turning towards simplicity

While the calendar says otherwise, today marks the end of our summer. 

the thermometer also indicates summer still has us - and this poor bunny! - in her fiery grasp!

Today Cowgirl had a half day orientation at her new Middle School. Tomorrow is the official First Day.

Middle School.  Yes, I am clutching my heart as I type those words.  I am also trying my very best to remember that my middle school experience (level one of Dante's Inferno) has no bearing upon what her experience will be. 

Still. Cataclysmic changes here.  To mark the end of our summer break, the three of us went to see the movie Pete's Dragon.  It is an incredibly sweet, lovely movie.  It was especially wonderful as we were the only three people in the theater.  A private screening if you will for my dragon daughter. It is a gem of a movie in the vein of simple, uncluttered story telling with characters you immediately like.  It was so good the Girl overcame her initial resistance to a furry dragon with a dog-like nose.("Dragons have scales, not fur!")   Overwhelmed by all the nostalgia - end of summer, dragons, little boy happily living wild in the woods - I cried several times. I thought I was sneaky about it, but at the end of the movie my girl outed me. "I heard you crying mom."

Yes, a computer generated dragon brought me to tears. Or rather, it was the moment when Pete, the little boy, separated from his dragon woefully cries "I want to go home!" and then howls like a wolf lonely for his pack.  The emotion of that moment brings me to tears right now. Because the pain of such immense longing touches a tender space of longing within me.

I want to go home. Who hasn't longed to return to the place and time when life felt simpler? When love was clear and connection unquestioned?  I watched my newly minted preteen staggering under the weight of a backpack loaded with school supplies making her way towards a middle school that I swear looked ready to swallow her up. In that moment I wanted nothing more than to whisk her back to age 2 ... to the summer cottage where I bathed her every morning in the kitchen sink (there was only an outdoor shower.) 

I want to go back to the time when my mother bathed me in the kitchen sink of a different summer cottage. 

Of course nostalgia and memories tidy away the confusion and chaos.  But such simplicity can be a practice and every day I have a choice to turn towards it.  Pete's dragon  can make himself invisible. He chooses to reveal himself to those whose hearts allow them to see the dragon for who he really is: not a dangerous monster but a loving, playful and loyal friend. 

The world feels crazy right now ... it seems like the way forward requires making choices that require sacrificing our dreams or ideals.  In the movie (spoiler alert!) we imagine Pete faces a  similar fate. He cannot stay with his dragon in the woods and so it seems he will have to  leave that world behind. Except ... he doesn't. He can have both worlds: the human family he misses and the relationship with his dragon - his best friend - Elliot. 

I am determined to create that life for myself and for my family; I am determine to see how I can stay in the simplicity of summer the whole year round. Feeding our dreams every day and every day living in the space of dreams manifesting: that is something I choose to embrace, I choose to feed.  Reconnecting each day with what truly matters and letting go of the internal clutter that confuses or distracts me is part of my practice.  And through practice - whether it be meditation, chanting, painting, running, patio daydreaming - I strengthen the connection between heart, intuition and imagination. 

In our family, we see dragons. I am determined to keep it that way. 

a quiet obsession ...

Sometimes in all the clutter and chaos (hello? are there no holiday wreaths available? Am I that behind?! And how much can I really knit/sew/bake/make in less than two weeks time? Things that could, but don't, keep me up at night. Not yet  ...) comes flashes of clarity ...

The above was painted two years ago and has been quietly working a spell upon me. For in the following year and a half, all of this has been slowly (and steadily) emerging ...

And while I continue to paint dogs (one pooch is currently in progress on my easel) look who has also been herding into my art ...

And I realize I am soo good at distracting myself, wandering off course while thinking I know my way ... and then there is this moment of realization ... that the way has been consistently presenting itself to me. My secret, unspoken desire has made itself clear to me, finally. It is time to give it my full attention.

Back to the easel for me ... painting on a deadline (amazing, I can actually call up and ask if my work is wanted for a show and wow! Yes happens!) 

What whispers are you ready to heed? What is asking to come into light or life? What steps can you take to show up for its birth?

Giddy up!  xo 

(in gratitude for friends who ask me "What would it look like to have a studio filled with your art?" and who remind me to allow my work the opportunity to stand in its own light. You know who you are and I love you for being such a brilliant mirror for me.)

a dream-come-true

It has occurred to me that all our dreams do come true. Or at very least, the ones worth holding, nurturing, and carrying forward through the long haul of days, weeks and years. It is the dreams made way-back-when that perhaps slip the mind, so that when they finally do manifest, I fail to recognize their origin as a deep-seeded and heart-felt wish.

Thankfully, watching my girl often puts me in connection with my girl-self. And when I remember my child-self, I realize dreams really do come true. It just takes some time. 

But in the realm of dreaming, time is a very free form thing.

 

bountiful harvest

Have I mentionned I love October?

Of course, it is my birthday month ... and Halloween ... but truly my favorite aspect of this season is The Great Pumpkin!

This past weekend, Cowgirl and I made our annual pilgrimage to our favorite pumpkin patch.  Here in the Midwest, pumpkin patches can be big business.  We live minutes away from the major attraction for our region, but we've only gone there once.  Instead, we head north to our old neighborhood and the family farm that we've been visiting every year since Cowgirl's arrival. 

While the bargains still abound (a trunk full of pumpkins for $10) this once well-kept secret is no longer our quiet, little family space.  Even the owner seemed weary of the crowds despite the fact business is booming and the fields already emptied of pumpkins with weeks to go until Halloween.

I just love the fullness, the jaunty spirit and robust glee of a pumpkin (or gourd), don't 
you?

 

This year feels particular rich and bountiful as I find myself engaged in many colorfully abundant, radiant and heart-filling adventures.  There is my Mandala circle  (still time to join!) that is becoming quite a playground of experiences for myself and others.  

Octopus mandala in progress ....

There is the Fearless Sisters Oracle Deck project that is such an offering of love and a testimony to the power of collaboration. 

And I am excited to share ... drum roll ...

image from Dirty-Footprints Studio

I am rather gobsmacked to be part of this group of woman, many of whom are mentors, inspirations, dear sisters and friends.  They are a rockin' group of creatives and this Spring's offering of 21 Secrets by Dirty Footprints Studio looks to be incroyable! The offering will be delivered via a downloadable ebook which means you have access forever to the workshop teachings, videos and visual materials.

Say what?!

I know ... 21 different instructors, 21 classes to dive into and explore.  What is my contribution?  You guessed it Mandala Meditation and Play. Full descriptions of each offering can be found here.

(Full disclosure: This is an affiliate program which means if you follow the links from my page or the 21 Secrets button on my sidebar and then purchase the course, I will be receiving a percentage of that sale.  Another aspect of the generosity and abundance of collaboration, cooperation and mutual inspiration.) 

Great pumpkins indeed!  Rolling in the bounty ...

 
Proof positive that dangerous thoughts, acts of daring and whispers from the heart do bring about abundant flow.  Even if it is only in pumpkins and girls.  But I love this view, don't you?
 

Dream big my friends ... and be prepared for those dreams to grow!

ukulele dreams

Every once and awhile, the Universe throws me a juicy bone!  I opened the morning paper to discover my ukulele hero Jake Shimabukuro would be performing locally that weekend and at a small, intimate venue. I called for Cowgirl, sat her in front of the laptop and had her watch the video of Jake playing While My Guitar Gently Weeps on ukulele. I believe when her mouth wasn't hanging open, she was saying "wow!"  That confirmed I was buying us tickets and three nights later, we were at the show.

I'm not sure I can explain why it was such a powerful experience for me.  He is an amazing performer and the passion and pleasure and joy with which he plays is evident the moment he bounces onto the stage.  The sounds he coaxes from those four strings is not to be believed.  But what resonated with me was the immense gratitude he voiced when he shared with us his wonder at being able to share what he loves with so many.  And that what kick started his career was the above mentioned YouTube video going viral.  

It was a reminder - a much needed reminder for me - to hang on to my dreams, follow  passion and to not allow set backs and challenges to cause me to loosen my grip.  In fact, when an obstacle presents itself, that is when I need to grab on tighter and reaffirm my commitment to myself and my work. 

Sadly, I didn't think to bring our sky blue ukulele, so we had nothing for Jake to sign.  But the line was long and we watched him enthusiastically greet each person even though he played closed to 2 hours without a break!  Next time ... and by then, we will have a few more chords under our belts.

It was also a beautiful lesson for Cowgirl to find something you love to do and follow that as far as it will carry you.  Not for the accolades or the fans or critic's approval; but for the possibilities of living full out joy-filled living, and watching how that energy ripples out and impacts others to live life with similar passion and celebration.

Thank you Universe ... and Jake.  The generosity of his spirit cracked opened my tired heart.  His gift is he does make you believe ...

Cowgirl and I both needed the buzz of that only a ukulele can bring: one part bubbling inspiration, one part soul stirring expression, topped with a cherry-bright experience of the optimist's gift - the magical yearnings of a child's heart made manifest and filling the air one note after joyful note.


 

Integrating ...

At least, that is what I am telling myself these days.  After a whirlwind trip fulfilling a bucket list wish ("return" having been added to my updated list - such is the nature of lists!), returning home sans job, sans my dear friend has been unsettling.  I guess I am trying to find my post-change land legs and am still wobbly.

I hope that I am integrating and not procrastinating.  It gives me no small comfort (and fair measure of oh-shit-ness) to read this account of current astrological events (thank you Mel!)  

Complicating matters, Cowgirl's school year ended and the Husband went out of town (his turn) so my life appears much like a basket of laundry tossed up in the air and strewn across the floor.  I am stepping gingerly over the bits, trying to figure out what needed tidying away, what needs mending, what needs replacing.

Sitting in the spaciousness of you can do anything is fairly nerve-wracking for me.  My knee-jerk reaction is to querulously reply: yeah ... why?!

I suppose I can claim I am in an astrological funk ... a post-wonderful rebalancing of life with dream.  I am aware I am standing on a threshold of sorts and am not very good at patiently waiting ... I am a needer of signs and I fear the Universe probably believes it is in my best interests to wean me of such external support.  Like a toddler loving to cruise, I have to break away from the soft support of the couch and brave the hazards of hard floors, sharp edges and unexpected falls. 

Yesterday I set my alarm and staggered downstairs in the dim light of dawn to write.  I am familiar with the gaping void of the empty page, but wasn't expecting the painful burn of the white laptop screen.  There is challenge and then there is torment. Rising above the din of my despair (How could I ever have believed I could do this?) was the voice of Anne Lamott screaming "Shitty first draft! Shitty first draft!"

My toddler self obliged and while I am fairly confident shit is what I spread across that glaring white page, I know I must expect such shaky beginnings and not dwell upon the vast expanse I want to cover, but rather stay focused upon this step ... and the next ... and the next. For if I want anything to shift in my life, it is my relationship with Time and the present moment.  

In these early days of re-calibration, I am already aware of a growing ease with the present moments of my day. Not rushing through things, but allowing myself to linger in the spaces of timelessness with my girl: sunset walks, bedtime stories, morning cuddles, and afternoons at the pool - me with my magazine, her with new friends and the thrill of cool water. 

So for all of us rising daily to create our dreams, I offer as support this little bit of support and encouragement:

STAY FIERCE!

FIGHT FOR AND DEFEND YOUR DREAMS!

anatomy of a dream

All of the very best decisions I've made in my life were the result of a flash of an idea, an instantaneous knowing this is what I should do. 

Which is not to say doubt or obstacles or what the hell are you thinking? doesn't immediately follow upon the heels of inspiration.

The trick has been to speak out loud the idea, to bring it into light of some kind (ideally involving another person who then holds me accountable to my plan) and to began making movement towards the dream, all the while acknowledging but tactfully disregarding the gremlins of doubt who whisper a steady stream of reasons imploring me to cease and desist.  

Confirmation of the rightness of my plan comes with each step I take towards it.  A frisson of excitement and fuck! I AM doing this! mingle with the ever-fading gremlin's taunts. And then there comes a moment when I step fully and completely into my dream and the weight of any doubt or fear tangibly lifts off of my being and I sail forward into a technicolor Now.  

Growth and vitality and heart-full expansion are possibilities held within the seeds of such dreams.

There is nothing more technicolor brilliant than the embrace and smile of a dear friend received in the green of her world.

Leaving my job, embarking upon uncharted territory of self-employment (or radical self empowerment?) has been a disorienting experience and as things have turned out, I completely upended myself by traveling down under the next day after my departure.

It seems it was the perfect time for a new perspective upon my life.

Traveling to New Zealand (a bucket list item if ever there was one!) I brought with me wise companions whose words helped frame my experience (the following quotes are from John O'Donohue's Greenbelt festival talks):

An interesting question to ask yourself: How open are you to the mystery of your own beauty and the incredible depth that is your life? 

Behind every face there is something eternal going on and that's the magic ... no one has seen the script for anyone else's life. What are you doing to the life that you have?

You are a custodian of sacred thresholds on which you alone stand.

 

If you were to clearly explain to your heart how brief your time in the world is, what are the things your heart would make you stop doing right now?

What (or who) would you immediately embrace?

 


If you look after the hungers of your heart, then everything else comes alive around you. 

 
Every person is the holder of incredible possibilities ...

 
From Pema Chodron The Wisdom of No Escape: Navajo teach their children that every morning when the sun comes up, it's a brand new sun. It's born each morning, it lives for the duration of one day, and in the evening it passes on, never to return again. As soon as the children are old enough to understand, the adults take them out at dawn and they say, "The sun has only one day. You must live this day in a good way, so that the sun won't have wasted precious time."  Acknowledging the preciousness of each day is a good way to live, a good way to reconnect with our basic joy.

This was a week of dreams.  Reflecting upon the process of how I got from here to there, I appreciate all the signs - the excitement, the doubts, the anticipation, the questions - that remind me I am on to something big, something important, something that I believe was a possibility made manifest.  

An ancient master said, "I do not say that there is no Zen, but that there is no Zen teacher." You must trust yourself in all endeavors and have faith to put your feet in motion. (Karen Maezen Miller Hand Wash Cold)

Simply stated: I had a dream, really an inkling of a dream.  I trust in my dream and in myself.  I took a step - many steps - and found myself received by a beloved friend.  Another friend recently wrote me, marveling at that very word beloved which I had stamped onto a prayer flag for her. The one we behold, we love but what I hadn't thought about and which this other dear one pointed out is that broken down, it becomes  be loved.

Listening to my heart, following its guidance, seeking my beloved friend, I opened myself up to being loved. I fully and gratefully received that gift ... and now I dare to pass it on.

What journeys might your heart implore you to follow?  How can you take a small step forward today?

Not the end, but a new beginning (and I cannot resist ...)

So much gratitude for the generosity, the beauty, and the immense and fierce love that is Jane Cunningham.  Thank you sister for sharing with me your world and for fortifying my heart.  Not enough words to encompass all that I want to share ... but I know, you know ... deep in the stone ... you know. (to learn about Jane's upcoming and always amazing e-courses, visit her at Women's Soul Workshops.  Her Facing the Minotaur e-course has been rocking my inner archetypes  ... in a good way!)