50 ❉

 

I'm not really sure what I've come here to say.  I find it fitting that I mark this milestone while Mother Nature makes her mark on the eastern half of our country.  I was born at the end of a historic event - the Cuban missile crisis  - which my mother has never mentioned when recounting my birth story. I need to ask her about this.  The 2004 Tsunami had a profound impact upon my commitment to become a mother and our decision to pursue adoption.  With so much uncertainty in the world, choosing life seemed to be the only course of action.  At that time, I had no idea my child was already born and waiting for me. 

I marked my 49th birthday with the conclusion of an intensive art project.  I have been wondering if that collection of guides and guardians was really gathered to prepare me for the coming year?  This birthday feels quieter.  Maybe because I've been so busy living life rather than contemplating it?  Much has happened in the past year but I am feeling like it is only the tip of the iceberg.  Yet it feels strange to consider the next 20 years - 50 to 70 - may be the most important years yet.

This is what is on my mind: at 50 I have outlived my maternal grandmother.  The stories I have inherited have come into fuller view and I am aware of standing on this edge between that past and a new future.  I am aware I have the choice to reframe those stories, reexamine and understand them within a larger context within which my individual life is just one, small part. Doing so, I see that while it obviously feels personal, it is not personal.  Wounding, scarring occurred but I wasn't so much targeted as I was caught up in a flow of beliefs, attitudes, unexamined reactions that impacted generations of us.  

But now I believe I am in a place where the light of understanding affords me - and all of us - the opportunity to recreate the values and systems I want to contribute to and live within.  I envision a world rooted in Kindness and I understand that it begins with myself and then ripples out to those around me.  

I see so many strands coming together - old and new myths, archetypal histories, karmic connections, new tribes actively seeking to contribute to positive and mindful change - all of which is healing wounds and strengthening new stories of hope and reverence and respect.  I see the woundings of my grandmothers and great grandmothers and ancestors before them and I know my daughter and I are in a position to break that cycle.  I'm not completely sure how.  I just feel it in my heart and in my soul.  I know we each carry an essential piece to this puzzle and it is our sacred duty to contribute our share.

 

I hope to be adding to this new story in the coming weeks, months and years. I know each voice, every new perspective, strengthens and supports me in sharing mine.  I feel the energy and inspiration of my daughter guiding me and I pray the bravery and fearlessness with which I embrace this future will nourish and support her in continuing down the path that seems to be rising up to greet us.  I believe it is strewn with roses and hope. I trust in it and in us.