finding my rhythm

I wish I could say the absence of any sustained writing appearing on this blog was due to my pounding away at other projects.

Alas, I am here to confess: first grade is whipping my butt.

I know, it is meant to be challenging The Girl and it is - but in order to keep her moving along this mama is having to run alongside her much like a third base coach yelling his runner into home base.

First there are the weekly spelling tests. Because my child is "gifted" and honest, she tests out of the A-list (the "easier" list as she knows it) and is thus burdened by the onerous B-list. (She is honest - or naive - as she doesn't fail the pretest on purpose as a friend's son has figured out to do.)

So B-list it is. And I am wondering about the relevancy of that list. This past week she had (and misspelled) the word splint. Do doctor's still use splints? And even so, how many 7-year olds come across the word splint in their reading? So far, no splints in Frog and Toad or Little Bear.

But each week we blunder on. blunder ... that would be a good B-list word.

Then there are the craft projects which you would think this crafty mama would enjoy. Well, no. First of all, the project slips come home with usually only a week's lead time. As we live far from the craft store, a visit for supplies requires some planning and no small amount of mental/emotional preparation on my part. Perhaps we will reach a state of stasis whereby we will have all the pipe cleaners, popsicle sticks and raffia required?

We have made scarecrows, pet portraits, and animal habitats among other things. I actually assigned the last project - the creation of a shoebox habitat for a robin - to The Husband. (Not that I wasn't involved; knowing he would put it off until the final day, I was prompting Cowgirl through the week to tackle elements of the project like drawing a robin and gathering sticks.)

They are both pretty proud of it:

It was a two fingers-injured (The Husband's) affair. Advice-that-one-apparently-does-have-to-state-to-Husband: do not let a 7-year old handle a hot glue gun.

Have I mentioned the social events of a first grader? Bounce gym, bowling alley, dress-up shop parties just to name the most recent few.

This what I remember of first grade: Mary, Mike and Jane books; worksheets matching rabbits with the correct number of carrots; wearing pants under my skirts as one never knew when petticoat day might be happening (that's when boys pull up your skirt to see your underwear - a phobia I am just now realizing has affected me quite profoundly); parties at home with peanut butter and jelly sandwiches; and a mock election to teach us about the upcoming Presidential election: Nixon versus Humphrey. (For the non-American reader: let's just say the Beatles were still a band that year.)

All of this mama-business aside, I have been able to poke my head above the clutter of elmer's glue, tissue paper and bottle caps and make some useful observations about myself and my life. The biggest revelation is an understanding of the cycles and rhythms that I move through as well as an awareness of how the larger cycles of the seasons and life move through and affect me. Ironically, I am coming to understand all of this as my own body shifts out of what had been a very regular rhythm and lurches into the erratic.

Initially, I was disturbed by the unpredictability of my cycles. But what I have learned is to be more sensitive and alert to feelings and sensations of my body and my emotions. The dialogue with my body has deepened and I am learning to be more attentive to its needs. Equally important is understanding my emotional/creative cycles. This piece of wisdom came as a gift from a very plump little caterpillar.

#44 in my series 49 by 49

I was walking the dog when I noticed a jolly green caterpillar making his way across the sidewalk. Caterpillars always put me back into the mindset of a child. I paused and watched as he methodically made his way across the concrete and into the grass. I started thinking about a book Cowgirl has called "The Very Hungry Caterpillar." It then struck me that I have been in a caterpillar phase: gobbling up everything I can to feed me in preparation for the time in the cocoon. While I had been thinking I was directionless - dabbling in too many mediums, gobbling up ecourses and dining in multiple social sites like ning groups or secret Facebook clusters - what I have been doing is fattening myself up creatively in order to move into a period of gestation and transformation.

So as we move deeper into the stillness of Autumn that threatens to merge prematurely into Winter, I am feeling the pull to cocoon myself and I'm okay with it. Perhaps there will be some new growth, but within a safe space.

Meanwhile, we girls continue to play. Or are we feeding ourselves?





Munch, munch ...

Cowgirl's trademark "Blue Thunder" monster truck;
that's "Hey man" at the bottom (well, Hay man!)

considering a sunflower series

Happy cocoon building!

birthday moments

It was a quietly grand day. I got to sleep in late. The Husband walked the dog. I had the morning to myself which I needed as I had one more painting to do in order to complete my 49 by 49 series. Yes, I thrive on deadlines.









I had one moment of panic when I thought I had miscounted and only had 48 pieces completed. One was hiding. I also realized I had painted two Kuan Yins (one can never have enough compassion I guess) although I am thinking the second one (painting number 48) might be my own goddess - Moon Goddess who has brought about all the major miracles in my life.









I debated who should be the last painting (of course, in essence my guides and guardians will continue expand as long as I continue to open to guidance and growth in my life.) Krishna or Shiva? I like the idea of Krishna - the lord of devotion, love, Bhakti yoga. Wooing the gopis, the cowgirls, playing his flute and invoking inspired dance and singing, he is a groovy god.

Alas, my path - my nature - is more closely aligned with Shiva. The cycle of creation, destruction and transformation - that seems to be the major theme of my life. Dedication, commitment, practice and the challenge to these principles - I call them Life's pop quizzes - these principles are the framework to how I live. As I end one phase of my life, I am opening to the next cycle. So Shiva (who is also Nataraja - "Lord of the Dance" so there is a little funky groove in there) completed my series.







My gratitude to all who made my day so bright and full of love. Truly, I feel blessed in my life to have so many bright lights illuminating my world. I felt a huge cosmic embrace yesterday. I know my mission in the coming year is to be sure and add my squeeze to that almighty hug.

As it was also the day of Cowgirl's school Halloween parade and party, I decided the best way to honor myself and the day was through pictures. Some taken with my new Lens Baby, my gift from The Husband.

Cowgirl's gift to me: one of 2 paper snowflakes
(she excels in the art of Chinese paper cutting!)

a bounty of unexpected gifts

a fluke shot - but it accurately captures the mood of a Halloween parade
(Cowgirl and her buddy are black cats this year)

party activity: decorating graham cracker houses -
not for the tidy at heart!
(look at that radioactive frosting! and there multiple shades of orange, blue and purple)

Cowgirl's Gaudi-inspired house - love dem bones!

funny, we can't say the word vampire in front of her ... but she can pretend to be one!

Halloween, here we come! The question remains: who will I be this year?

Whomever I choose to be!

gentle teachers (or teacher, please be gentle ...)

Owl which hung in my room when i was a child

My mother has been in the hospital for the past week.

I write that and then pause. I want to add a big BUT ... to temper this reality with what? Something easy to hold? Easier for the heart to carry?

My mother is in the hospital and the outcome is uncertain. And without the illusion of certainty (is anything truly certain in life?) I find myself walking a tightrope over a deep canyon of fear.

Fear is tricky; fear masquerades as some kind of solid reality albeit a reality we don't want. The mind wants something to hang onto and fear slyly slips itself into the mind and says "Here, let me fill the empty space for you." But to push away from the experience of fear is to empower it through our resistance.

The truth is my mother is 86 years old, has enjoyed good health all of her life, is sharp as a tack, is still finding humor in the midst of dark uncertainty and is not ready to give up. But she is tired. And she is grappling with her beliefs about life and death, a conversation I try to interject my thoughts into but which ultimately is a hers alone to articulate and rest in.

While waiting (hospitals are nothing if not a place to practice waiting) I dipped into Anam Cara by John O'Donohue. " When your senses open out to the world, the first presence they encounter is the presence of your soul." Huddled in a freezing room, my body curled in for warmth but also to protect myself from the palpable presence of anxiety circulating through the captive patients and family members, I became aware how we shut ourselves off when presented with fear and uncertainty. Open, present, aware - I was none of these. I was oblivious to the power and presence of the soul; I caught in the trap of resistance which causes me to contract inwardly while support and guidance reside in opening myself up.

"It is a startling truth that how you see and what you see determine how and who you will be."








Today I saw the morning mist upon the window. I noticed small bird feathers in the grass. I saw a rainbow on my daughter's pillow. I took in the unexpected delight of my morning glory plant finally blooming. I saw beauty, I beheld hope and the gift of life evolving and unfolding in its own manner. I held my mother's bruised hand, I wiped away the blood that seeped from her fingertip, and I witnessed and shared her tears. I look upon her and I acknowledge the fragility and immense stamina that living requires of us.

Bhumi or Mother Earth - #33 for 49 by 49

Life is a series of teachers presenting themselves to me. The challenge is to stay open for the lessons and not contract or resist what comes before me. Because come, it will.

I've been thinking about the presence of Rabbit in my life. Often I see them huddled in the grass, temporarily frozen as they attune to what is lurking at the edges of their awareness. I used to think they illustrate the notion of being frozen by fear. I am beginning to think they are still and present, awaiting more information before responding. Rather than run around reacting to a perceived threat, they sit in that space of unknowing and wait. It is a difficult place to be and my habit is action but I am seeing the wisdom in abiding. My tendency is to give out, but I am learning to wait, listen, and receive. And to look with a softened gaze that takes in a fuller view.

In this period of acute waiting, I am drawing upon the practices and teachings that have guided me thus far for strength; I take comfort and gain insight from new practices I am learning in the SouLodge. I attempt to keep my gaze clear, my heart open, my mind calm.


I am being comforted by Bear - her appearance in my life coinciding with the realization that sources of mothering can be found around and within myself;

bear - #34 for 49 by 49

I am cleansed and fortified by Rosemary and other plants who remind me to tend to my emotion and physical needs;











my medicine staff reminds me to keep my balance and that on this journey there is much sustain and hold me;











I meditate with Selenite and receive the gift of acceptance and welcoming for all my teachers.









I feel the support of my sisters in the Lodge, my Painting Tribe, and my friends here who provide this circle of space that affords me the opportunity to be witnessed and understood.









This is all I can do. It is a tough task. I am finding that to bow to what life presents me, honoring the flux of emotions and reactions that well up and then wash out, I am able to stay on my tightrope and not fall under the spell of fear. Not that fear isn't my companion right now, but I am still leading the way, allowing the wisdom and healing power of my heart to speak to me.

invoking sacred spirit

The dwindling days of summer create a yearning to dive deeper in while there is still time. This weekend a wonderful confluence of opportunities allowed me to do just that.

Crazy to think I've been away from this spiritual oasis far too long:

Power of Love temple with Ganesh ceramic mural

Friday night I made the 45 minute pilgrimage to another world (crossing the swollen river - poetic implications beyond my skills at this moment) to attend a Havan or Vedic fire ceremony. A time to symbolically cleanse myself of accumulated negativity and put forth my prayers and intentions for this period of my life.



















It was a return to my spiritual roots, a chance to reaffirm my need for sangha or community and commit to returning more regularly. It was the night before the full moon and I left feeling lighter, clearer and resolved to reinvigorate my practices. On the return drive, I saw a shooting star just as I re-crossed the river which I took as confirmation of the rightness of my actions.

Earlier that day Cowgirl and I made prayer ties, a practice introduced to us through SouLodge. I chose fabrics from my mother's stash of quilting squares, settling upon colors reminiscent of the colors of the seven chakras. I took a little license using pink - the color that represents balance within all the chakras - inside of white for the crown center. We filled each bundle with tobacco and offered our prayers for the coming school season. We took turns making our offerings, then said our prayers together as I tied each one up.








Cowgirl knew immediately where our prayer garland should hang - in the tree above our fairy circle. And there our wishes and prayers dance in the late summer breeze.









Savoring all these moments, I took time today to continue with my 49 by 49 project. Each card is a meditation and celebration of the spirit guides, guardians, teachers who have presented themselves to me. I have 32 completed with a little over two months to finish the final 17. I am finding my awareness of my guides grows stronger every day. At times, it feels like they are queuing up to teach me!

top row: crow, lizard, horse
middle row: Kuan Yin, praying mantis, Hathor
bottom row: Durga, coyote, spider

This is what I love: weaving together familiar rituals and traditions with new practices; creating a kind of homemade spiritual stew that fills my soul and brings me home to myself.

What rituals or practices nurture you? I believe it's time to update our cookbooks.

welcome visitors

Instructions for living a life:

Pay attention.

Be astonished.

Tell about it.

- Mary Oliver

I am welcoming my teachers with open arms:

Aine - Celtic goddess of love and light, transformed into a fairy queen when the old ways were driven out of Ireland, she represents for me survival. She is a summer goddess, evoking fertility and the continuing power of magical ways which are available to those with a heart willing to accept and believe in its own power.

I have to confess: this season of unsettled weather has had me on edge. Seeking some sense of control, I gathered favorite herbs, mixed them in a bowl while singing a yoga chant of protection and then headed out to the fairy circle in the back of our yard. There, I offered my prayer for protection while also acknowledging the power and the gifts of nature. I thanked the fairies for all they do and then walked the perimeter of our yard singing my song and bringing into my heart the blessings of my home and all the life - the birds, animals, plants, and insects as well as the earth and air deities - who share this space with my family. Having acknowledged the gifts received, I do feel more at ease with whatever happens.

Moth - A recent visitor, although now I am seeing moth everywhere. I pulled the Moth card and that day went into work and rescued a moth from my office. A day later, I got out of my car and found a pure white moth lying on the ground. Nocturnal by nature, moth represents intuitive knowing over intellectual understanding. For me the gift of moth is understanding that we always move towards the light. My actions may be less than skillful, but the intention, the faith and the determination are always there.

Mouse - While hawk is one of my main totem guides, mouse - like rabbit - is a necessary companion. Hawk represents a more spacious awareness or presence, useful for someone like me who gets bogged down by details, momentary distractions and discomforts. But it is necessary for me to return to what is causing me anxiety, to explore it more intimately, closely so that I might understand what rests underneath it all. Mouse is about paying attention to what is right before me and giving my full attention to the details of my life. And then knowing when it is best to return to my hole and take refuge, allowing the wider perspective of hawk to help fill in my experience, my understanding of what is true in my life.

If you cannot find the truth right where you are, where else do you expect to find it? - Master Dogen

What is astonishing you today? What visitors come bearing gifts? Let's share the bounty of our experience.

receiving

I am more comfortable giving than receiving. I genuinely enjoy the act of remembering another through small gestures - card, a phone call, something handmade and personalized - but I have trouble negotiating when I am giving as an act of care and when I am doing so out of a feeling of lack or inadequacy. I tend to rush in, heap all that I have upon another and then squirm away. I am aware that my habit of giving too much is a way of padding myself, as if by bearing gifts and doing for others, I will enhance my self worth.

In yoga the first pose we learn is tadasana or mountain pose. Generally, there are two habits in this pose: to either hang back in the heels or lean forward into the balls of the feet. I am a leaner ... anxious to take off, get moving and keep moving. Waiting, resting, abiding are not my natural states. Receiving is uncomfortable for me as it brings up my doubt that I am deserving of this gift, praise, complement or attention.

As I practice slowing down, resting and being, I find I must also practice receiving. Starting off small, I am attentive to the quieter gifts bestowed upon me. Working with animal medicine, reflecting upon the guides and teachers who manifest daily in my life, I am allowing more space to receive and hold their messages. Here are some of those gifts manifesting through my meditation practice and 49 by 49:









Aeracura, Celtic earth goddess associated with blossoming, change, abundance, growth and learning. I draw this card quite frequently and she reminds me to savor the season or phase I am in and to not rush things. Her gift is for me to trust in my process and in the unfolding of my life. She helps me pause and notice abundance in my life and in my being.









Frog medicine is about cleansing and metamorphosis. My place for retreat is a marshy area in the public garden where I go to paint, read, or write. The pond there is filled with frogs and their gift for me is to understand the times when I need to slip quietly through my world, blending in and resting and when I am to croak or call out for the energies I need to create or to join with others. Care of emotions and not getting stuck in illusions of permanence are the reminders frog brings to me. When the pond is quiet, I am amazed to find dozens of frogs have silent slipped onto lily pads without my being aware of their action. Other times, the air vibrates with the sound of their song yet not a single frog is visible.









Elephant has been a favorite friend my entire life. Recently, Cowgirl and I saw the movie Born to Be Wild and I was reminded that elephants are incredibly sensitive and caring creatures. In the movie a herd of orphaned elephants knew the exact time to journey to meet new members of herd. Elephant represents the connection to ancient wisdom and understanding available to us all when we live in harmony with nature. Gentleness, patience, endurance - these are all gifts from elephant and are essential qualities to evoke on this path of spiritual healing and wholeness. Learning to listen is another aspect elephant medicine. It goes without saying, I am a talker, often confusing a need to speak with my desire to feel understood.

Another lesson of elephant that I am just realizing is the need for connection and community as the ground for deeper healing. Tara Brach's beautiful teachings in Radical Self Acceptance point out that our wounds occur when we feel disconnected or cut off and that our healing will arise through relationship and understanding the interconnectedness of all life. Seeking out my herd or tribe has been a huge part of my journey these past two years and I am beginning to fully understand its contribution to my inner spiritual growth.

As I sit holding all these gifts I find it necessary to touch their meaning and then let go. As quickly as one gift is received, a new one rises up for me to discover. I am learning to lean back, wait and trust.

Perhaps this is the work of my soul fairy? I put my worries under my pillow and she brings me the gifts I need, the ability to see them and an open heart ready to receive the gifts of this day.

Monday Inspiration Celebration: being your own teacher

Ten years ago I attended a yoga workshop lead by the world famous yogini Angela Farmer. A friend had given me a copy of her dvd The Feminine Unfolding in which Farmer talks about her journey and specifically how she came to follow and trust her own inner guidance and experience. What struck me was Farmer's use of language, her emphasis upon self discovery through experimentation and encouragement to cultivate the teacher within you.

The workshop exceeded my expectations and was pivotal in my approach to teaching and practicing yoga. Recently, I have come to understand how it is informing my creative and spiritual work. One piece of advice that Farmer gave us and has stuck with me is this:

if you have a choice between taking a class or doing your own practice, always choose your own practice.

Oddly enough, this is pretty a radical departure in how most people practice yoga in our country. Anyone who considers themselves a serious yogi/yogini probably believes they must attend regular classes, follow the guidelines or posture sequence or flow series of the school of yoga that they study. Classes and guidance of an experienced teacher are invaluable but ultimately there comes a time when one needs to tune in to their inner guidance, trust themselves to know what is needed and follow that direction.








The same is true for one following a creative path. And I think this is why is has been difficult for me to wrap my mind around the idea of trying to market my creativity: for me, making art is about processing my life and experiences through creative expression; it is a means of coming to understand myself and my history in a new way. Through the process of creating, I approach emotions, memories, experiences from a new angle, one which generates integration of past with present, often resulting in healing at a deep emotional and spiritual level.

I have found this especially true as I attempt to write poetry. Working on a piece about visiting my father before he died, I found myself remembering the visit from the angle of trying to capture the details: the emotions, the expectations, and the actions. It was like like dumping over a drawer, seeing the contents all jumbled up and repacking them in a manner that makes sense today. Going through that process, I had insight into my motivations that I wasn't aware of at the time. Pulling it all out and putting it together was incredibly healing for me.

Is it art that anyone may want to buy or own? That doesn't matter to me right now. And I'm not saying it is it wrong to try to want to make a living from your work but for what I do, the value resides not so much in the finished product but the journey I take getting there.

I am also discovering how my interest in animal medicine has helped me develop a greater trust of my intuitive skills and of my ability to ask the questions I need to ask and then to hear the answers. While there are guide books and oracle cards to use in practice, ultimately working with this medicine is all about sharpening my awareness, seeing the signs, and trusting my judgement and experience. Just as yoga teaches, the answers we seek are to be found within ourselves and not given to us by another. The relationship is between oneself and Great Spirit. Nothing more is needed.

Yes, as I am, I have all I need to be enough.

These are the ideas that manifested in my pieces for my series 49 by 49:







Cordelia, the celtic fairy goddess of Spring and Summer blossoms counsels to find balance in life by spending time in nature and to stand firm in one's beliefs. She represents the beauty found when one is authentic, blooming in their unique manner and form.








Ixchel is the Mayan Moon goddess and a powerful healer. By practicing Reiki I am tapping into her energy and acknowledging the reality of Unity and Flow within all life including me. This has be a difficult practice for me to accept: for the longest time I did not trust I was doing it right or "getting it." But patience and practice have lead me to understand the quiet power of this work, accepting I too am capable of experiencing its gifts.








Angela Farmer told us anything and anyone could be our teacher and certainly Dog has been a constant guide throughout my life. I think all I need to say is summed up in these lines responding to the prompt golden boy, a piece inspired by my previous springer and my Moose boy:

My golden boy,

you taught me

we always return

to our hearts’ home

but detours are fun,

pleasure is a bone

well chewed,

smelling takes place in time,

guard what is yours,

offer the soft belly of you

to those you trust,

and understand

patience is a prerequisite

for love.

How do you honor the teacher within you? Is that a voice you inherently trust or have you had to cultivate that relationship? Always, choose your own practice, choose yourself.