I have been a tad out of the loop these past two weeks ... or maybe it has been the last couple of months? I am finding it surreal to realize Christmas has come and gone (indeed, even the holiday decorations have been put away already) and I have little sense of it. Maybe things were a little too smooth? I did not find myself frantically shopping at the last minute and perhaps that level of holiday madness is what brings the season into high relief for me?
Or maybe it is just the usual end of year popping my head out of my hole and wondering a la the Talking Heads song: How did I get here?
Indeed, it has been a long, strange trip ... in a good sense. For this past year was my year of living with the intention of Fearlessness and Connection guiding me. Now is the place where I would recount all that evolved from that intention, but you already know, don't you? Instead, I am thinking about what I've learned about being fearless: that it is not about abolishing fears or doubts, but rather not letting fear freeze or disable me. When fear takes over, there is the natural tendency to make like a rabbit and be absolutely still. It is not a stillness where one is completely present; it is being frozen or stuck in a moment, in a emotion.
The antidote to this is to move, to take action. I've discovered I can experience fear but I can override the tendency to shut down. Some days it is just putting one sentence down in my journal. Or getting up from the chair and moving to my art table, sewing machine or yoga room. It is using action to distract my mind from its tendency to spin wild tales of humiliation and woe. And it is recognizing that to act and possibly fail is still far better than to do nothing and wonder "what if?"
I am reminded of a story told by Marisa Haedike's husband, Sean Hogan during their course April In Paris. Sean shared an experience he had as a kid when the coach for his sports team (was it baseball? Or basketball? I cannot remember) kept him on the bench, never letting him play in the game. His team lost and the other players were complaining about the game when Sean said "yeah, but at least you got to play!"
This year was my year to get myself off the bench and into the game. This year was the year of playing, of practicing, of doing, of taking action and reaching out to others to share that experience.
I wrote the following for a Wishstudio guest piece and it is my big A-Ha for the year (so forgive me the arrogance of quoting myself):
We all need to feel connected; to know who we are matters to another, and that what we do or say has value and meaning. I realize that all I do as a mother, as an artist, as a yogi and a teacher revolves around that essential need. In my life, I am coming to know this truth: that my story counts. By sharing my experience, I help to shine light upon your journey. And by encouraging others to share their truth, we come to understand our essential unity. That is, we come to know ourselves as lovable and loving. And in that space, we are unstoppable, anything is possible and we are fearless in our quest to better our world.
Cheetah babies
A perfect seque into repeating my word for 2011 is Shine. Years ago, my spiritual sister told me "you are totally unaware of the Light that you are." She has said this to me on more than one occasion. After a year of fearlessness, I am better aware of that light. I used to think it was easier for me to appreciate the light - the gifts - of others rather than my own; but I recognize now that if I cannot see my own light, I cannot fully see that of another. When I live with my heart wide open, loving, forgiving and accepting myself, the glow of Love shines forth from me. With that light, I am able to see the beauty and the light of others undistorted and unaffected by my needs or wounds.
I am excited for this New Year. I am ready to let myself Shine. And I am taking the lessons of the previous year - to continue to create, act, move everyday - and utilizing them to help me keep that light bright and glowing. One brushstroke, one photograph, one row of knitting serving to keep the fires alive and burning.
Lord Shiva, help us let go of the old; Lord Ganesha, help us move into the New.
Goodbye 2010 - you were a great year. Hello 2011. I am looking forward to spending time in you.
And for no apparent reason other than this is my mood - I feel the need to end the year with a little ukuele, George Harrison and a man in a gnome hat. Enjoy!
We actually did have a blizzard warning this past weekend. The actual snowfall was slight, but the steady, high winds pretty much shut everything down. It was actually a blessing given the abundance of started projects cluttering up the house - and my brain. For what I am noticing is the more I do and the busier I get, the greater the flow of new ideas that bubble up in my consciousness. Does anyone else have this happen? One idea leads to another which would be wonderful except the new idea appears while I am in the middle of another project! The challenge it seems, is to know when to seize hold of the inspiration and run with it even if that means disrupting other work; and when to hold tight, trusting my resources and enthusiasm will not wane and the project will happen in due time.
I think it's called "The Da Vinci Effect." (you know, Leonardo began a lot of projects and never really completed anything - at least to his satisfaction.)
So right now I am scrambling to complete many projects while jotting down the ideas that seem to be bubbling up like clouds in an unstable air mass. (DId I just insult myself?) I am finding creativity is equal parts inspiration, discipline, and stick-to-it-ness. I find myself lounging in the recliner about to watch an episode of "Lost" (yes, we never watched the series when it was on and now are up to season 4; "Spooks" a.k.a "MI5" is another favorite series of the moment) and realizing I can run upstairs to get my knitting. I lounge a minute longer and then recall how pleasurable it will be when I can see my progress after an hour and that gets me out of my chair and grabbing the needles and yarn. And so I finished Cowgirl's sweater which she loves:
Here she is eating her morning egg. She would eat a hard boiled egg every morning if I let her. She does not eat the yolks but she does cover them in copious amounts of black pepper. I have never known a child to love pepper the way she does! I will look over and see her food blackened by a layer of pepper and even though I always think she couldn't possibly eat that - she gobbles it up.
I managed to get a few cards out in the mail and the law of karma held true as I received this lovely card from Anne at Songbird Sisters:
art post card by Anne Johnson French - i am so excited to be developing a Buddha-themed collection of art images!
And even more mail goodness came my way as I this arrived today from the U.K. from a Squam cabinmate Nicola:
I am officially a calendar girl - and I got to keep my clothes on! (That's me in the middle the last morning at Squam taking in the sunrise - the morning after my skinny dip!) Nicola is a fantastic photographer and wickedly witty blogger and I am honored to receive a calendar full of her glorious images.
Speaking of images ... it has been challenging taking pictures these days. The constant cloud cover means less than inspiring light but I am nothing if not disciplined (thank you Yoga for years of mat practice) and I've tried my best to participate in december views:
december 8 - pajama day at school
december 9
december 12
This later image was inspired by a poem that seemingly popped into my head as I was driving home from yoga class (see what I mean about inspiration manifesting everywhere?)
You fold into my arms nesting your warm, animal body against mine
feeling the heat of you all anxieties, worries and concerns puddle away
leaving behind the flame of Love: the glow of being loved and the radiance of holding, knowing and loving you.
Is inspiration finding me? Or is it by regularly exercising my creative muscles, I am moving through the world with sharper senses and a wider perspective? Even this drawing by Cowgirl gets my juices flowing:
How do you tend to your creative muscles need for regular exercise? Now is the season to begin anew!
painting inspired by the question: how my life would look if i had no regrets
Ten years ago, I quit my full time, going nowhere but the insane asylum job and took a month off to study yoga and earn my teaching certificate. Needing to cobble together an income, I re-entered the academic world and became an adjunct instructor in art history (another thing I "trained for" and then abandoned; a post for another day). I taught two sections of the survey course for two separate institutions. One semester I was teaching survey one (ancient through medieval art) at one university, an hour away from home and survey two (Renaissance through Modern) at the university here in town. My schedule was Monday & Wednesday, survey one; Tuesdays and Thursdays was survey two.
One class was 90 students and the other was 50. Not having taught for ten years, my brain and nerves were pretty wired. I recall one day standing in front of an image of Monet's Haystack paintings and for the life of me, I could not think of the word "haystack." I believe I called them "muffin-like objects" because that was the only thing that came to mind. After a few weeks, I was hopelessly confused. Am I in ancient Rome today? Or am I supposed to be talking about the French Revolution? When in doubt, I would just talk about contrapposto until I figured out which class I was in.
All of this ramble is my long-winded way of saying I am in a bit of a muddle not knowing if I am coming or going. But a good sort of muddle. A creative chaos if you will that has me excited to get up in the mornings and exhausted when I go to bed at night. I am a one woman band banging a drum, blowing a trumpet, smashing cymbals between my knees and following a monkey. I don't know if I will get to everything I have on my list, but I will make a racket and hope for some music in my attempt to dance forward.
So Cowgirl was getting dressed for school and her dad asked if she had a sweater to put on as it has gotten extremely cold here. I informed him she had none as she had outgrown them all and she turned to me and sweetly requested that I knit her a new sweater. So guess who went out that day and bought yarn?
The pattern is called Quicko Cheapo so I think I am perfectly sane in undertaking this project. I still have the yoke to knit and then the button band. Of course, there is extra yarn and someone needs a new hat ...
I am on a postcard/art card making frenzy (a True Renaissance if you will; the postcard IS my Sistine Ceiling I believe ...)
And then there is this proof that what we put out, we receive in spades:
And equally inspiring, mail art from Mel's daughter Savannah for Cowgirl:
art work by Savannah
How adorable is this little critter with movable feet?
art work by Savannah
We were both smitten! Cowgirl's art for Savannah is ready to be mailed off once I find an envelope big enough (I have mentioned her passion for tape but not her favored format du jour, the scroll or portable mural. I also need to translate the stories behind the pieces. Be patient Savannah!)
I've started a journal for Cowgirl which will include art work and writing. This is one of those projects that has knocked about my brain for years now and it is time to just do it! (She has already made numerous requests for versions of my art to be included. Ah, the eternal struggle between an artist and her patron!)
in progress: the front page of the journal
Keeping me going are my daily card/pages for THIS Moment. We had another week with Moose dog at the vet's (poor guy - he had a 10 hour day when he went in for a barium swallow test and is being treated for gastritis. It has been a long and expensive week (yes, as I handed over my credit card to the vet's office I did think "there go my new black boots." Not that boots would love me as much ...)
i am loving the book Drawing Lab by Carla Sonheim for inspirational exercises. Thank you Bodhi Chicklet for the suggestion!
And because this is running on waayyyy too long, here are my December Views rounding out my week. Is it time to talk about groin vaulting and flying buttresses? Oops, sorry, we were discussing Chiaroscuro and Caravaggio ...
December 4
December 5
December 6
And honestly, I can say ... I regret none of this craziness. In fact, I am embracing it all!
(today's theme: waiting & hoping. Moose dog has been at the vet's for 8 1/2 hours now undergoing tests as he still is not keeping food down. Not only am I hoping he is okay, but I am hoping to find a Santa who will let me crawl up on his lap and give me a Visa cash card to pay for the bill. I've been a very good girl Santa!)
All words, photographs and art work on this site are (c) Lisa Hofmann unless otherwise noted. If you want to use any of my work, please make sure I am credited and drop me an email Lishofmann88(at)gmail(dot)com or leave a comment. Keep your karmic field clear! Each of us has an abundance of gifts and talents, so tap into yours ♥
Cheetah babies
