seeking graceland

Lest I forget (which indeed I am prone to doing in this twilight phase that is perimenopause) right off the bat I want to thank all who have passed on words of support and encouragement to me regarding my flight into freedom decision to quit my day job.  While I every fiber of my being knows it is the right choice at the right time, there still are some woefully old-fashioned gremlins of doubt and doom popping up.  I keep thinking of whack-a-mole (horrible game passing as amusement for children!) My fortune may be made in whack-a-gremlin which I am getting pretty good at these days.

I certainly floated through last week feeling stoned.  Must be the disorientation of life without frustration or apathy bearing down upon me.  Colleagues have confided in me that they too would leave - if only they could.  

If I had any doubts about my decision, that all changed on Friday when I received the shocking and unexpected news that a dear friend, a teacher, mentor and fairy godmother to Cowgirl had passed away.  She was only in her early sixties and had taught classes on nutrition, herbs, yoga, meditation and all things geared towards immaculate well-being. The loss to my community is immense; it is equivalent to hearing "Elvis has left the building."  That she passed on the evening of the full moon - THE full moon with lunar eclipse and all kinds of cosmic and personal upheavel/shifts -  makes total sense.  She would be the person to grab a seat on the bullet train into a new dimension, no question about it.

her spiritual name is Kadambari which means "Intoxicated with Love"
This was the first time Cowgirl met her fairy godmother and the love was instantaneous. My friend was not surprised "Oh, we knew each other before."  Indeed, we all had.

Her passing was a reminder not to put off doing those things that pique my curiosity and not to waste time squabbling with one's gremlins and internal nay-sayers.  I had a meeting scheduled with her to discuss ideas for classes I wanted to offer at her wellness center.  She had new programs coming up and I was thinking maybe now I would have the time to take them.  Well, there wasn't time.  


So her greatest gift to me may very well be this reminder to make time for that which matters and not squander my time and attention on matters that ultimately are inconsequential.  She could be frank and blunt at times and she often counseled "The opportunity is now and if you don't grab it, it will be gone."  This in reference to opportunities for inner work, growth, understanding and healing.  If she could say anything right now, I believe she would say "It's time to grow up."  Indeed, our planet, our societies need us all to grow up, take responsibility and take care of ourselves and each other.

I don't know if I am still in free fall or have landed on strange, new ground.  But I feel a certainty within that is rather shocking given my tendency to think and rethink and map out every little thing in an attempt to understand all the angles. As a friend said to me "You leapt, but you considered it very closely."  Indeed, I looked over that edge, calculating the distance between me and the ground for a long, long time.  

I  know in my heart that I am on my path and in addition to leaving my job, I've left behind second-guessing myself and my abilities.  That is something my sister/friend always pointed out to me: I did not understand my true light, my true gifts.  I still may not know how best to share myself, but I know what I have to offer. The breadcrumb trail is there and I have no qualms about following it to wherever it will lead me.  

Meanwhile, I am all aflutter as I finish up my last week (!) on the job and prepare for a big adventure my first day of freedom.  I am traveling to New Zealand to soak up the radiance of this wonder woman and as it now turns out, to heal and nurture my self.  For some reason, travel always provokes the desire to tie up loose ends, tackling tasks that I've blissfully ignored for months but which now seem oddly pressing.  My other travel  obsession centers upon packing; somehow it becomes imperative to bring the right shoes and jewelry and books (and coats and art supplies and knitting materials.)  Checking out my favorite linen pants to make sure they don't have butt wear (am I the only one who experiences this?  The bottoms of well-loved linen pants become a transparent gauze from what?  Butt friction?  Kundalini energy smoldering?)

As I look to support myself through all these changes, I am grateful for the tools I have gathered: painting, reiki, meditation, dear friends who I can trust to receive my words, hold space for the overflow of feelings and thoughts.  My family and the daily practices that root us - bedtime stories, cuddles, and whispers for sweet dreams. 

Music and poetry provide more voices counseling and reassuring me.   I keep hearing Paul Simon singing "Losing love is like a window on your heart ... everybody sees you're blown apart ... everybody sees the wind blow ..."


I'm bound for graceland and I promise to take pictures and share what I discover on the way.

Jai Bhagwan - victory to the light within us all. Go gently sister Moon ... we'll meet again ...  this I know with my whole heart.

one wish ...

One of the more frustrating aspects of parenting is the futile attempt to try an impart some hard-earned wisdom to your child.  I say futile because anything of value I know, I had to learn for myself through challenges and difficulties.  But as a mother I still hold out the hope that I might be able to spare my child some of the more odious parts of the journey if she would just listen to me.


If I've learned anything, it is that the phrase "I found out the hard way" holds no credibility if it comes from a parent's mouth.  I swear, she hears the "Wah Wah" voice of the adults in Peanuts cartoons whenever I try to tell something of value. It is the eyes rolling, head wagging gesture that gives her away.


But I discovered that lessons told through stories do sink in.  In Mighty Girl art camp we listened to a story about a girl and a magic necklace and Cowgirl keeps mentioning that story.  "Remember the mean girls mommy?"  Some jealous and mean girls tricked another girl into tossing her beautiful necklace into a lake.  We're really into mean people getting their comeuppance. The heroine of the story receives a magical necklace through her acts of compassion and caring.  The mean girls end up drowning. 


I'm not sure Cowgirl has grasped the complete moral of this story: in a quick jaunt through the farmer's market I was on a quest for fresh salsa and ended up with a $35 silver heart - a "grown-up"  - necklace which she latched onto.  It was day 4 of daddy being gone and I had one more day to survive and we were headed to my mother's next.  We needed a magic necklace.  


Cowgirl and I have started reading some of the ancient myths and legends.  I had forgotten that it was Pandora who - by opening her box or jar - unleashed illness, suffering and evil into the world.  What I didn't remember ever hearing was this bit: that  Pandora attempted to close the lid but could not put back what she had let loose.  She did, however, close the lid with one thing remaining inside: Hope.  


I've been thinking about the ways Hope manifests in my life.  On the night of the full moon, I made my way to our backyard fairy circle to make an offering.  As I kneeled upon the bark mulch, I could see a hazy full moon through the branches of the crab apple tree - the tree where our prayer ties hang.  I had more of an Eat, Pray, Love moment sobbing to the night for guidance and strength: to find the words, the love, and the space within myself to lovingly care for and support my mother, my daughter, my husband and myself.   I then turned over my burdens to the Universe. If it is folly for me to believe I can control my journey, then it is madness to try to direct another's.


When I went inside, I discovered this note Cowgirl had left for the fairies:

It is a drawing of a Phoenix (we just finished the second Harry Potter book) which she was offering to the fairies.  In exchange for her gift, she asks if she can have a wish. 

can I have a wish maybe - just circle yes or no or maybe

The next day I asked her what her wish might be and she said she had to think about it. Later on she came to me with her wish decided: to fly!  I explained to her that the fairies cannot make us fly in real life, but that they can teach us to fly in our dreams which is much, much better as then we can travel anywhere.  


If I could make one wish, it would be this: to always remember Hope, in its many forms, is the foundation for my life.

 

 

Hope is watching my girl master the cartwheel and, at 49, finally attempting to cartwheel myself. Hope is all I have to offer my mother and it is what will support me in the days ahead. 

receiving

I am more comfortable giving than receiving. I genuinely enjoy the act of remembering another through small gestures - card, a phone call, something handmade and personalized - but I have trouble negotiating when I am giving as an act of care and when I am doing so out of a feeling of lack or inadequacy. I tend to rush in, heap all that I have upon another and then squirm away. I am aware that my habit of giving too much is a way of padding myself, as if by bearing gifts and doing for others, I will enhance my self worth.

In yoga the first pose we learn is tadasana or mountain pose. Generally, there are two habits in this pose: to either hang back in the heels or lean forward into the balls of the feet. I am a leaner ... anxious to take off, get moving and keep moving. Waiting, resting, abiding are not my natural states. Receiving is uncomfortable for me as it brings up my doubt that I am deserving of this gift, praise, complement or attention.

As I practice slowing down, resting and being, I find I must also practice receiving. Starting off small, I am attentive to the quieter gifts bestowed upon me. Working with animal medicine, reflecting upon the guides and teachers who manifest daily in my life, I am allowing more space to receive and hold their messages. Here are some of those gifts manifesting through my meditation practice and 49 by 49:









Aeracura, Celtic earth goddess associated with blossoming, change, abundance, growth and learning. I draw this card quite frequently and she reminds me to savor the season or phase I am in and to not rush things. Her gift is for me to trust in my process and in the unfolding of my life. She helps me pause and notice abundance in my life and in my being.









Frog medicine is about cleansing and metamorphosis. My place for retreat is a marshy area in the public garden where I go to paint, read, or write. The pond there is filled with frogs and their gift for me is to understand the times when I need to slip quietly through my world, blending in and resting and when I am to croak or call out for the energies I need to create or to join with others. Care of emotions and not getting stuck in illusions of permanence are the reminders frog brings to me. When the pond is quiet, I am amazed to find dozens of frogs have silent slipped onto lily pads without my being aware of their action. Other times, the air vibrates with the sound of their song yet not a single frog is visible.









Elephant has been a favorite friend my entire life. Recently, Cowgirl and I saw the movie Born to Be Wild and I was reminded that elephants are incredibly sensitive and caring creatures. In the movie a herd of orphaned elephants knew the exact time to journey to meet new members of herd. Elephant represents the connection to ancient wisdom and understanding available to us all when we live in harmony with nature. Gentleness, patience, endurance - these are all gifts from elephant and are essential qualities to evoke on this path of spiritual healing and wholeness. Learning to listen is another aspect elephant medicine. It goes without saying, I am a talker, often confusing a need to speak with my desire to feel understood.

Another lesson of elephant that I am just realizing is the need for connection and community as the ground for deeper healing. Tara Brach's beautiful teachings in Radical Self Acceptance point out that our wounds occur when we feel disconnected or cut off and that our healing will arise through relationship and understanding the interconnectedness of all life. Seeking out my herd or tribe has been a huge part of my journey these past two years and I am beginning to fully understand its contribution to my inner spiritual growth.

As I sit holding all these gifts I find it necessary to touch their meaning and then let go. As quickly as one gift is received, a new one rises up for me to discover. I am learning to lean back, wait and trust.

Perhaps this is the work of my soul fairy? I put my worries under my pillow and she brings me the gifts I need, the ability to see them and an open heart ready to receive the gifts of this day.

vlogging ... take 2 ... on dreams and finding my BA!

Look what your encouragement has done ...

recovering dreams from Lisa Hofmann on Vimeo.

Okay, so I find it hard to get the ball rolling on these vloggy things and when I finish I think of a dozen or more other points I wish I had made but well, there you have it.

Today I talk about voicing my dreams, taking action, making change and finding my BA which you will just have to suffer through the first 13 minutes or so to understand what I mean by that! I neglect to mention how I am following my own advice: practicing the ukulele and planning on taking lessons; joining a writing/story telling group (The Storyteller's Village) run by the cartwheeling angel known as Natasha; edging closer and closer to signing up for a online poetry class which begins in 4 days (the price is the only thing causing me to pause but I think I can say BA! to the money gremlins and place my trust in the abundance angels.)

Speaking of angels ... check out the latest podcast by goddess leonie on trusting your intuition ... "if it makes you glow, it is your truth." I believe, oh I believe! And a big BA to anyone who dares to say otherwise.

(update: for a truly inspiring vlog on choosing Joy, my sweet friend Angela has just posted a beautiful piece over on her new blog bloodsugarwitch. I am in awe of her gentle power, graceful wisdom and strength. She is one of my inspirations and a voice much needed in bloggyland. Do go over and say hi. Have a tissue handy!)

Monday Inspiration Celebration: 49 by 49 progress report

I am working on my ninth painting for my 49 by 49 series (49 postcard sized pieces by my 49th birthday in October.) The themes that have been coming up again and again for me revolve around transformation, patience, and process.







Oonagh is a Celtic goddess, although she also is considered a dragonfae queen. Her people were the original inhabitants of Ireland and when the Gaels invaded her clan transformed themselves into leprechauns and thus were able to continue living in their home peacefully and without having to compromise their lifestyle or values. The message of Oonagh is "There is no need to hurry or force things to happen. Everything is occurring in perfect timing." Oonagh is here to assist me with transitions.

I pull this card a lot. If there is one thing I know I need to work on, it is relaxing into flow. Even when I think I am going with the flow, I am still thrashing about, pushing and then resisting and always questioning whether I am on the right path or if I've wandered off course. Understanding that change is a constant process and that we are always in some kind of flux, Oonagh is helping me to enjoy where I am in my journey. Patience in allowing things to manifest in their proper time is another lesson I am trying to learn with Oonagh's assistance. Knowing each step is important, I focus upon what I can do today and let go of worries about my final destination.








Snake has been a powerful totem in my life. Snake is about transformation; it is also about opening to the energy of kundalini which one friend describes as the energy of one's personal/spiritual evolution. Throughout my life, snake has visited me in dreams and of course on hikes. I actually paused to snap a photo of a black snake I found curled upon next to a hiking path in Devonshire, England (three people had walked right by it, I was the only one to notice it) and found out later in the pub it was the only poisonous snake in England, the black adder. And I had leaned in to take its picture!

In my life right now, Snake is all about shedding what no longer serves me; letting go of beliefs and ideas that no longer fit who I am or who I aspire to be. Snake is a reminder that transformation isn't always comfortable; it is often through discomfort that I realize it is time for conscious change.

In choosing the subject matter for these pieces, I am trying not to plan things out. I am allowing my guardians and guides to present themselves to me, so that this painting cycle becomes a kind of mindfulness practice. Each week I find myself reflecting upon where I am and the forces that have guided me thus far. As I am currently in a reading group for Women Who Run with the Wolves (my third attempt to read the book; I haven't made it all the way through yet) an obvious choice was La Loba or Wolf/Wild Woman.







"By whatever name, the force personified by La Loba records the personal past and the ancient past for she has survived generation after generation, and is old beyond time. She is an archivist of feminine intention. She preserves female tradition. Her whiskers sense the future; she has the far-seeing milky eye of the old crone; she lives backward and forward in time simultaneously, correcting for one side by dancing with the other." "This old woman stands between the worlds of rationality and mythos. She is the knucklebone on which these two worlds turn. This land between worlds is that inexplicable place we all recognize once we experience it, but its nuances slip away and shape-change if one tries to pin them down, except when we use poetry, music, dance or story." (-Clarissa Pinkola Estes)

I am aware of the cycles in my life where La Loba has called to me, guided me to venture within and awaken parts of me numbed, stunned or dormant. She seemingly retreats into the wild while I learn to use these new parts of myself. I slip back into a domesticated life until her call rouses me to action once again. I have dabbled with her magic, tried on the fur and occasionally bared my teeth but a part of me has held back. Or maybe she has always been guiding me, it just has taken this long for all the pieces to come together. I am now recognizing her cry in all that I do. I am trusting my instincts to guide me in every step I take. She has brought me far and I am not about to abandon her now.







Brigit is another Celtic goddess I've long been fascinated by. It is her fiery energy, the force of her will and determination which resonates with me (in Ayurvedic terms, I am predominately Pitta or Fire and Vata, wind and air.) She represents the three ages of women: maiden, mother and crone/wise woman and as such she is available to guide us through our transformations, connecting us to the powers and lessons available in each phase. She reminds me to identify my passion and to use that light to inspire and guide me.

Each painting has taken me further and further into a journey of self discovery. I find the process of selecting my next subject, deciding how I want to depict it and then actual act of creation has enriched my understanding of these forces. As I paint and then write about these pieces, I am finding the lessons are being integrated more firmly into my life. I can only hope the fire of Brigit will carry me through the next 40 paintings!

49 by 49: beginnings

So one painting of 49 under my belt and already I am wondering what have I gotten myself into? Right away, I'm discovering the small scale format is challenging ... I had hoped for a looser, more intuitive approach towards these paintings but the size feels restrictive. Of course, I could go larger ... but being the stubborn Scorpio that I am, I am electing to see this as an opportunity to challenge myself and see what creative solutions I can come up within the limitations of the size.

i used a resist technique - vaseline over the rabbits, and then i painted the green over the entire card. once the paint was dry, i wiped away the vaseline which preserved the rabbits underneath. Rabbits were a stencil i made; flowers are painted acrylic stamps - a new favorite as they are cheap and easy!

So the theme of these pieces is a reflection upon the guides and guardians operating within my life. For the second piece, I had to honor the spirit of Rabbit that has been so persistently speaking to me in recent weeks. In addition to finding tufts of rabbit fur (which means, Hawk, my main spirit totem, has been staying nourished), I was walking to my office on campus when right by the footpath was a huge hunk of a rabbit pelt. Not a tuft - a chunk! Okay, okay I get the message!

Rabbit has been helping me to understand creative inspiration is something that will never run out; I do not need to fear scarcity or lack. My creativity has natural cycles and there will be times when I am overwhelmed by ideas and momentarily frozen with indecision - what do I act upon? But with Hawk as its partner, Rabbit has shown me I to focus upon one idea does not diminish the population. New ideas will be born again ... and again.

The third painting honors the Hindu goddess Saraswati. There are many reasons she is a significant force within my life: as the goddess of the arts, learning and knowledge she is an obvious choice for me. She prizes creative action such as painting, music, dance and writing above material possessions. She also represents right knowledge or the understanding of spiritual truths as the highest form of learning.

i used a transfer technique - hence Saraswati is backwards! a very simple process i learned from The Bodhi Chicklet here. i then painted over the transfer and filled in the areas left blank.

Saraswati is also important to me because she is part of the spiritual name that was given to me. As a sign of my commitment to the path of Yoga, I requested a Sanskrit name from my spiritual mentor. She consulted with another dear friend and guru sister (we all are part of the lineage of Swami Kripalu) and they gave me the name Sri Vidyarani Ma. Vidyarani means "queen of knowledge" but again, knowledge here means "right" understanding or spiritual truths. Ma is mother ... I was not a mother yet, but they both believed I would be always be a mother to my students (and they both believed one day I would be come a mother to my own child - they knew before I did!)

My practice of yoga has provided me with a strong foundation for a nurturing and developing a creative practice. And now the two paths have merged to become one. As I work with fearless painting and cultivating connection with intuition, I am finding it is no different than meditating or asana practice where I peel away the layers of what I am not - fears, doubts, conditioned thinking or beliefs - to experience the truth of who I am. Both practices involve a letting go of a false sense of me being in charge and embracing surrender to something greater. Surrendering to life, really, and acknowledging my connection and participation within the flow of Life versus separation.

I chose a more recent force in my life for the fourth card. I have been working with the Oracle of the Dragonfae cards by Lucy Cavendish and a card that manifests frequently for myself and Cowgirl is The Blue Lady.

back to basics; plain 'ole painting on gessoed card

The message at the bottom of the oracle card is "Nothing is impossible." It is this advice that speaks to me:

There is no safety in diminishing who you truly are. Be yourself. Follow the dream and listen to your own clear, calm inner voice. Be guided to do the impossible ... now. (Oracle of the Dragonfae)

To me, this figure represents staying true to oneself and ones vision. Believing in myself and knowing the only dreams worth living are the ones that spring from my own heart. It is better to be myself imperfectly, than to excel at a version of myself that has been sanitized, commercialized, or in any way edited for mass consumption. The Blue Lady represents what I have been working towards - quieting the outside voices and tuning into the wisdom found within my own heart.

She could do what others could not, because she trusted that still small voice and allowed the impossible a loving space in which to take hold, grow strong roots and burst into flower. (Oracle of the Dragonfae)

I hope this project does not become my impossible blue rose that I try to grow; I have a small list of ideas for future pieces but I am purposely not planning it all out and hoping to allow my guides to present themselves to me over the course of the coming months. Four paintings down, 45 to go!

Mission: Love & Joy

Did you receive the memo? It is a week-long celebration of love and goodness over at Dirty Footprints Studio and the party is in full swing. There are nineteen scrumptious party prizes up for grabs, so check it out and be sure to enter because cupid could just pick you to win!







And if that isn't enough get you doing a happy dance, then check out the very first podcast by the always effervescent goddess Leonie at Goddess Guidebook for some midweek inspiration. I guarantee she not only can turn any frown upside down, she will have you twirling and giggling and resolving it is time for some inspired play.

The day was sunny and warm and I was still floating along from Leonie's meditation when I went to pick Cowgirl up from school. "What are we going to do today?" she asked. "We are going to be Joy Warriors" I declared, surprising both of us.




"What is a Joy Warrior?" you may ask. Well, a Joy Warrior is one who stands up against the Blahs and the Blue Meanies, pushing back the Doldrums and declaring Mediocrity has no place in her world. A Joy Warrior laughs, plays and loves with her whole heart. A Joy Warrior lifts her face to the sky and declares every day is a day to be filled with celebration.

A Joy Warrior's main weapon is her indomitable spirit and a full bottle of bubble soap. So even though the day quickly turned gray and cold by the time we got home, we two warriors were not deterred.







A half hour and a wand full of bubbles later, we rested knowing Joy once again ruled supreme in our little bit of the world.










We are currently recruiting new warriors to fight the good fight in all corners of the world. We won't stop until the skies are filled with bubbles, our faces fatigued from smiling and the music of giggles reaches the heavens. We are on Mission: Joy. So go gather your wands, your glitter, your tap shoes and tutus and help us bubble this planet into a new orbit.







The time is now. The need has never been greater. And the bubbles seem to be expanding ... or is that just the result of a buoyant perspective?

How will you help the cause?

Weekly Reflection (week 35): Cleanse

I have been cherry picking an amazing book I found in the stacks of my local library. I just love it when I find something from my Amazon wish list available in the library! The book is Creative Awakenings by Sheri Gaynor and there is a ton of inspiration to be found inside. She has a process called the EnVision Art of Intention which is a ritualized time to stop, relax, and open oneself up and deeply listen to one's intuition. There are a series of question or prompts you can gently drop into your consciousness when you are relaxed and receptive or you can allow questions and responses to arise. Modifying one of her prompts, I toss into my relaxed mind the question: How can I nourish my creative spirit this month?

There are detailed instructions in Gaynor's book for the entire process and I adapted her steps a bit. After daydreaming with my question floating in the background of my mind, I got up and began to tear images and words out of magazines. Then I glued them into my journal and began to fill in the space with crayon, paint and pen. I really enjoy the process of just letting myself doodle and paint my way towards a formulating an intention for myself.








My intention for September is deceptively simple: empty, cleanse, and open up. I think the emphasis is on the emptying process; I feel I have filled myself with so much in the past months, there is little room for more to be crammed in. The sense of a fresh start appeals to me right now; accepting things as they come for themselves and not feeling a need to pastiche it all together. A strong image during my meditation was a clear wide night sky filled with stars - letting the light in and being filled by it. I also saw a lot of water washing my life clean.

In the journal page I ended up with seemingly contradictory images: a tree forming deep roots and then the rolling energy of a wave. But I know from my yoga practice that we can and often need to hold within ourselves what seem to be contradictory states: expansion and groundedness, opening and drawing in, stillness within movement. Duality has been a theme in my art and in my life lately and I am coming to understand myself as a union of opposites which complete each other rather than compete with each other. I can root down, be grounded and ride that wave. I can settle in and explore. I can find richness within simplicity. As I write this, it all seems pretty elemental but I am experiencing this understanding in a more visceral way.

As I make my final preparation for Squam (I leave on Wednesday) I am aware of preparing myself mentally and emotionally. I want to shed any expectations and open myself up to receiving what will be offered to me. I drew a goddess card to see what energy I need to invoke and as if to confirm my intention for myself, I drew the card Sulis:






"Spend time near water, such as a lake, river, or the ocean, to recharge your batteries." Water represents both a purifying element and the emotions, so in addition to the notion of emptying or clearing myself mentally, I can use this time to help me smooth out any disturbances in my emotional flow. I wrote this and then watched as Cowgirl went through the equivalent of an emotional deluge.

As powerful as her emotional states can be, I know that the end of every storm is a clear sky. Her energy spent, something shifts. A new level of trust and understanding between us but hopefully within herself. Fearful of her intense emotional states, she expresses a desire to flee. I try to help her understand she can move through her feelings and not fear being stuck or overwhelmed. We talked about watching a thunderstorm and how scary it is when it is in full swing, but how it always moves on and we are safe. I am reminded again of duality: holding fear and trust at the same time.

I hope she can learn she may be afraid at times but she can trust she is safe and protected. I realize as I watch her, I too must learn this lesson: giving my emotions their space to flow while knowing that in the end I will not be swept away. Hopefully, I will still be safe and dry inside while the storm rolls by. As I prepare for my adventure, I realize fear and excitement fill me and I am okay with that. I plan on sitting by the lake and allowing its energy to cleanse, soothe and renew me. I can only hope Cowgirl's tears and my embrace did the same for her.

It seems the theme for our entire family these days is an overpowering need to cleanse, rest and retreat:





I'm wet, so off to join Moose for some rest!

Weekly Reflection (week 12): Past and Present

What would the me of one year ago think about the me of today?

I am fascinated by memory - what pieces and scraps the mind chooses to hold onto and what is tossed away. Recently, my mother and I were recalling a trip we took after I had received my master's degree. Actually, I could not immediately remember why she joined me in Ann Arbor for a drive across the Midwest to Colorado. She knew it was after my uncle had died, which was 23 years ago. We were going to visit my aunt and I stayed on for a month to keep her company. What I vividly recall from that road trip is a picnic lunch in Iowa and how taken I was by the lush, green, rolling hills of that state. We were going to stop over at my fiancé's (now the Husband's) mother's house for a visit and as we made better time than expected, we lingered at a truck stop for coffee and a piece of extra syrupy pie. That truck stop is 5 minutes from where I live now and every day when I pass it on my commute to work, I marvel at the fact that back then, I never would have believed my life would be what it is right now, never mind that I would be calling this corner of the world my home!

Just last week Cowgirl informed me she wanted us to go "back to the place with the snow and where they gave me Scooby snacks." For the life of me, I could not fathom what she was talking about. Snow and biscuits? I thought it was some preschooler's dream version of a play park. Then she said we drove in the snow and I realized she was talking about a trip we took over her Spring break last year. We were wanting to adopt a springer spaniel through a rescue group and we had to drive 4 hours to the home of the family that fosters the majority of springers here in Nebraska. My vision of a road trip, complete with a picnic lunch I had packed, was snowed over in one of the worst driving scenarios I never hope to repeat in my life. We were in the middle of the state on deserted snow covered roads totally unprepared for the inclement weather. The dog we went to see turned out to be too overly enthusiastic for our family (I was reminded of my encounter with a Greek in Athens when I was much much younger, showing more skin and single) but there was one new foster dog, Moose who seemed like a possibility. I was too addled to contemplate much and that drive home in a storm that had truckers pulled over is very fresh in my memory and my nervous system. But the journey led to Moose becoming part of our family and our one year anniversary is quickly approaching.

All that to say, I've been thinking recently about where I was one year ago and how shocked the me of then would be to see the me of today. Shocked and pleasantly surprised. Certainly disbelieving of the turns my life has taken and most likely the 2009 me would have been a tad skeptical that so much change and growth could have occurred. For the me of today is a more integrated, balanced, and full color version of the me previously known. For much of my adult life, I have felt like a fractured being; that there were all these different facets of me but that all the parts did not come together into a whole. There was work me with work friends; the academic/intellectual me with acquaintances from that realm; yoga me and my yoga circle; and then there was my family. I felt the strain of the separation but could not seem to manage pulling all the strands together and I always felt like I was repressing one part of my persona to fit into another.

I cannot even recall how I first stumbled upon all the creative blogs that seem to fill my days now. What I have is the first images from my flickr photo pool. First, there was Mermaid Warrior Camp, joined in the whim of the moment:




We started making art together and a door was opened. One month later, I began to Unravel, the journey of a thousand miles beginning under these feet:





I was just learning how to use our point and shoot digital camera and knew nothing about Photoshop or even how to crop or adjust an image. I could rotate and that was about it! What I discovered that Spring was a way of being engaged with my life, looking intently at all the details and celebrating the moments of play, creativity and insight that seemed to be frothing up all around me. I also delved into my past and began to heal from wounds buried underneath layers of scar tissue.





If I had to sum up the past year I would have to say I discovered myself and I found my muse.
Taking on the self portrait a day challenge has forced me to step into the space of being a Subject and it has given me the energy and the courage to recognize I am the protagonist in my life. I returned to my first love, the camera and I have discovered some new passions in art journaling and writing along the way. Every course I took - yes, I have taken many! - has helped me to have stretched myself in ways I would not have believed myself capable of. But I also found each piece completed this larger picture of myself. All of a sudden, I realized the statement "my life is my practice" is my reality. My yoga practice, my writing practice, my art making, my relationship with my daughter and my husband and my mother, all feed and inform and support each other. I can no longer distinguish where one begins and another ends.

Yes, this has been a rich and wild year! I have Unraveled, swum and made art with Mermaids,


danced as a Creative and a Radiant Goddess,


written myself Art Journal Love Letters and blossomed into the teacher, student and woman I was not capable of envisioning a year ago. Reflecting upon where I have been reminds me my future is wider and more amazing than anything I could have actively searched for. That's not to say I do not dream big, but I know to leave the details up to the Universe.

(i doubt anyone realizes this, but i try to do a journal page for each reflection. today's page is a work in progress ... still searching for just the right text to add and waiting for the paint to dry! but in honesty to my project, i wanted to include it.)

I mean, how could I have ever envisioned this crazy tribe?




The past year is still vibrantly alive in my memory ... and even when memory fades, I'll have lots of images to remind me of all the adventures I have had.

What new you is being birthed this Spring?

New perspective

You are all my Blue Lady ...


[T]here is always a way to be truly free. And that is by expressing the essence of you, and being true to your own heart and talents and powers. Stay strong, stay true, and do not waver. Call on the Blue Lady, and she will gently guide you ... finding others who can mentor you through the "impossibles" will also be of great assistance ... take time to clarify your own conditioning, and make a renewed commitment to come from your talent and your gifts and your truth each and every day. Small, powerful moments of courage create a life fully lived. (from Lucy Cavendish, Oracle of the Dragonfae)

A ritual I have been able to maintain for awhile now is to get up early before I have to walk the dog and make my way down the hall to my yoga room. I light a candle on my altar, wrap myself in my iris blue meditation shawl, and sit down on my buckwheat zafu, scrunching and adjusting it until it feels "just right." I begin my day with a centering practice: a little reiki meditation, just breathing and checking in with myself. On the days I do not take time for this practice, I tend to feel rough around the edges, more likely to react negatively and impulsively and less organized in my thinking. Even though I know these benefits, it is still a struggle to resist the lure of my pillow, the temptation of the snooze button.

After my meditation, I take some time to draw a couple of oracle cards, reading in the booklets that come with each respective deck, and then allowing a few minutes for the messages to sink in. Often on my predawn walk with Moose, I ponder the teachings offered in each card. Some are pretty dead on - "um, yeah, I know ...still working on it!" while others are just plain perplexing. Messages about time, strength, new beginnings have been the main themes these past months. And today I drew the other card that has frequently appeared in my life lately: Abundance.

Of course, the cards all speak of abundance not being limited to material wealth, but prosperity in terms of friendships, time, ideas, and opportunities. Today when I sat down for a little catch up time online, I was reminded of this new wealth in my life. What has materialized in my life in ways I never would have imagined is an abundance of support and encouragement for this life of creative exploration.

In spiritual practice and in creative work, there is a natural element of isolation and loneliness. These paths force me to return again and again to my center, digging deeper through layers of accumulated ideas and beliefs, shifting through and weighing the truthfulness of each attitude and deciding what to cultivate and what to cut loose. I can read books, go to lectures, ask questions, compare my experience to another's but ultimately I have my experience and you will have yours. They may have similarities but they will certainly have differences. It is those differences that I tend to obsess over and which open up space for doubt.

But what I have discovered since blogging is a generosity on the part of other writers, readers and creators to affirm my path. It's funny, my word for the year is Fearless but Connection seems to be the theme I've been experiencing. Yet for me to reach out to others, to present my ideas and my work - okay, my Self! - is an act of immense fearlessness. I excitedly post an image or a poem and then I always, ALWAYS cringe on the inside and worrying I am being self indulgent, childishly naive and full of myself to assume anyone would care.

And ultimately, even if no one else did care, I still would. I think what everyone is so excited by and eager to support in this rather large/little blogville we socialize in, is the expression of individuals embracing their lives and interpreting their worlds. It is not so much the What that is being created (although it all is magnificent) but the fact that we feel emboldened to create in the first place. This is what I find so exhilarating and intoxicating. Witnessing someone trying spin magic and meaning out of their day, that is worth cheering and supporting. To be led to a point where I believe I can also jump on this crazy creativity bicycle and actually ride it - that is a huge gift and an even larger shift in perspective.

Thank you all for showing me nothing is impossible when I follow my heart. And most of all, thank you Cowgirl who is my original Blue Lady (this was the first card you drew, and how appropriate for you a lover of blue!) The lessons of this card remind me to take care when listening to your dreams and to be mindful when fear may prompt me to try and protect or re-direct you. My role is to support you in dreaming big and to provide the tools to help you discover your strengths and talents and the courage to move towards those dreams.

not a grumpy shot; just showing us her Dog snarl :)

Acknowledging abundance (Aparigraha), we recognize the blessing in everything and gain insights into the purpose for our worldly existence. Yoga Sutra 2:39 (translation by Nischala Joy Devi)

Our worldly purpose? I would say, to shine forth our brilliance and our love. But that's just my perspective.

Weekly Reflection (Week 10): Finding Home

What is homing? It is the instinct to return, to go to the place we remember.... The exact answer to "Where is home?" is more complex ... but in some way it is an internal place, a place somewhere in time rather than space, where a woman feels of one piece.... Home is a sustained mood or sense that allows us to experience feelings, not necessarily sustained in the mundane world: wonder, vision, peace, freedom from worry, freedom from demands, freedom for constant clacking. All these treasures from home are meant to be cached in the psyche for later use in the topside world." - Clarissa Pinkola Estés, "Women Who Run With The Wolves."

How do I create Home for myself?

After 88 days of snow on the ground, the thawing out began last week. While I am anxious for the green buds and blue skies of Spring, the reality is a period of mud, grey skies and grit and grime has to be gotten through. Emotionally, I feel excitement swelling up followed by a sinking backwards into inertia. Yes, I am feeling stuck in the mud of my life.

I can't even say I am feeling stuck so much as continually dragged back by - what? By the necessities of life. Things just keep cropping up. Cowgirl has begun her usual March cough which either is allergies or a cold (whatever I think it is, it will be the other) and now my mother is having some issues that need to be discussed with her doctor. And I am anticipating - because I do that so well! - rounds of doctors visits in the coming weeks which result in a suspension of the seemingly stolen moments of me-time.

That I consider tending to my needs as stealing is curious. Who am I stealing from? My family and work of course. And aren't they really taking from me? In the rational part of my brain, I know that to be able to care for others I must first take care of myself. Not the prevailing attitude of our culture nor of many of my friends who I see drained by the demands of their lives.

What has me gulping for air as if I am being dragged under is a rising fear of losing momentum, of losing myself after a long, long absence from my life. I think this is a healthy reflex as long as I pause to recognize what is really going on here. In the past, I had been swept away by the demands of my life, letting drop by the wayside those things deemed nonessential.

But that was in the past and I know better now. I know that even the briefest return to my center is more than enough to sustain me. I may crave more time to create, read, be outdoors but I can get by on smaller doses until opportunity allows me the chance for a complete restocking. I also know nothing will be lost; that the side journeys are opportunities for me to gather from my life the materials to be used when I able to return home.

How do I find Home for myself? In those minutes, no matter how brief, when I pause and let myself feel what is going on inside of me. The pause is essential. I tend to rush through my life, late it seems for everything. But when I can stop running, I can see I am exactly where I need to be. This requires me to acknowledge I am not some kind of race with a prize waiting if I finish. No, life is happening in the Now that sometimes just feels like an obstacle course.





Each moment I catch myself forgetting, I am given an opportunity to reaffirm my commitment to standing fully in this moment. When I come into the Now, I come home to myself. I then am present enough to embrace the gifts of pure magic that always sparkle around me. I allow myself to sink into moments of pure being, whether that be through yoga, painting, writing or taking a walk with the dog. All that has come into me, is given this space to flow back out onto the page, the mat, or my mind as new perspectives emerge. I celebrate my life in those moments. They are my dance, The Dance, of being alive. And the process of emptying is strangely an experience of being filled. Emptying and filling, cleansing and releasing, like the breath and the tides that come in and out.

It is no coincidence that lately I have been fascinated by the stories of creatures who live their lives straddling two realms. The story of the Selkies, sea women who shed their skins in order to come ashore and dance, is about the necessity of returning home. Unlike the traditional stories, I have rediscovered my "skin" and am in control of it, putting it on and taking it off when need be. I know I will not lose my seal skin, my ability to dive back into the seas of restoration and nurturance. And I know I can dive within in any given moment, if only to touch briefly my essence as a reminder: I am still here.

For those creative souls over at 52 Projects, I have not abandoned you! Each day I am aware of acting upon that which was merely an idea or an inkling a moment before. Things I might normally have put off "to do later" - baking cookies, starting a new knitting project (that may end up taking me 52 weeks to complete), another journal page - I have jumped right in and done! The final product is not important, but this shift from thinking to doing is. Have I begun any new projects? I believe in each moment I am choosing to begin anew. Does that count?

With each wave that knocks me over, I stand up again and look out to the sea, deciding when I need to dive back in, and when I will stay ashore. Home is safe within me and the only one who controls the key is me. Have you heard the call? Are you prepared to answer?