officially past the half way mark in my Moleskine notebook that is part of The Sketchbook Project. I began the journal in August and have until January 15th to finish the second half. Which means an average of three spreads a week. I've been maintaining that pace for 2 weeks now, my hands permanently in gesso, my face flushed and eyes twitching, but I know I can do it! Two pages from this weekend (the topic assigned me is "A Day in the Life"):










Go figure a break from art journaling would be sewing! Not a time consuming project, but a new challenge that required zig zag stitching to prevent edges from unraveling and sewing in elastic ... a spanking new ironing board cover! (because when you sew, you need to iron a lot more!)







And while my mother is proud of me and my efforts to learn how to sew, I was blown away when my mother, goaded - I mean, inspired - by me, finished this amazing piece of crewel work I wrote about here.








It seemed like everyone was in the grips of creative inspiration last week. Even Cowgirl has been painting and coloring up a storm. She has a passion for scotch tape which is unparalleled. She has been creating a series of train pictures which require two if not three sheets of paper taped together. (I am now realizing she may have been inspired by BIG and my 4 to 6 panel paintings.) What I love about her art are the stories her pieces tell. Here is my favorite:






Me as an octopus wearing a pearl necklace and holding stones for my octopus's garden. Below me is a giant submarine which is labeled "Me" by Cowgirl. Her sub-self (complete with 8 propellers) saves me from a shark and we go on to rescued a family of baby eels. Overhead, an airplane and a jet fly by.

Recounting this all, it seems like I worked at a break neck pace, but in actuality I found the days full and spacious as each activity flowed into the next. There was time to sit with Cowgirl and listen to her stories; I went with my mother to a matinee; I took extra long walks with Moose to center myself. Helpful was this insight that came to me while I was sewing:

Daily practice card for THIS Moment course

I tell my students in yoga again and again, to be sure they are breathing. Finally, the teacher heeded her own advice!

Is it me, or is the fact that I am thinking about creative inspiration on a regular basis making me more prone to finding it all around me? Do share your adventures!

my quiet rebellion ...

something is rotten ...

As John Lennon so aptly put it "Nobody told me there'd be days like these."

Yesterday was one of those days.

I couldn't figure out why my shoe was sticking to the brake pedal while driving and so I pulled over to discover a wad of electric green, minty gum and a mound of hairs stuck to the bottom of my clog.

I went to pick Cowgirl up at school wearing my Moose walking outfit which I will admit is a tad eclectic but certainly not deserving of the stares and giggles of a pair of first graders who proclaimed, in a stage whisper "WHO is that woman?!" (This is a topic for another post if not a therapy session as I was simultaneously indigent, humiliated, vengeful, and ashamed. Yes, I even cried in the car telling Cowgirl "some people I don't even know were mean to me and hurt my feelings and I know I shouldn't care because they don't know me, but I do." To which she wisely counseled: "Mommy, just ignore them." And no, I did not tell her they were kids!)

The dog found a lone skittle, ate it and promptly threw up.

But this day of trials akin to Job on his dung heap started when I tried to log into my Facebook page and received the message "this account has been deactivated."

Now, understand I joined FB kicking and screaming. Friends would say "If you were on FB then you would already know ..." and having lost numerous email address books, I figured it was time to plug myself in and join the party. I was excited to find old friends who had vanished into the mist (or had I vanished?) and I did reconnect with a few people but by and large, I have found the experience unsatisfying. It is like sushi: I can enjoy a bite or two, but cold, raw fish is not my idea of a fully satisfying meal. That's just me.

So to be jilted by FB was particularly galling.

And in typical fashion, trying to find answers is like entering the Minotaur's labyrinth. You go 'round and 'round and end up back where you started. There are no humans behind that blue and white screen: I firmly believe FB is run by the Cylons and they are here to torment us. (Off the subject, but not really, did you know when you call businesses or companies for assistance and there seems to be no option for speaking to a flesh and blood person on the answering machine queue, you can say loudly and anxiously "I want to speak to someone" and sometimes that will trigger the system to switch you over to a representative. I know this from trying to help my 85 year old mother get info on her health insurance and was released from automation limbo by shouting "For the love of God, I want to talk to a person!" I was clicked right over.)

But back to FB and my slow simmer ...

All afternoon (after the gum; after being humiliated by 7 year olds) my mind churned with thoughts regarding FB and how I was infuriated by being denied, and relieved to be out from under the weight of my expectations. Because I keep hoping for something real in all those mini-bites of information; I desire connection with people I once was deeply connected to and I wanted to be in the loop of information. But it struck me that the reason so many give for being on FB - it is free and it is easy to stay in touch with friends - is precisely why it is so empty and false. If the foundation for my relationships is free and easy, then am I really connecting at all? Shouldn't relationships - friendships - require more? Don't I want to give more? And don't I deserve an equal level of commitment and attention?

So last night I went to bed believing that in fact the Universe had just handed me a beautiful gift. Sure, I was sad to think of losing the contacts recently made via online communities and courses but I could find those people in other ways. And while contemplating a FB-free world, I decided I want to commit to nurturing the relationships that matter to me via a rather old fashioned way:

I am returning to writing letters and postcards and using the good old U.S. Mail.

I used to write a lot of letters. I blamed my declining handwriting for the eventual cessation of written correspondence but really, it is a matter of me slowing down and dedicating a piece of time to think and write (legibly) and connect. A small rebellion, I know, but it is my attempt to put some flesh and blood back into what has become all too virtual. (Hello? Anyone read The Handmaid's Tale? Am I the only one bothered by the fact that so much of our identity and history could be wiped out with a click of a mouse, a cyber-coup to end all coups?)





So here is my end of year vow: once a week to send out some piece of mail to a friend. It may be a letter, an art postcard, a postcard grabbed while in line at Walgreen's and a poem scribble on the back. Whatever it is, it will be me committing my time, my awareness, my hand to say to each recipient "you matter to me and you are deserving of my attention."

I would love to think I might get mail in return, but I'm not kidding myself. Free and easy is very tempting and I understand people are busy and over-committed. But I hope in some small way to reconnect in a more meaningful manner, nurturing my relationships with my love and attention. Care to join me?

As it would happen (and proof that Cylons are running the show) as mysteriously as my FB account disappeared, it reappeared today. So here I hang on the horns of a dilemma: do I stay but on my terms? Or do I go and hold my head up high? I haven't decided yet because I know there are people I will never hear from again and I am not quite ready to give up the dream. But I do plan to wean myself off of its teat bit by bit, day by day, letter by letter. I mailed off a letter and a art card today and it felt great holding the heft of a stuffed envelope in my hands. Maybe my other resolution should be to start collecting snail mail addresses in preparation for departure?

But for now, my permanent status should you check my FB account, will be: busy writing letters.