lingering (Squam memories)

prayer bundles made by our cabin

While I've returned home and hit the ground running (Cowgirl's birthday is on Sunday and tomorrow is the party with all of her friends + my mom gets out of rehab next week) in my mind I'm still in the woods.

Care to linger with me?

Suzy, here is the proof of your early morning swim - before the rain!

Missing these people:

Suzy and Karen

Brandi & Daniel

Pixie

Jen Lee

Sarah and Ada

bonus! got to meet Em at the art fair

Definitely the world between worlds ... I mean, the mushrooms were crazy beautiful! We were surrounded by fairy folk!













Lots of space and time to sink deep within:













And to answer Kerry's question: yes, I did swim in the lake - twice! It was cold but refreshing. Frog medicine for sure. I did not go in the dark so I was wearing my granny bathing suit. Perhaps next year we can take another moonlight dip? (Missed you my friend!)







Clues and hints were scattered throughout the woods that weekend:








And I still have to unpack my paintings and supplies ... but I am resting in the lingering moments for the time being.

the experience that is Squam

Traveling home from Squam yesterday I was thinking about another return trip. When Cowgirl was not quite 3 years old, we took our first family trip to Cape Cod. Flying out, one of us went through the airport security screening and then waited on the other side while she walked through by herself. On the return trip home, it was just Cowgirl and myself as the Husband dropped us off at Logan airport to continue onto a workshop.

Arriving at security, I wondered how I would get my young child to go through on her own. I decided to make her go first and told her to "Go ahead of mommy." She gave me this uncertain look as if to say "You want me to leave you?!" On the other side of the screening station there stood an older, somewhat grumpy looking and stern female TSA agent. Pointing to her and in my most cheerful voice I told Cowgirl "Go to the nice lady!" Cowgirl looked at me, hesitated just a moment, then turned and ran full throttle through the gate. She headed straight for the agent, flung her arms around her legs and hugged her as if she were a beloved auntie. The woman's reserve visibly melted and she announced "You have no idea how much I needed that!"

The experience of Squam is like that for me: one continuous series of unexpected hugs and the surprise of realizing each time "I really needed that."

an excited meeting of my bunny sister, Brandi Marie

Squam is one big hug-fest. But the sense of being welcomed, held, and received extends beyond the act of a physical hug. The experiences and the encounters with old and new friends, teachers and classes is a repeated series of homecomings. Weary from the tasks of parenting, family, and work, the 4 days of Squam represented a space and place of returning to myself and discovering the pool of inspiration and joy to be very deep. When life gets demanding, that pool can feel frozen or lost. But in the embrace of Squam I found myself thawing out. What is unimportant is more easily shed and what is left behind is what truly matters: love, enthusiasm and a sense of connection radiating around and within me.

another sublime hugger: Pixie Campbell

I return home refreshed and fortified; I return home ready to fully receive the hugs of those whose love lies deepest in my heart. Squam is about caring for myself so that I can be a better mother, wife, daughter and friend. I return home fully committed to what I see is the most important task at hand: to create for myself and my family a beautiful and art-filled life.










I have more pictures, art work and stories to share but this is what floated to the surface of my heart.

Thank you Squam. Thank you Elizabeth for the very best hug of all on the final morning as I scurried to the airport shuttle. Your words and your mama bear hug reinforced the newly formed intention to be gentle with myself. Always.

Squamward bound ❋

I'm off early tomorrow morning ...









and I am ripe and ready for an adventure!









I will be back next week and promise to share the secrets I learn from the woods.

It truly has taken a village to make this trip a reality and I will carry all that love and support with me. Listen for the howls and the laughter ... and join in!

xo Lis

Monday Inspiration Celebration: blizzard of sorts

We actually did have a blizzard warning this past weekend. The actual snowfall was slight, but the steady, high winds pretty much shut everything down. It was actually a blessing given the abundance of started projects cluttering up the house - and my brain. For what I am noticing is the more I do and the busier I get, the greater the flow of new ideas that bubble up in my consciousness. Does anyone else have this happen? One idea leads to another which would be wonderful except the new idea appears while I am in the middle of another project! The challenge it seems, is to know when to seize hold of the inspiration and run with it even if that means disrupting other work; and when to hold tight, trusting my resources and enthusiasm will not wane and the project will happen in due time.






I think it's called "The Da Vinci Effect." (you know, Leonardo began a lot of projects and never really completed anything - at least to his satisfaction.)






So right now I am scrambling to complete many projects while jotting down the ideas that seem to be bubbling up like clouds in an unstable air mass. (DId I just insult myself?) I am finding creativity is equal parts inspiration, discipline, and stick-to-it-ness. I find myself lounging in the recliner about to watch an episode of "Lost" (yes, we never watched the series when it was on and now are up to season 4; "Spooks" a.k.a "MI5" is another favorite series of the moment) and realizing I can run upstairs to get my knitting. I lounge a minute longer and then recall how pleasurable it will be when I can see my progress after an hour and that gets me out of my chair and grabbing the needles and yarn. And so I finished Cowgirl's sweater which she loves:









Here she is eating her morning egg. She would eat a hard boiled egg every morning if I let her. She does not eat the yolks but she does cover them in copious amounts of black pepper. I have never known a child to love pepper the way she does! I will look over and see her food blackened by a layer of pepper and even though I always think she couldn't possibly eat that - she gobbles it up.

I managed to get a few cards out in the mail and the law of karma held true as I received this lovely card from Anne at Songbird Sisters:

art post card by Anne Johnson French -
i am so excited to be developing a Buddha-themed collection of art images!

And even more mail goodness came my way as I this arrived today from the U.K. from a Squam cabinmate Nicola:

art calendar by Nicola Taylor of The Drama Queen's Guide to
Changing the World

I am officially a calendar girl - and I got to keep my clothes on! (That's me in the middle the last morning at Squam taking in the sunrise - the morning after my skinny dip!) Nicola is a fantastic photographer and wickedly witty blogger and I am honored to receive a calendar full of her glorious images.

Speaking of images ... it has been challenging taking pictures these days. The constant cloud cover means less than inspiring light but I am nothing if not disciplined (thank you Yoga for years of mat practice) and I've tried my best to participate in december views:

december 8 - pajama day at school

december 9

december 12

This later image was inspired by a poem that seemingly popped into my head as I was driving home from yoga class (see what I mean about inspiration manifesting everywhere?)


You fold into my arms
nesting your warm, animal body
against mine

feeling the heat of you
all anxieties, worries and concerns
puddle away

leaving behind
the flame of Love:
the glow of being loved
and the radiance of holding, knowing and loving
you.


Is inspiration finding me? Or is it by regularly exercising my creative muscles, I am moving through the world with sharper senses and a wider perspective? Even this drawing by Cowgirl gets my juices flowing:




How do you tend to your creative muscles need for regular exercise? Now is the season to begin anew!

Weekly Reflection (week 36): Comfort

I am still decompressing from Squam ... I find myself wandering around both aimlessly and a tad frantic as odds and ends seemed to pile up in my absence. I am like an old dog scuffling around the house looking for a misplaced chew toy and then distracted from my task by a squirrel or passing truck. Add to my list of things to do: one birthday party tomorrow for Cowgirl who will be turning six. I joined her for lunch today at her school and I am concerned for my sanity tomorrow as we will be in a bounce center for 2 hours. Lunch only lasted a half hour and I was blinking and twitching before I left!

But today is a more leisurely day and as I pottered around the house, I was thinking about what comforts me. As much as I love travel and new adventures, I am happiest when I am back in my routine with lots of fresh ideas and inspiration. And I discovered something about my working habits while at Squam: I do best when I have a number of projects going on at one time. Today I pulled out my large journal and began painting a background; while waiting for it to dry I grabbed a smaller journal and started filling in random color there. With paint still on my palette, I started two art postcards. I then returned to my first piece, added an element and then cycled my way through the lot again.





One exercise Sarah Ahearn had us do at Squam was a timed prompt circle. Each person was given a card with a prompt on it, like "stencil a word on your piece" or "paint something in a color you dislike." You had only 2 minutes to do your prompt and then the cards were passed to the left and you received a new prompt. There were about 12 prompts and it got pretty frantic as people ran around the room grabbing paint, collage materials, sharpening pencils or paging through a book for an image. One woman next to me declared "I won't be drinking coffee at lunch" and while it was nerve-wracking, it was also liberating. There just was no time to agonize over details; I had to go with my gut and allow the ideas to just spill out. And when my board got hopeless messy, I had to adapt and readjust. While the piece I ended up with in no way matched what I had hoped to create (something soft and whimsical; totally wanting to paint like Sarah) I do love what I created. I feel like it captures the spirit of my creative life right now.






So returning home and settling back into my practices, I find I am trying to capture that more spontaneous, intuitive way of creating I tasted in Sarah's class. And I am realizing my natural tendency is to set up lots of work stations and move between them, all in an attempt to sidestep the intellectualizing part of my mind. And when I am working in this way, my attention is 100 percent focused and there is no room for worries, fears, doubts or judgments. It is creative meditation in motion!

I find comfort in this realization and comfort in returning to my practice refreshed, cleansed and enthused. One truth that settled upon me after a couple of days of healthy lake gazing was the fact that my life does not need to be an either/or situation. Living a creative life encompasses all aspects of living, including the prosaic and dare I say mundane. I think there is this notion of being completely free of the practical world and just living in this wonderland of creating 24/7. I don't think that exists nor do I think it would be healthy for me. I do know I've integrated creativity into my life and it will always be there. I no longer feel anxious about "losing it" or having it diminish in any way because I have to spend my day at work and then caring for my family. It will be there waiting for me when I am ready. What I did learn from Sarah were some "tricks" by which I keep in touch with the wellspring of ideas and inspiration and which I will turn to when I feel stale or uninspired. (And I am excited Sarah has a book coming out which is available for pre-order through Amazon - it is called Painted Pages and it looks incredible!)

I am recalling that my style statement, clarified over a year and a half ago, is "Cherished Creative." As I settle back into my homey life, I savor the details of my day that awe and inspire me. I turn to my artwork whether it be my camera, paint table, sewing machine or kitchen and celebrate those details. Cherishing and celebrating, that is what gives me great comfort. It puts me squarely in the middle of being me and being present for my life.





What brings you comfort? How do you create space and time for comfort in your life? Are seeking and comfort compatible states? Or is a level of discomfort necessary for growth? A cycle much like breathing - in, and out?

(An inside joke: inspired by a comment from a fellow Squammie who wrote she was in her apron and headlamp wandering around the house listening to Jonatha Brooke, here is my homage):

Lily, I'm coming for you!

The gifts of Squam

So, you know when you wake up from a really good dream? For the first couple of moments, you are not sure what you dreamed about, but you just know it was really really good. And if you can rest in the feelings for a bit, slowly the details of the dream come back to you. But often it can be like trying to capture a snow flake: the minute you try to grasp it, it melts away.

The memory of Squam is like that snowflake: in danger of dissolving but captivating my attention as it floats through my body/mind. And like waking from a delightful dream, I want to steep in the feelings in the hope that I can put down all the details to save for a future inspiration-challenged day.





Here are some thoughts I wrote down in my journal while journeying home:

My intention for Squam was to be cleansed; emptied so that I may be filled; and to go in deep and ride the wave.

I leave feeling connected to a new group of creative souls; I leave feeling like I found a mentor/source of inspiration in Sarah Ahearn; I feel excited to know new teachers I wish to experience and learn from in the future.

my piece from Sarah's class Mix It Up!

I leave more confident in myself as a creative being; trusting I will continue to nourish my creativity and it in turn will feed me.

I leave Squam feeling lighter, free from the doubts and concerns that previously nipped at my heels - why do this? why bother? who cares?

I care, I matter, I know I am a light in a constellation of stars illuminating the way back to our source, back to our original purpose which is to Shine. Pure energy released, feeding others, feeding myself.





I leave Squam certain of the knowledge who I am is a work in progress; is a creative adventure unfolding into new layers of light, inspiration, beauty and truth.

I leave Squam understanding my intention is to live life with arms wide open, taking it all in, paint splattered hands lifted to the sky and offering back myself whole and complete.

I can somewhat articulate the what of Squam, but have been thinking about the how. And the answer came to me in the wisdom of my soon-to-be six year old daughter. Apparently her school has been addressing the issue of bullies by using the image of a bucket: there are people who fill your bucket by being nice, helpful, caring or supportive (known as "fillers"); and then there are those that try to take from your bucket by being hurtful or mean (she calls them "dippers".) So I started my day today thinking "I will only acknowledge the fillers and not allow dippers to rob me of my positive energy."

And then I understood the magic of Squam: it is a place inhabited by fillers and devoid of dippers. For four magical days I was surrounded by people who understand what I care about; understand the gremlins that threaten the creative spirit; and stand ready to support, encourage and inspire me knowing that to do so not only fills my bucket, but in turn fills their own.

group shot by Thea Coughlin

So the dream of Squam is a world of nurturing, caring spirits that stand ready and eager to fill my creative bucket. There was no space for dippers at Squam. Indeed, as my daughter is learning in martial arts class, when threatened by bullies - which in my case are those nasty gremlins of doubt, judgment, and comparison - the only response is to step back, plant my feet firmly upon solid ground, hold out my hand and confidently shout "Leave me alone!"

some of my lovelies from Eldorado Cabin

And now I know the other gift of Squam is a tribe ready to shout out with me. I know my Squammie friends have my back. And I have theirs.





Did I mention I was cleansed by the lake? In the moonlight? In my birthday suit? Checking off one more thing from my list of 100 goals for the year.

Thank you Squam for these gifts and the many more I have yet to uncover. And yes, I have lots of lake, feet, and horse shots I will continue to share!

Stephanie & her snazzy socks ♥ i think i took pix of all her footwear!

My advice? Get thee to Squam somehow. You will not regret it. Just bring a heating pad.

Weekly Reflection (week 35): Cleanse

I have been cherry picking an amazing book I found in the stacks of my local library. I just love it when I find something from my Amazon wish list available in the library! The book is Creative Awakenings by Sheri Gaynor and there is a ton of inspiration to be found inside. She has a process called the EnVision Art of Intention which is a ritualized time to stop, relax, and open oneself up and deeply listen to one's intuition. There are a series of question or prompts you can gently drop into your consciousness when you are relaxed and receptive or you can allow questions and responses to arise. Modifying one of her prompts, I toss into my relaxed mind the question: How can I nourish my creative spirit this month?

There are detailed instructions in Gaynor's book for the entire process and I adapted her steps a bit. After daydreaming with my question floating in the background of my mind, I got up and began to tear images and words out of magazines. Then I glued them into my journal and began to fill in the space with crayon, paint and pen. I really enjoy the process of just letting myself doodle and paint my way towards a formulating an intention for myself.








My intention for September is deceptively simple: empty, cleanse, and open up. I think the emphasis is on the emptying process; I feel I have filled myself with so much in the past months, there is little room for more to be crammed in. The sense of a fresh start appeals to me right now; accepting things as they come for themselves and not feeling a need to pastiche it all together. A strong image during my meditation was a clear wide night sky filled with stars - letting the light in and being filled by it. I also saw a lot of water washing my life clean.

In the journal page I ended up with seemingly contradictory images: a tree forming deep roots and then the rolling energy of a wave. But I know from my yoga practice that we can and often need to hold within ourselves what seem to be contradictory states: expansion and groundedness, opening and drawing in, stillness within movement. Duality has been a theme in my art and in my life lately and I am coming to understand myself as a union of opposites which complete each other rather than compete with each other. I can root down, be grounded and ride that wave. I can settle in and explore. I can find richness within simplicity. As I write this, it all seems pretty elemental but I am experiencing this understanding in a more visceral way.

As I make my final preparation for Squam (I leave on Wednesday) I am aware of preparing myself mentally and emotionally. I want to shed any expectations and open myself up to receiving what will be offered to me. I drew a goddess card to see what energy I need to invoke and as if to confirm my intention for myself, I drew the card Sulis:






"Spend time near water, such as a lake, river, or the ocean, to recharge your batteries." Water represents both a purifying element and the emotions, so in addition to the notion of emptying or clearing myself mentally, I can use this time to help me smooth out any disturbances in my emotional flow. I wrote this and then watched as Cowgirl went through the equivalent of an emotional deluge.

As powerful as her emotional states can be, I know that the end of every storm is a clear sky. Her energy spent, something shifts. A new level of trust and understanding between us but hopefully within herself. Fearful of her intense emotional states, she expresses a desire to flee. I try to help her understand she can move through her feelings and not fear being stuck or overwhelmed. We talked about watching a thunderstorm and how scary it is when it is in full swing, but how it always moves on and we are safe. I am reminded again of duality: holding fear and trust at the same time.

I hope she can learn she may be afraid at times but she can trust she is safe and protected. I realize as I watch her, I too must learn this lesson: giving my emotions their space to flow while knowing that in the end I will not be swept away. Hopefully, I will still be safe and dry inside while the storm rolls by. As I prepare for my adventure, I realize fear and excitement fill me and I am okay with that. I plan on sitting by the lake and allowing its energy to cleanse, soothe and renew me. I can only hope Cowgirl's tears and my embrace did the same for her.

It seems the theme for our entire family these days is an overpowering need to cleanse, rest and retreat:





I'm wet, so off to join Moose for some rest!